Thursday, December 31, 2009

An Appropriate End to 2009

Today, DH found out and told me that his brother is pregnant (well, his wife is pregnant). They got married in March and his wife is 39. Given her age, they went right into fertility treatments. Apparently her egg count/quality was so low that IVF wasn't even going to be an option. And, apparently they only had like a 2% chance of success. But, they beat the odds and she's 8.5 weeks pregnant after IUI. This is another one of those bittersweet moments. The ratio is about 99% bitter and 1% sweet. I can't fucking deal.

I have so many friends and have heard so many stories about people beating the odds. When am I gonna beat the odds? I don't even know what my odds are. I am not that old (35), I have lots of eggs (my IVF cycles have resulted in 4+ high quality blastocytes), and I'm as healthy as a horse. I am so sick of this shit. Why didn't someone just tell me 4 years ago that I had 0% chance of success, so I wouldn't have wasted all this time and drained so much of my spirit? I hate being a failure. I hate that I've "worked" so hard and this and have nothing to show for it. I really, really hate what this has done to my friendships. I feel like nobody understands me. Lately, I've been thinking about how I need a fun girls weekend away, but all my friends are knocked up or busy with families. And, even if we went away together, I feel like we don't relate so well anymore. Ugh!!!!!!!

So, I guess this is an appropriate way to end 2009. Another dagger to the heart.

I'll be fine, this is just one (of many) of those moments.

Ok - now I'm going to drink a lot of alcohol.

Happy new year to all!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Post Xmas Post

I've been totally out of the blogging universe for the last week. I just got caught up on my blog reading and was happy to see some good news from a couple folks. At the same time, misery loves company - I embrace all of you that have had a rough holiday and are hoping that somehow, someway 2010 is going to be better. What's new with me...

1. AF arrived on Christmas (CD32). Yep. On Christmas. Why?!?!? I had unusual amount of hope and weird symptoms this month so am really bummed. Each night, I was waking up to pee every in the middle of the night. I was feeling nauseated often. My boobs kinda hurt although admittedly I think they hurt because I torture them! Anyway, it seemed possible.

2. Despite #1, I had a good holiday. Even with the hell of the 2ww and yet another disappointing result, I had fun over the holidays. I have a tiny family and there were no kids around so I think that helps. I felt so much love from my parents and DH. Excluding all this IF crap, my life is really wonderful.

3. Despite #2, I can't do this much longer. I can't handle more "failed attempts". I want to either (1) move onto donor eggs or adoption or (2) just decide that it may never happen and stop really "trying" to make it happen (of course, still hoping that it will happen). For me, this latter option means that I can exercise and drink to my hearts content. In any case, we still have our appt with a new RE on 1/19 and will try one more round of IVF if she thinks it's a good idea. For this next cycle, we'll just give it another go the old fashioned way.

Friday, December 18, 2009

I Feel Sick

I've felt sick since Monday. Over the weekend, I was still in sad and hopeless mode. I was convinced this cycle had no chance of success. Then, Monday, which was a whopping 4 days past ovulation (although I feel like the OPK was "wrong" this month), I started feeling this sick feeling that I had during my previous pregnancies. I also starting peeing a lot. I went on a google binge (wondering if the positive OPK could have meant a BFP, whether I could have ovulated super early this month, etc. et) and, by the end of the day, my mind was racing so fast I decided to do an HPT. This is VERY uncharacteristic of me. I basically never test because I can't handle the negative feedback. I just wait for AF to arrive and then curse her. And, here I was testing on day 21 of my cycle. Of course, it was negative. And, WTF was I thinking? I knew it wasn't really physically possible feel any pregnancy symptoms, much less get a positive result, but I still tried. I think I've got a case of the crazies.

Today is day 25 of my cycle (7DPO). I've continued to have the sick feeling all week. And, I've felt some twinging and and there has been a rise in pee trips. But, as real as it seems, I think I'm probably just causing myself to feel these things. Or, maybe I'm just sick....but it's a really unique feeling. I can't bring myself to test again, though. And, I'm not sure when I will. This uncertainty is a bitch!

Anyway, at least I've stopped crying daily. And, I'm off work until the 28th! We're headed to Oregon for Christmas with my parents.

Friday, December 11, 2009

December Blues

Life is kind of sucking right now. I am just sad. I saw my therapist yesterday and was basically fighting back tears the whole time. She basically told me, in many different ways, "it's ok to be sad". But I still don't want to be sad.

I did finally get a positive OPK result on day 17 (yesterday). I'm am not feeling good about this month given my mood and the fact that I ovulated a bit late. Of course we had sex to try and make things happen, but I was fighting back the tears during that too. So sexy....NOT!!!

The good news is that I know I will feel better at some point. I have to. And I will. I have rebounded before and I will do it again. I've been dealing with this for 3. 5 years and I have had many great times during that time. (Yes, I am giving myself a pep talk!)

But, for now, I feel reclusive and uninspired.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The 12 Days of IF

I love Christmas carols and I couldn't resist....

12 needles poking
11 follies struggling
10 sticks to pee on
9 ways of obsessing
8 boobs not milking
7 spermies swimming (is that all?!)
6 two weeks of waiting
4 ultrasounds
3 follistim pens
2 sterile gloves
and another negative HCG

Happy holidays everyone!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Oh Christmas Tree

We put up our Christmas tree over the weekend. I love it, love it, love it. Unfortunately, the process was a bit more stressful/humorous than usual. First of all, I put on most of the lights and realized I had the strand going in the wrong direction! I looked at the end of the strand and though "this is not going to plug into anything". Duh! So I had to redo some work. Then, after the tree was decorated, we decided to try and get a plastic tarp under the tree. Of course, we were supposed to do that at the beginning, but we forgot. soon as we tried to tilt the tree, the whole tree started falling over! I was freaking out about all my ornaments! Note that I was not worried about my husband who the tree was falling on, just my ornaments ;) Only one ended up breaking and, after many readjustments, we got the tree back upright. It still has a slight tilt, but I still love it.

My company Christmas party was Friday. Here's a picture of me and DH. I am generally very stealth about my blogging (i.e. no photos) but I decided to provide a little glimpse of us.

Anyhoo, I'm feeling good but vulnerable these days. I'm on day 14 of my cycle. I haven't gotten a positive OPK yet but for some reason I feel like I've ovulated. Maybe tomorrow. I made an appointment with a new RE for a second opinion on 1/19/10. I've started acupuncture again. My last appointment was uber relaxing. I'm taking a some herbs and trying to cut back on caffeine (even though I basically only drinking decaf anyway!). I got the ok on moderate quantities of alcohol and am happy about that one. So, I feel like I'm taking some good steps, but I also feeling a bit hopeless. I'm prone to crying episodes. Yesterday, I was driving over the Golden Gate bridge while listening to cheesy Christmas music, with tears streaming down my face.

On another note, I am so impressed by all you bloggers. Your posts and comments are so thoughtful, touching, inspiring and real. I'm very happy to "have you".

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Rambing Post

Aah.....the joy of being alone in my home. My in-laws left today after a week long visit. That is just too long for me. They are kind, but they are so different than me. And, my mother in-law talks A LOT more than me. The visit just raised my stress level. Here's how it goes: (1) I get annoyed with them. (2) I get a little rough around the edges. (3) I feel stressed and guilty for parts (1) and (2). It's vicious circle! Anyway, it's over and I'm loving the feeling of having the house back to ourselves. To make the holiday extra exciting, our refrigerator stopped properly functioning on Thanksgiving morning. Nothing like waking up to a raw turkey in your 50 degree fridge! At least is wasn't warmer than that. Anyhow, were able to keep things cool enough using ice, but it wasn't ideal. And, since I've already bitched about my in-laws and our fridge, I will continue....

I had a mini meltdown last weekend. We went out for drinks with four couples we know. It was fun, but it hurt. Three of the couples have infants and one of the couples is recently married. The new parents all swapped stories. I waited in anticipation to see if my recently married friend would be drinking. Phew...she was...but how pathetic is it that I was so focused on that action? And, I kept thinking about how we started TTC before any of the other couples with kids. In fact, we have been trying to conceive since before one of the couples was even engaged. It is so not fair. I felt bitter and sad. And, what do I have to report? Nothing. I'm so tired of responding to "what have you been up to?", with "not much. we had a good weekend...blah, blah, blah", when I really feel like saying "still TTC and it sucks balls!". Two of the four couples know about our struggles, but, of course, they don't ask about it. I appreciate that people want to be sensitive around me, but every once in awhile I would like a "how are you doing with things? It must be really hard...". Anyway, I left the bar feeling pretty vulnerable. Afterward, I was supposed to meet one of my best friends, who was in town for the weekend. I called her and she told me she was to tired to come out. She also has a new baby. All I could say was "ok", and choke back the tears (she didn't know I was upset). I don't exactly know why, but I was so disappointed she wouldn't come out. I think I just feel so alone and increasingly distanced from all my friends. My friends that had trouble TTC are now pregnant or have a baby, and my formerly unhitched friends, are "flying" by me. Bottom line, I had a rough night and very puffy eyes the next day.

Happily, I've kept it together since. I'm on day 8 of my cycle so ovulation should be just around the corner.....

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I'll Have Some Wine with that Turkey

AF arrived yesterday. Damn. I knew it was unlikely I'd get pregnant but it still hurts. That being said, I haven't shed a tear. I'm pretty numb to this stuff. And oddly, I often feel slightly better when I find out it's a "no" for sure. At least it puts a stop to all the wondering and over-analysis. Plus, I think it puts me in a better place hormonally. Maybe December is the month. Please, Santa?

For now, I'll be consuming lots of wine as I hang out with the in-laws. Better luck to everyone else and Happy Thanksgiving!!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Time is Going Slowly....Again

Well...I'm back to pressing on my boobs multiple times a day to see if they hurt. I feel so pathetic sometimes! I'm 13 days past the positive OPK and no signs good or bad. It feels silly to hope, but I'm hoping anyway. Even so, I'm not planning on doing a HPT in the next few days. I can't stand those things! I'm just trying to focus on other things. My in-laws arrive Tuesday and are staying with us for a week! They are great....but it will try my patience. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving cooking and short work week.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

7 things

Thank you Kelly for this "award". It is my very first. And, this is the first image I've pasted into my blog. I admire all you ladies who put up fun pictures and stuff. I need to do more of that. Anyway, here are 7 things about me:

1. I love triathlons and have done a couple half-ironmans, the Escape from Alcatraz triathlon (3 times) and some others. I've tried to pull back in recent years given our IF struggles but I sneak one in each year!

2. I am the only child of two PhD's in chemistry. Nerds. I stayed away from science but opted for finance which is pretty nerdy too. I wish I had a more creative/artistic side.

3. I don't normally wear thong underwear but have found a recent soft spot for hanky pankies.

4. I hate eggs and always have. Actually, I don't really like pancakes, waffles, french toast or pastries either. On the other hand, I will happily eat italian, mexican or chinese food for breakfast.

5. I want to come back in my next life as an amazing singer (preferably a fertile one). I want to belt it out and move people to tears!

6. My husband is from Minnesota and plays ice hockey once a week. I am still trying to figure out the rules of ice hockey.

7. We went to Buenos Aires and Patagonia in February. Steak, wine, river rafting, lakes, mountains, sleep........I cried (literally) when I left.

I'm not good at "chain letters"! But, pass it on to Melissa, Cathy and hope4joy.

I hope everyone is doing well. I feel like it's been a rough week for a lot of people.


Saturday, November 14, 2009


I'm so sick of ambiguity, of second guessing, of worrying and hoping...

So, as I've posted before, we're trying to get pregnant "naturally" for the next few months. This could be considered the "normal" way to get pregnant. I admit it's nice to not be getting shots, ultrasounds, etc. And, maybe I should feel lucky that success is possible without intervention. But, how can I really take any comfort in where I am?

I remember crying over three years ago, the second time we used OPK's. It was our first wedding anniversary weekend and we were hoping to celebrate with some good news. I was so crushed and frustrated. We talked about how there is no way that I wouldn't be pregnant by the holidays. Yet, this is likely to be the fourth year that I don't get my Christmas wish. When I look back on those initial disappointments, it seems so naive and silly. That was nothing. At the same time, I've become so bitter and hardened by this process, that I've barely shed a tear over much worse things that have happened. I've learned to distance myself from the pain - for better or worse. I don't even remember the the exact due date from my last failed pregnancy. I just had to put the memory and hope away.

So, how am supposed to be ok with all of this? I'm still wondering how long this journey is going to last and what the path will be? I'm wondering if I'm just "wasting time" by trying naturally? I'm wondering if the glasses of wine that keep me sane are a bad idea? I'm wondering how many more awkward conversations I'm going to have with friends? I hate this.

I lead a balanced life and get to do tons of things I love. I've got great family and friends. I'm just a normal girl, trying to have a baby. But, I'm not.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

TWW - Finally

I've been MIA because I was in New York all last week. It was a good visit but I'm glad to be back on the west coast.

I think I am close to ovulating so I'll be starting my TWW journey pretty soon. I'm excited to finally be at this point for the first time since June (b/c then I got pregnant and miscarried and then accidentally got pregnant (?!) and miscarried again). But, I'm also dreading all the insane thoughts that will soon invade my head as I wait for the news. I'm not that hopeful, but a little hope goes a long way!

I've been thinking a bit more about getting a second opinion (per my last blog). I was going to wait until January to think about this but I think I'll get the ball rolling sooner. It could take awhile to get in to see some Dr's. I am close to ruling out doing IVF with a RE that is out of state. It just seems like too much time and logistical difficulty. I can't imagine dealing with any more stress than already exists. And, I'd need to use at least a week of my vacation.....This may seem like messed up priorities, but I'd rather save my vacation for a real vacation, not a week of medical procedures and bedrest. I have found the vacations I've taken over the last few years ESSENTIAL in the midst of all this crap, and just don't want to give them up. Plus, in the bay area, there are several excellent clinics so I don't feel like I'd be giving up much, if anything.

On a somewhat humorous note, when I logged into Amazon the other day, it showed my "recommended" items for purchase. One of them was a package of 50 ovulation pee-sticks. Thanks, Amazon, as if it wasn't obvious to me that I need a lot of help.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

RE Visit

We had a "state of the union" with our RE today. It was tough but helpful. I didn't cry, but I felt like I was about to at several points. When I'm in those offices and there is "a mission" (e.g. transfer, follicle count, etc.) I'm usually pretty strong, but when I just need to go in for something minor, I'm an emotional wreck. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and all the sadness from past experiences seeps into me. I think "I can't do this anymore..I can't go through this again..why me?...etc, etc." Anyway, I survived today without a breakdown.

Summary of the conversation:

1. He agrees with trying naturally for a few months since it's worked recently. phew...i like the break from the meds, etc.

2. He think egg quality is the issue...causing both infertility and miscarriages. They've started an embryo screening process during IVF that we could use next time. It could identify embryos that would likely result in miscarriage. That's a small consolation...but more data is better.

3. I brought up the very uncomfortable discussion of getting a second opinion (since we've been seeing him for 2.5 years already). This was hard for me because I believe my dr./clinic is excellent, but more so because he is a family friend. He was great about it. He encouraged it and thinks we may learn something from it. It's kind of daunting to think about starting over with a new Dr. But, hey, maybe it will help. I think we'll get that process started in a month or so. He mentioned some clinics that are out of town. That sounds really challenging. Has anyone done that? How many times do you have to travel?

4. I broached the subject of donor eggs. He asked if we wanted to have the emotional conversation or just the process conversation. It took me .2 seconds to pick process, since I was trying to avoid an emotional breakdown. Anyway, on the process front, he said it typically takes about 5 months start to finish and walked us through the major steps.

5. I told him about the IF blogging community and that he should mention it as a resource for patients. I wish I would have known about it earlier as all of you are awesome!

All in all, I'm glad we had this appointment. But, this is serious and heavy stuff. It's going to be hard to make some of these decisions. Please, please, please let me get pregnant before we have to.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

TGIF (almost!)

Can I get a "hell yeah!", it's almost the end of the week. I am very excited for a low key weekend. I have been way too stressed out about work this week. I don't know how I'm going to handle all my responsibilities and stay sane, much less relaxed enough to get pregnant. Balance...balance..balance. Why is it so hard sometimes!?

Anyhoo, I have nothing fun or interesting to report. I'm glad Jennifer didn't get eliminated from Top Chef. Speaking of food, I had the most DELICIOUS BBQ shrimp on garlic toast this week. Anyone that lives in or visit the bay area should go to Town Hall and order it. YUM.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Hello there for any newbies to my blog. I'm trying this ICLW thing for the first time. I've been blogging for a few non-eventful (sort of) months of my IF journey and it's done me wonders, but I could use a few more "friends".

Even though few of us are where we want to be, I cherish staying up with others news and relating to the hope, disappointment, insanity, dark humor, sadness, and so much more.

Here's my deal:

I am 35 and am in disbelief that I've been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years. I have tried everything including Clomid, Letrazole, IUI, and IVF. I have been pregnant two or three times (i know...really confusing .... read blogs from late september if you want to know more) but never made it past 8 weeks. I am currently waiting for my body to get "back to normal" post-miscarriage. I feel guilt, anger, sadness, numbness, confusion, bitterness (is that the same as anger?) and the full array of IF emotions. I've actually been feeling really strong and happy lately but I think that ugly stuff lies below the surface.

The diagnosis is unexplained, although I had mild endometriosis removed via laparoscopy and FSH is a little high (in the 9's). In any case, I don't have a baby and it's hard to have hope. But,
given my recent "success" getting pregnant, I want to try naturally for the next few months before getting back to ART. If we are still not pregnant a few months down the road, I'm not sure if we'll try IVF again, or move on to donor eggs. I'm trying to wrap my mind around the latter idea. Thoughts?

Other than that, I love food & wine, sporty stuff (especially triathlons & yoga), the outdoors and too many TV shows. Right now, I don't like baby showers or even 1- and 2-year old birthday parties. I've struggled at sharing my IF journey and feel really thankful for the blogging community.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Marley & Me Commentary

I watched Marley & Me the other night. I thought it would be a touching and feel good movie about a dog. It sort of was. [Don't read on if you haven't seen the movie]. And, I was actually feeling good about the movie industry when the couple's first pregnancy ends in miscarriage. It was at least a little more of dose of reality than most movies where it takes once try to get pregnant and the pregnancy is easy as can be. But, after the does of reality, Jennifer Anniston knocks out three kids back to back...including one "whoops" So, in the end, the movie kind of depressed me because it was a view of "normal" life that just isn't happening for me. Oh well. At least the dog was cute. And, there life looked kind of painful at times anyway. And, I like my husband more than Owen Wilson :)

Nothing exciting to report on the fertility front. I think I'm entering the latter half of my cycle and hope to start trying again (naturally) next month!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Wine Tasting at Childcare Center?

My parents just departed after a three day visit. It was fun to see them but I'm always ready for some downtime after a visit. Nothing much has been happening for me on the fertility front. I started bleeding again last weekend but it's stopped again. And, my Dr's aren't concerned. I think I may be ovulating (or close to it) because seeing some cervical mucous. I never thought I'd be so excited about it....but I am. I just want to get back to normal.

A group of friends from work invited me to a wine tasting at a childcare place. The idea is that they take care of your kids and while you do a wine tasting. My friends (who don't know about my IF) wrote - "even though you don't have kids we wanted to invite you. and, to incentivize you, you can get a discount. You're lucky you don't have to pay for childcare!". While this was a nice gesture, there are so many things about it that piss me off. Obviously, the biggest is that I don't have a kid and don't "fit in". Also, I have this "big secret" from them, and so I can't even blame them for their insensitive comments, but I'm still hurt be them. And, I am not even remotely interested in going! If I want to drink wine I'm going to go to a BAR not a childcare center!! I'm sure they'll just talk about their kids the whole time anyway. So, I lied and said I had plans.

On another note, I hurt my foot/ankle a couple weeks ago and have put marathon training on hold. That blows. I am going to get it checked out this week.

Despite all the venting above, life is pretty good. I'm still in a pretty good spot mentally.

Monday, September 28, 2009

More Uncertainty

The last week has been frustrating and anticlimactic. My OBGYN still believes I had another pregnancy and miscarriage...but can't be absolutely certain. My RE thinks it's more likely I was passing tissue/blood from the previous miscarriage.....but doesn't know. Basically, my RE thinks my OBGYN missed something on the ultrasound I had after the last miscarriage. But my OBGYN is confident in what she saw. Maybe I just want to believe I got pregnant again, but I believe I got pregnant again. Why? Two reasons - 1. There was a lot of blood/tissue in this recent round...I feel like my OBGYN would have to have been blind to have missed it. 2. I'm the only one that went through it and I don't know what else would cause that much pain and bleeding. In any case, I'll never know for sure. Annoying.

And, neither Dr. seems to think it really makes a difference anyway. So, I've just gone through more physical and mental hell and nobody really cares. Sweet.

Anyway, all I can hope for is that my body gets back on track ASAP. I had an ultrasound today at my RE's office and he said my ovaries are confused......hopefully, my hormones will start working regularly soon.

On a more happy note, my hubby and I celebrated our 4th anniversary this past weekend. We flew to Seattle and had a wonderful time. We did some sightseeing, ate a lot, drank a lot and relaxed a lot too. He planned the weekend so all I had to do was show up! Oh - and we also each ran 20 miles - well I ran/walked. I am still planning to do the NYC marathon on 11/1. Yes - maybe a dumb move for my reproductive system. I certainly wouldn't have been training had I known what was potentially going on last month. In any case, the marathon gives me something to look forward to. Training is a release for me. Completing it will feel good - something I can do as compared to all my IF "failures". And, hopefully when I finish, my body will be ready to make this baby thing happen!!!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Freaking Out

I will know more in the next couple days but for now I'm kind of freaking out.

Last night, I had horrible cramping and passed a lot of blood and tissue. This is gross to say, but I'm going to say it anyway....there were like walnut sized pieces plopping into the toilet. Sorry, I know that's gross. And, the cramps were so bad I was squirming around in the fetal position, feeling like I was going to throw up. So, it started to dawn on me, is this another, separate miscarriage? I knew we were supposed to take a month off but I didn't even consider contraception because - why would I after almost 4 years of trying and almost no success getting pregnant? We didn't do OPK's or time anything, and I don't even remember when we had sex. Anyway, I finally got a hold of my OBGYN (after 4 calls), and her gut is that it's a separate miscarriage. Because she did an ultrasound after my last miscarriage that showed no remaining tissue, she thinks this bleeding is separate.

I'm getting my second HCG test & results tomorrow. This will tell us if it's going up or down (from 168). I'd like to think it could be going up but I know there is absolutely no way there is anything viable in my uterus (if you were in my position you would know too). The nurse said, "we don't want to see you tomorrow because if the level is going up, it will be to early to see anything". Give me a break lady! I told her that I don't think I'm pregnant, I just want to make sure everything is cleared out. Anyway, I will know soon enough and go in for an ultrasound.

There's still a few possibilities...I should just wait until tomorrow to get more information but I can't stop thinking about it and speculating:
1. This is a separate miscarriage. I have to admit that this kind of makes me excited because it means I got pregnant again. I never thought I would say I got "accidentally pregnant". Insane. The bad news is that this would be miscarriage #3. But, since my lining may not of been in good shape after miscarriage #2 a month earlier, maybe I don't read so much into it? I don't know. I am definitely not feeling a loss because I never even thought in a million years that I was pregnant. Maybe the laprascopic surgery I had in May really was a game changer. My other concern with this scenario is that after two miscarriage in a few months, my body may need a longer break before we try again. More waiting........grrrrr.
2. The bleeding cramping are carryovers from the last miscarriage. Somehow my HCG is still up from the last pregnancy. Can a placenta basically be gone and then re-grow? I don't know if that's possible. Both my Dr.'s have said that's unlikely. I hope this is not the case because then it's just another thing that happens only in very rare cases, i.e. mine. I guess that means I'd do a D&C.
3. My OBGYN saw a possible fibroid in my uterus at the last couple ultrasounds. I was doing some googling (so addictive) and it looks like fibroids can cause abnormal bleeding. But, they shouldn't elevate HCG... ? I hope I don't have a fibroid that is messing up things and needs to be removed. But, I guess it wouldn't be the end of the world.

Anyway, I am just very intrigued by this whole thing. I'm not sad right now, I'm just wondering what the heck is going on. Give me some answers!!!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Positive & Pissed

I finally "broke down" and contacted my Dr. about the fact that my "period" is weird and never ending this month. I had been thinking my body just needed to work through this and then everything would be fine. When I told him about the bleeding and cramping he said it is not normal and wants me to come in for an ultrasound. First, he had me get an HCG test. And, it was FUCKING POSITIVE (160). Are you kidding me? It's so hard for me to get this hormone activated in my body and now it's been lingering around for 2 months post miscarriage, confusing my system. I knew I should have had the test taken sooner but Dr. didn't prescribe it and who really wants to get blood drawn to see that you're not pregnant. I do that enough when I'm actually trying to get pregnant. Oh - and in case there's any doubt, it's not possible I'm pregnant because I haven't had sex in ages given this neverending bleeding. Gotta love that too.

I think I should have had a D&C instead of taking misoprostol. I reacted better when I had the D&C - it just hurt too much. God forbid that I have a third miscarriage but I would choose D&C under sedation.

Anyway, I don't yet know what the next steps are. I'll find out today or tomorrow. What I do know is that this is causing more delays. More months of waiting to even try.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Yosemite & More Delays

I've been a bad blogger. But, I have a pretty good excuse. I spilled water all over my keyboard and it died. Then, it took me almost a week to get a new one. Then, I got busy with work and went out of town for four days. But, now I'm back.

This past weekend was another lovely one. We were at a wedding in breathtakingly beautiful Yosemite. We did some running and hiking in between the various wedding events. The personal vows were heartfelt, funny and endearing. I love weddings.

On the fertility front, I am getting very pissed off at my body. I started my period (or at least I thought I did) two weeks ago. It was super light for awhile and then it picked up on day 5 or so, with cramps and more bleeding. Then, it started tapering off again but this weekend it picked up AGAIN. So today is day 14 of bleeding. And, the last two night the cramping has woken me up in the middle of the night and kept me up for an hour or so. I am wondering if there was still tissue left over from the last pregnancy but I had an U/S a month or so ago and they said there wasn't. I did some midnight googling last night and found others with similar experiences so maybe this is nothing to worry about. I think I will call my Dr. if the bleeding continues much longer. But, I doubt they'll have anything to say. I was originally thinking that we would try naturally this cycle but now success seems highly unlikely. First, I don't know WTF my body is doing. And, I don't think it's be worth trying OPK's because who knows when it will happen. Normally it would be around know but I'm still having bleeding and cramping so who knows. Anyway, we'll still go for it, but I feel like more and more time is flying by without any forward movement.

The upside of having a messed up body is that mentally I'm still doing fairy well. I'm not waiting on pins and needles to find out if I'm pregnant. And, I'm not under medical supervision. I like that part.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


This past week has been a blur. My friend's wedding in Laguna Beach was beautiful. It was an honor to be in her wedding. There was so much love & support in the air. beginnings! I did think on several occasions about my own marriage and how it's been almost four years. It makes me happy to think about how strong our relationship is despite our struggles with infertility and loss. I feel truly blessed to have found my husband.

I did note that several people told my friend (the bride) to "hurry up and have kids". I can't stand these types of comments anymore as the whole concept is foreign to me.

I think AF arrived last night. The bleeding is light, but since this is my first cycle since the miscarriage, I'm not expecting it to be normal. This is good because it means we can start trying again but it has already reintroduced a certain amount of stress back into my life. The pressure is on.....will it work?....when will I ovulate?... what if it doesn't work?.....when will i get crazy and/or sad?

For now, I'm still feeling pretty good.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

No Progress But Feeling Good

It's been awhile since I've posted. There is absolutely nothing going on with my cycle as far as I can tell. I'm not taking OPK's this cycle but I don't think I've ovulated yet. It's been over six weeks since we found out about the miscarriage. I'd like to get this cycle over with so we can get on with things!

In the mean time, I'm having a grand ole' time. I was in Vegas last weekend with my husband and friends. I didn't do much gambling, but there was a lot of laughter and a lot of vodka. This weekend, we're off to Laguna Beach for one of my best friend's wedding. I am very excited to share in the joyous occasion. Of course, whenever one of my friends gets married I think "great, now another person is going to "pass" me on the baby making route." But, oh well.

I'm feeling very mentally and emotional strong these days. I think blogging is helping me "release" my thoughts. And, reading the blogs of others has really helped me feel like I'm not alone and insane! I've also been seeing a therapist for a couple months. And, I'm starting to be more open about my fertility issues. I have shared my issues with some new people and gotten really comforting and kind responses. All of these things are helping a little with the isolation that sometimes overwhelms me. At the same time, I know the emotional roller coaster will continue.

I do still have my moments. We got an invitation to my friend's son's 2nd birthday party. I saw that we'll be out of town on that date and I sarcastically said "bummer". My husband looked at me like I was so evil. But I told him that I don't really enjoy birthday parties for kids because they just demonstrate that everyone except us has kids. No thank you.

Anyway, all in all, I'm feeling good.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Exercise - Friend or Foe?

I don't have much to report since I'm on a post-miscarriage "rest". I've been getting back into shape. I did a long run on Saturday and 70-mile bike ride on Sunday. I have a bit of an internal battle with myself about exercise and whether or not it's "good" for me. I know it's mentally great for me. And, the times that I have not exercised in the last few years have not had any good results in terms of pregnancy. In fact, I got pregnant this last time after a month of pretty intense triathlon training and then the Escape from Alcatraz triathlon. So, that made me even less cautious about working out. I don't appear to have any issues with ovulating or cycling normally, and am not too skinny, so I think it's fine. But, of course, since our infertility is unexplained, I'm always wondering if I should lead my life differently. I am signed up for the New York Marathon on Nov. 1. I'm not planning to break any records and plan to walk some of it. I just think it will be a blast to be in the midst of the crowd!! I am a sucker for that stuff. Of course, I really hope I won't be able to do it because I'll be pregnant. But, that is very, very wishful thinking.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

My fortune cookie message tonight:

"Contentment is just around the corner for you. Look forward!"

I like it.

Nothing very new to report. I've been comforted by reading other IF blogs. I empathize with others and truly understand the hodgepodge of feelings that come with IF.

I've been oddly happy the last week or so. Since I'm on a "rest" period, I know I can't really do anything on IF front and there's a certain freedom that comes with that.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Still Bleeding

My Dr. gave me misoprostol two weeks ago. I bled right away and had been spotting since. Then, last weekend, much heavier flow began again. So, I guess it "didn't work" the first time. I went in for an U/S today and they said there's just a little blood left. So, shouldn't be much longer. Just a bit more of a delay than I would have liked. But, as my husband said, we are used to delays. The Dr. also saw a little cyst in my uterus that was there at my 6-week u/s. It's probably nothing but she wants to monitor it. Hmmm..... please go away little cyst!!

Anyway, despite this minor setback, I'm feeling pretty good. My 3-day San Diego trip was great - warm weather, great conversations with a dear friend, time in the ocean, lots of food & drinks, and sleep. Speaking of sleep, it's past my bedtime so I'm off.

Friday, July 31, 2009


Phew - made it through another week. And, I have a five day weekend ahead of me. I'll be wine tasting tomorrow, biking Sunday and hanging out with my friend in San Diego (and her one month old adorable baby) on Monday through Wednesday. Wine, sun, surf, etc.... I need it.

I had an email exchange with my RE this week that was rather disconcerting. I told him that my leaning was to try naturally for a few months to see if it will work again. The good news is he agreed. The bad news is he said "I honestly do not know if we will have more success with IVF or IUI". Now, that is a downer. Basically, he's almost giving up on being able to help us. I guess I already knew that we were nearing the end of the IVF road. And, part of me is glad that there is an end to that road. But, it's scary.

What percentage of people can't be helped after two years of aggressive treatments? I am feeling in the minority here. I know there are many people who are in worse situations than me, but a whole bunch of people seem to "beat" IF. As I'm entering this blog world, I've been searching around different infertility blogs and so many of you are pregnant. That is so amazing and I certainly wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, but I feel like I'm joining a more an more "elite" club (as if it's a good thing).

Anyway, again, I'm so happy it's the weekend and I have been feeling relatively good overall. I've only broken down in tears a couple times this week. I'm still spotting which is annoying (go away!!). But, all in all, I'm dealing.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Friendships & Isolation

I have wonderful friends who make me laugh, inspire me and keep me grounded. And, several of my friendships have endured the test of time, as life is full of different stages, challenges and surprises. However, I feel my connectedness to my friends slipping away with each passing month and/or each disappointment I have suffered in recent years. Infertility is REALLY isolating.

I find it difficult to share the struggles I've had with fertility. I think some of it is because I usually don't get the reactions and/or support that I want. Friends often fall into these categories:
1. Clueless - Not trying and hasn't tried getting pregnant. Not all that interested and not aware of the depth of the issue.
2. Silent - After I confide in them, they never raise the issue again. Obviously they're not comfortable with the topic and probably are afraid to raise a tough issue.
3. "Just relax" - You just need to stop worrying about it and it will happen when it is time. It is not that big of a deal.
All of these reactions drive me kind of batty! But, I know that I probably wouldn't have been a great friend five years ago (I think I would have been the "silent" type). And, I know that my friends have only good intentions. So, in addition to feeling hurt by some of their behaviors, I then feel guilty for doing so. It's fun.

Despite this, I will continue to share for a few reasons:
1. I think it's important for people to know about infertility and to make the topic less taboo. Who knows if someone I confide in will have similar struggles someday or know someone else who does?
2. I have shared with a couple friends who have been absolutely amazing through all of this. They are supportive, understanding and comfortable talking about things with me. Just having a few amazing "fertility friends" makes all the difference.
3. When I don't share with people, I feel as though they really don't know me. I almost feel as if I'm being dishonest - and honesty is incredibly important to me. So, I just have to get it off my chest sometimes...even though it sometimes just leads to other frustrations.

I wish I didn't feel this isolation. I wish my friendships didn't have to become more complicated because of this. But, they have.

Saturday, July 25, 2009


Thank god the end of this week in nearing. It's hard to believe that just a week ago I was filled with hope & fear and now I'm just filled with emptiness. On Wednesday, my Dr. inserted misoprostel into my cervix to induce miscarriage. It seems to have worked because I started bleeding within six hours. And while it's been sad and gross, I'm glad I chose this method over another D&C. When I had a D&C last year, the Dr. only used local anesthetic and it sure didn't feel numb to me!! That was not a good experience.

I'm trying to focus on having fun but I really don't have the energy. I'm a doer and a planner but this loss just has me feeling unmotivated. However, I know, in time, I will start to feel better. My Dr. said that after one normal cycle, we can start trying again so that is good. The fact that I got pregnant naturally this last time makes me really eager to try again because maybe something has just "clicked" in my body. At the same time, I am pretty pessimistic that it will actually work. Before this pregnancy, I was starting to warm up to the ideas of donor eggs. I think I have energy for one more full IVF cycle in me (and not soon), but that is probably it.

I'm about to watch the Ventoux stage of the Tour de France. The Tour has been a good distraction during these past few weeks. Later, I am supposed to hang out with a friend of mine that is now 11 weeks pregnant. I have mixed feelings about this. I am obviously very envious of her and am not sure how I'll deal. Tomorrow, I'm going to an outdoor concert so that should be fun. I can tell you that wine will be a very important part of the picnic menu.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Doing a Double Today

Since I'm taking the day off from work today (I feel awful), I'll jot down a few more thoughts.

I filled in my history on the blog homepage so the major events are all there. I don't know where I'm going to go from here. Basically, I still don't know why it's so hard for me to get pregnant. Almost every test result it normal. My FSH is a little high and I have (had) mild endometriosis, but these are things that I should have "beat" via IVF. When I've had blastocytes transferred, the embryo quality has looked good to great. But, I've gotten pregnant only one out of four times, a crappy result for being < 35 (although now i am 35) and having no major issues. So, the dreaded "poor egg quality" may be the answer. BUT, this is only half the battle. I've now had two miscarriages thus getting pregnant is only part of the problem. I know that "they" say not to draw any conclusions from one or two miscarriages but it's a little hard not to. I've had the slew of blood tests related to miscarriage risks and, of course, all the test results are good.

This last miscarriage is a really tough blow. I somehow got pregnant naturally. Maybe it's because I just had some minor endometriosis removed or maybe it's because the stars aligned, but it happened. My husband and I just felt that this was one. I hope I can get pregnant again without assistance. But, what if it was a "fluke" and I'll just be "wasting time" by trying naturally for a few months?

The one good thing about finding out this pregnancy is not viable is that the waiting game is over. I have been on pins and needles these last few weeks knowing that everything was going to be wonderful or it was gonna suck. Sadly, it sucks. But, at least I know and can now get on with my non-pregnant life.

Here I Am

Where do I start?

Yesterday, at my 7-week ultrasound, I found out that I will miscarry any day now. This will be my second miscarriage in my 3+ year struggle to get pregnant. I am heartbroken and in disbelief about how hard this process is and has been.

Over the years, I have accumulated quite a bit of "baggage" related to infertility and pregnancy. I think I've done ok at keeping things in perspective and not letting the process rule my life. At the same time, the frustration, sadness and bitterness are sometimes overwhelming. And, the experience has left me feeling isolated from most of my "more fertile" friends.

I hope that this blog helps me crystallize and release some of my thoughts and connects me to others in similar predicaments. I know I am not really alone in this. I have lots of ideas running around in my head about topics to write about. And, I want to share my full history. So, stay tuned.