Thursday, December 31, 2009

An Appropriate End to 2009

Today, DH found out and told me that his brother is pregnant (well, his wife is pregnant). They got married in March and his wife is 39. Given her age, they went right into fertility treatments. Apparently her egg count/quality was so low that IVF wasn't even going to be an option. And, apparently they only had like a 2% chance of success. But, they beat the odds and she's 8.5 weeks pregnant after IUI. This is another one of those bittersweet moments. The ratio is about 99% bitter and 1% sweet. I can't fucking deal.

I have so many friends and have heard so many stories about people beating the odds. When am I gonna beat the odds? I don't even know what my odds are. I am not that old (35), I have lots of eggs (my IVF cycles have resulted in 4+ high quality blastocytes), and I'm as healthy as a horse. I am so sick of this shit. Why didn't someone just tell me 4 years ago that I had 0% chance of success, so I wouldn't have wasted all this time and drained so much of my spirit? I hate being a failure. I hate that I've "worked" so hard and this and have nothing to show for it. I really, really hate what this has done to my friendships. I feel like nobody understands me. Lately, I've been thinking about how I need a fun girls weekend away, but all my friends are knocked up or busy with families. And, even if we went away together, I feel like we don't relate so well anymore. Ugh!!!!!!!

So, I guess this is an appropriate way to end 2009. Another dagger to the heart.

I'll be fine, this is just one (of many) of those moments.

Ok - now I'm going to drink a lot of alcohol.

Happy new year to all!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Post Xmas Post

I've been totally out of the blogging universe for the last week. I just got caught up on my blog reading and was happy to see some good news from a couple folks. At the same time, misery loves company - I embrace all of you that have had a rough holiday and are hoping that somehow, someway 2010 is going to be better. What's new with me...

1. AF arrived on Christmas (CD32). Yep. On Christmas. Why?!?!? I had unusual amount of hope and weird symptoms this month so am really bummed. Each night, I was waking up to pee every in the middle of the night. I was feeling nauseated often. My boobs kinda hurt although admittedly I think they hurt because I torture them! Anyway, it seemed possible.

2. Despite #1, I had a good holiday. Even with the hell of the 2ww and yet another disappointing result, I had fun over the holidays. I have a tiny family and there were no kids around so I think that helps. I felt so much love from my parents and DH. Excluding all this IF crap, my life is really wonderful.

3. Despite #2, I can't do this much longer. I can't handle more "failed attempts". I want to either (1) move onto donor eggs or adoption or (2) just decide that it may never happen and stop really "trying" to make it happen (of course, still hoping that it will happen). For me, this latter option means that I can exercise and drink to my hearts content. In any case, we still have our appt with a new RE on 1/19 and will try one more round of IVF if she thinks it's a good idea. For this next cycle, we'll just give it another go the old fashioned way.

Friday, December 18, 2009

I Feel Sick

I've felt sick since Monday. Over the weekend, I was still in sad and hopeless mode. I was convinced this cycle had no chance of success. Then, Monday, which was a whopping 4 days past ovulation (although I feel like the OPK was "wrong" this month), I started feeling this sick feeling that I had during my previous pregnancies. I also starting peeing a lot. I went on a google binge (wondering if the positive OPK could have meant a BFP, whether I could have ovulated super early this month, etc. et) and, by the end of the day, my mind was racing so fast I decided to do an HPT. This is VERY uncharacteristic of me. I basically never test because I can't handle the negative feedback. I just wait for AF to arrive and then curse her. And, here I was testing on day 21 of my cycle. Of course, it was negative. And, WTF was I thinking? I knew it wasn't really physically possible feel any pregnancy symptoms, much less get a positive result, but I still tried. I think I've got a case of the crazies.

Today is day 25 of my cycle (7DPO). I've continued to have the sick feeling all week. And, I've felt some twinging and and there has been a rise in pee trips. But, as real as it seems, I think I'm probably just causing myself to feel these things. Or, maybe I'm just sick....but it's a really unique feeling. I can't bring myself to test again, though. And, I'm not sure when I will. This uncertainty is a bitch!

Anyway, at least I've stopped crying daily. And, I'm off work until the 28th! We're headed to Oregon for Christmas with my parents.

Friday, December 11, 2009

December Blues

Life is kind of sucking right now. I am just sad. I saw my therapist yesterday and was basically fighting back tears the whole time. She basically told me, in many different ways, "it's ok to be sad". But I still don't want to be sad.

I did finally get a positive OPK result on day 17 (yesterday). I'm am not feeling good about this month given my mood and the fact that I ovulated a bit late. Of course we had sex to try and make things happen, but I was fighting back the tears during that too. So sexy....NOT!!!

The good news is that I know I will feel better at some point. I have to. And I will. I have rebounded before and I will do it again. I've been dealing with this for 3. 5 years and I have had many great times during that time. (Yes, I am giving myself a pep talk!)

But, for now, I feel reclusive and uninspired.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The 12 Days of IF

I love Christmas carols and I couldn't resist....

12 needles poking
11 follies struggling
10 sticks to pee on
9 ways of obsessing
8 boobs not milking
7 spermies swimming (is that all?!)
6 two weeks of waiting
4 ultrasounds
3 follistim pens
2 sterile gloves
and another negative HCG

Happy holidays everyone!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Oh Christmas Tree

We put up our Christmas tree over the weekend. I love it, love it, love it. Unfortunately, the process was a bit more stressful/humorous than usual. First of all, I put on most of the lights and realized I had the strand going in the wrong direction! I looked at the end of the strand and though "this is not going to plug into anything". Duh! So I had to redo some work. Then, after the tree was decorated, we decided to try and get a plastic tarp under the tree. Of course, we were supposed to do that at the beginning, but we forgot. soon as we tried to tilt the tree, the whole tree started falling over! I was freaking out about all my ornaments! Note that I was not worried about my husband who the tree was falling on, just my ornaments ;) Only one ended up breaking and, after many readjustments, we got the tree back upright. It still has a slight tilt, but I still love it.

My company Christmas party was Friday. Here's a picture of me and DH. I am generally very stealth about my blogging (i.e. no photos) but I decided to provide a little glimpse of us.

Anyhoo, I'm feeling good but vulnerable these days. I'm on day 14 of my cycle. I haven't gotten a positive OPK yet but for some reason I feel like I've ovulated. Maybe tomorrow. I made an appointment with a new RE for a second opinion on 1/19/10. I've started acupuncture again. My last appointment was uber relaxing. I'm taking a some herbs and trying to cut back on caffeine (even though I basically only drinking decaf anyway!). I got the ok on moderate quantities of alcohol and am happy about that one. So, I feel like I'm taking some good steps, but I also feeling a bit hopeless. I'm prone to crying episodes. Yesterday, I was driving over the Golden Gate bridge while listening to cheesy Christmas music, with tears streaming down my face.

On another note, I am so impressed by all you bloggers. Your posts and comments are so thoughtful, touching, inspiring and real. I'm very happy to "have you".

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Rambing Post

Aah.....the joy of being alone in my home. My in-laws left today after a week long visit. That is just too long for me. They are kind, but they are so different than me. And, my mother in-law talks A LOT more than me. The visit just raised my stress level. Here's how it goes: (1) I get annoyed with them. (2) I get a little rough around the edges. (3) I feel stressed and guilty for parts (1) and (2). It's vicious circle! Anyway, it's over and I'm loving the feeling of having the house back to ourselves. To make the holiday extra exciting, our refrigerator stopped properly functioning on Thanksgiving morning. Nothing like waking up to a raw turkey in your 50 degree fridge! At least is wasn't warmer than that. Anyhow, were able to keep things cool enough using ice, but it wasn't ideal. And, since I've already bitched about my in-laws and our fridge, I will continue....

I had a mini meltdown last weekend. We went out for drinks with four couples we know. It was fun, but it hurt. Three of the couples have infants and one of the couples is recently married. The new parents all swapped stories. I waited in anticipation to see if my recently married friend would be drinking. Phew...she was...but how pathetic is it that I was so focused on that action? And, I kept thinking about how we started TTC before any of the other couples with kids. In fact, we have been trying to conceive since before one of the couples was even engaged. It is so not fair. I felt bitter and sad. And, what do I have to report? Nothing. I'm so tired of responding to "what have you been up to?", with "not much. we had a good weekend...blah, blah, blah", when I really feel like saying "still TTC and it sucks balls!". Two of the four couples know about our struggles, but, of course, they don't ask about it. I appreciate that people want to be sensitive around me, but every once in awhile I would like a "how are you doing with things? It must be really hard...". Anyway, I left the bar feeling pretty vulnerable. Afterward, I was supposed to meet one of my best friends, who was in town for the weekend. I called her and she told me she was to tired to come out. She also has a new baby. All I could say was "ok", and choke back the tears (she didn't know I was upset). I don't exactly know why, but I was so disappointed she wouldn't come out. I think I just feel so alone and increasingly distanced from all my friends. My friends that had trouble TTC are now pregnant or have a baby, and my formerly unhitched friends, are "flying" by me. Bottom line, I had a rough night and very puffy eyes the next day.

Happily, I've kept it together since. I'm on day 8 of my cycle so ovulation should be just around the corner.....