Thursday, December 31, 2009

An Appropriate End to 2009

Today, DH found out and told me that his brother is pregnant (well, his wife is pregnant). They got married in March and his wife is 39. Given her age, they went right into fertility treatments. Apparently her egg count/quality was so low that IVF wasn't even going to be an option. And, apparently they only had like a 2% chance of success. But, they beat the odds and she's 8.5 weeks pregnant after IUI. This is another one of those bittersweet moments. The ratio is about 99% bitter and 1% sweet. I can't fucking deal.

I have so many friends and have heard so many stories about people beating the odds. When am I gonna beat the odds? I don't even know what my odds are. I am not that old (35), I have lots of eggs (my IVF cycles have resulted in 4+ high quality blastocytes), and I'm as healthy as a horse. I am so sick of this shit. Why didn't someone just tell me 4 years ago that I had 0% chance of success, so I wouldn't have wasted all this time and drained so much of my spirit? I hate being a failure. I hate that I've "worked" so hard and this and have nothing to show for it. I really, really hate what this has done to my friendships. I feel like nobody understands me. Lately, I've been thinking about how I need a fun girls weekend away, but all my friends are knocked up or busy with families. And, even if we went away together, I feel like we don't relate so well anymore. Ugh!!!!!!!

So, I guess this is an appropriate way to end 2009. Another dagger to the heart.

I'll be fine, this is just one (of many) of those moments.

Ok - now I'm going to drink a lot of alcohol.

Happy new year to all!


  1. Blah. I'm sorry. I feel that way also...when will I beat the odds? I understand too about the friends...that all of my friends have kids and won't want to get away and two have decided not to have children and just don't get me. I dont' feel like I fit anymore.

    Enjoy your alcohol. I hope 2010 is the year both of us will beat the odds.

  2. Wow you are my blogging twin! I can so relate to almost everything you've written about and been through (well, except the marathoning, LOL!)--even down to the in-laws!

    I'm sorry you got more "it's a miracle" news from your BIL. You know, I hate hearing those stories too. Miracles may happen, but they don't happen to me, so I'm not holding my breath that if I "just relax" I'll end up pregnant. And I too feel that I've got little in common with my fertile friends, like I said in my blog IF has changed me forever and my life will never be like theirs, no matter how this path ends for us.

    Take care.

  3. I'm sorry! I just found your blog. Rough end to 2009. I hope 2010 is a million times better!

  4. Umm, hi. So the reason I'm commenting on your blog at 10 o'clock on new years eve, is because the two couples we used to spend this particular evening with, are both pregnant. Awesome. When they asked what our plans were for this evening, (we always hosted) we told them we already had plans. When actually our only plans were to avoid them...

    Alice, I'm so sorry you haven't beaten the odds - YET. I know it's incredibly difficult (understatement of the year), but please don't give up. 2009 sucked major ass for both of us, so lets start over tomorrow.

    Wishing you a Happy, Healthy and Successfully Pregnant 2010.


  5. Ugh, I am SO SO sorry, Alice. I know that's not a good way to end 2009. I hope that you will beat the odds in 2010. I hope we all do.


  6. I'm so sorry:( You are my blogging twin too. It effing SUCKS! I hope that 2010 is a better year for the both of us. If I lived closer, I would be over at your house right now chugging some adult beverages with you!