Tomorrow I'll be a Mom

I have a c-section scheduled for 12:15pm tomorrow. I'm 38 weeks now, which is full-term (or beyond) for twins. I've been trying to "get these babies out" for the last couple weeks but they are just loving it in my tummy. I and others cannot believe the size of my belly! And, I think my uterus is so stretched out that it doesn't really work (i.e contract) anymore. Finally, the little girl (baby B) has moved from a vertex/head down position to a transverse/horizontal position. Therefore, my Dr. wants to do a c-section. While that's not my first choice, I'm totally fine with it. There are so many risks and issues that happen with twin pregnancies and I really haven't had any of them. So, I'm not going to fret about having a c-section. All I want are healthy babies.

Several people have remarked about how calm I seem about the uncertainty, the waiting and fact that my life is about to get crazy. Part of that stems from my personality but I think our years of struggling with infertility are largely behind my attitude. First, infertility teaches you that you have NO control over these type of matters. I learned to live with uncertainty and I learned the futility of trying to control things of this nature. Second, having struggled for four years to get to this point makes it very hard to have any frustrations or anger about my current aches and pains, etc. I still feel blessed and in wonder every single day. So, am I nervous? Yep. I'm scared that the babies won't be perfectly healthy. I'm scared of breastfeeding, of getting no sleep, of post-partum depression and of all sorts of other things. But, I don't dwell on these fears and I will conquer them as they arise. For now, I'm focusing on enjoying the final stages of this journey. I can't wait to hold those two little bundles of joy in my arms.

34 Weeks

I'm 34 weeks today. I'm still working full-time, getting out occasionally and, importantly, not on bedrest. At 36 weeks, the twins are considered full term and thus they won't put me on bedrest after that point. So, things are looking good on that front.

On Wednesday, I went in for a weekly "non-stress test". The babies were looking good but they said my uterus was contracting and send us straight over to OBGYN triage. The hooked us back up and the nurse was convinced that I was in labor and the babies would be arriving shortly. It was a bit of a "wake up call". We weren't overly stressed out but we kept looking at each other thinking "holy shit this is actually going to happen!". In the end, the did a fetal fibronectin test which came back negative meaning that I am not likely to go into pre-term labor (in the next 1-2 weeks). So, again, I seem to have a good shot at making it to the 36 week mark.

My OBGYN scheduled a c-section on December 13. In my ideal world, I'd like these two to arrive a week or so before that. But, we will be happy to matter what. I am also hoping to avoid a c-section. Currently, both babies are vertex (head down) so a c-section may not be necessary. But, it will be a game-time decision. I am not feeling stressed out about the delivery process - I don't have any strong expectations and all I care about is having healthy babies. The pain doesn't scare me as it seems minute compared to all the struggles we've endured to get to this point.

I'm just feeling really mellow these days...I hope my emotions continue to stay in check and that the days go by fairly quickly. Ok - off to watch the movie "paranormal activity" - it's supposed to be scary!

An Overdue Update

Hello Folks!

I haven't posted in ages but I'm doing really well. Today, I am 31 weeks pregnant. While we've settled on official names for our boy and girl, for now we've dubbed them Earl & Pearl. It's going to be hard to keep their real names a secret but we're going to try.

My belly is HUGE....people think "it must be any day now", but I have up to seven more weeks. I can almost constantly feel the twins moving around which is pretty fun. While I'm tired and large and don't feel all that good much of the time, I am so, so happy to be in this place. I just keep taking it one day at a time. I haven't had any serious complications nor any signs of pre-term labor. I've been bracing myself for a difficult pregnancy but so far I can't complain. We go in on Wednesday for another ultrasound and our first "non-stress" test. Starting next week, I have one to two Dr. appointments per week. As much as this is a "heavy load", I want the little ones to stay in there as long as possible. Here is a belly shot from a couple weeks ago....

A few friends through me a baby shower last weekend. I had mixed feelings about a shower because I had come to truly, truly dread them during our 4 year quest to conceive. So, at my request, my friends through a couples shower that was basically a cocktail party - no games or activities and we opened gifts in the background as the party went on. For me, that was perfect.

Over the next few weeks, we're trying to get totally ready for Earl & Pearl to arrive. All the major pieces for the nursery have been assembled but we still have lots of stuff to organize. I've go a big "to do" list and we'll be crossing things off this weekend and next. It's crazy to think that in 5 weeks (at 36 weeks), these little ones will be considered full term. It seems both close and far away.

So, that's the update from me. Wishing everyone a good weekend. Go Giants!!

Pinching Myself

It has been a very long time since I've posted. I've still been perusing blogs, but less and less. It's a strange feeling...I miss the interaction but it's nice to not feel the need to blog. I feel guilty about "leaving" the blogging world but so happy to move on. I hope you all know that my thoughts are still with you. I will never forget what it's like to be infertile or to suffer losses. I've had friends ask me if all my years of trying seem miles away and it takes me about .2 seconds to say "absolutely not". I've still got scars, pain, anger, resentment, sadness, etc......but I am healing.

Which brings me to the good news.....we're going to have a boy and a girl! And, at 20 weeks, they are both looking perfectly healthy. We've passed all the genetic testing and ultrasounds. It's unbelievable and amazing. I have shed some of my first tears of joy over the last week just realizing how real this is becoming (up until now, I really haven't shed many tears of joy because I've been so cautious). I feel a sense of redemption.

So, I'm finally in full baby planning mode - equipment, help, etc. It's fun and overwhelming to be here.

16 Weeks

Well, I wanted the Dutch to win the world cup but they just couldn't pull it off today.... and I just ate HUGE crepe filled with bananas & Nutella. Wow, it was so rich that I feel like I need to drink a gallon of water.

Anyway, I have not been feeling very inspired to blog lately. I think I'll be somewhat "fading out" of the blogosphere, but I still love following those on my blog roll, and I always appreciate the comments from those still reading my occasional posts.

I'm now 16 weeks and the bump is out! Our ultrasound on Wednesday went well and we found out that there is a BOY in there! The other baby was not showing us the goods, so we'll have to wait to find out that one's gender for another month. I've had so many people (mostly fertiles) tell me that I should let it be a surprise. But, per my last post, I am so OVER uncertainty. I want to know everything I can.

We started getting a few gifts this past week and it is all becoming increasingly real. I'm still putting them in a bag..in a closet..but it's fun to start assembling some little, cute things! I think after week 20 we are going to start doing our own shopping.

In the near term, I've got a very busy week planned (probably too busy). We've got dinner out with friends, a musical on Wednesday, a girls night on Thursday and we drive to Tahoe for the weekend on Friday. I'm doing the swim leg of a triathlon relay up there which should be fun. I've been swimming a few times a week and it feels awesome. In fact, I'm off to the pool right now...

Forever Unexplained

Recently, the most important question in my mind got answered. It's possible for me to get and stay pregnant. After years of wondering if I ever get here, this seems unbelievable and amazing.

Through our four years of efforts, we were never given any reason why we should have a hard time. The diagnosis was "unexplained infertility". All our tests came back looking good. I responded well to all the treatments (well, except Clomid). The endometriosis they found was mild. The blasts they transferred in IVF were high quality. The miscarriages I had were "bad luck". My first RE suspected "egg quality", but this was never confirmed. My second RE didn't have a diagnosis but was "optimistic". The "unexplained" diagnosis is incredibly frustrating. If nothing is "wrong", why isn't it "right"?

There were so many times I questioned if we should give up, but with no evidence to suggest that something was wrong, we kept moving forward - through doubt, disappointment and heartbreak. As time went by, I could tell that some of my friends and family thought we should move on to adoption or an egg donor. We were thinking about it, but we kept postponing that and continued on - confused, crushed, but somehow with a little bit of hope.

And, now I find myself over 14 weeks pregnant with twins. It's awesome. But, it's still so confusing. I still have so many questions...

• Did going to the new RE help, even though I had tried the drug and IUI at my first clinic?
  
• Did the last seven months of therapy and blogging matter? It helped me resolve some stuff but was my mental state preventing us from success?
  
• Did the laparoscopy 10 months before the IUI procedure make the difference (two of my three pregnancies were post-laparascopy)?
• Why did IUI work after all this time and after more aggressive treatments like IVF failed?
• Why did I get pregnant once from IVF (frozen), once naturally, and once from IUI, but never from a fresh IVF cycle when the chances were highest?
• Did my relatively new acupuncturist help?
  
• Do I have an egg quality issue? If not, what made getting here so damn hard?
  
• How on earth did I produce two "good eggs" when dozens in the past had been duds?
  
• Were the miscarriages really just "bad luck"?
  
• Did it help that I went wine tasting after the IUI procedure that worked!? (yep, I did - something i never would have done early on in our efforts)
  

I could go on and on. There are just so many questions that will never be answered. If I wanted to get pregnant again, I'm not sure what path I would take. If I was asked to give advice to someone with similar experiences to my own, I wouldn't have many confident things to say. I hated when people told me "it will happen" eventually, so I definitely wouldn't say that. I guess I would say that it's good try all the options, to get a second opinion and get some emotional support (in whatever way works best) - but that doesn't seem like enough.

Again, I am so thankful to have "the big question" answered. It makes all the difference. But, it still sucks for all our struggles to be forever unexplained...

Second Trimester Here I .Come!!

I am three days into my second trimester and very happy to be here. However, that doesn't mean I don't still question the fact that I'm actually pregnant multiple times a day. The days go by so slowly.

In terms of recent developments:

• I'm still feeling like crap much of the time, but that's ok. I'm shoving less junk food into my mouth but still too much.
• My pants are getting quite tight. I can't quite get up the nerve to go shopping for maternity clothes but I'll get there. I can see my "bump" and had my husband take a picture, but I don't think it really shows in the photo :(
  
• My boobs are enormous! I knew that my 34C was too small so I went in today to get fitted for a new size. And, what was it? 34 DDD ....triple D's. holy crap!
  
• We've shared our news with a bunch of friends and co-workers. It's been really amazing to finally be out in the open. It was especially touching to tell my friends who know about our struggles over the last 4 years. There were friends that screamed with excitement, friends that shed tears of joy, friends that got goosebumps, etc. It's all sort of surreal and unbelievable.
  

I've been thinking a lot about writing a post on my lingering frustrations with the uncertainty surrounding our IF. While we are now in a great place, there are still so many unanswered questions. So, hopefully I'll come up with something coherent before too long.

Finally, my heart aches for a few fellow bloggers who recently had miscarriages, and others that have been getting unwanted news during cycles, etc. I just want everyone to escape the hell of IF and loss...it's all so unfair.

Pictures!

Yesterday's ultrasound went well! I was 12w2d and the little ones were measuring at 12w6d and 13w. It turns out that they liked the food in Italy as much as I did :) I'm delighted that they are ahead of schedule but thinking they better slow down because there's only so much room in my tummy! In any case, the ultrasound technician took a bunch of other measurements and views (described below) and everything looks great. Here are the beautiful pictures. I haven't been able to bring myself to give them cute names but they are labeled AAA and BBB.

With the first trimester about behind us, we are finally starting to spread the word. We told our parents last night and it was a lot of fun to hear the surprise and joy in their voices.

So, overall, things are going really well. But, since I can still use my blog to vent:

1. The morning sickness is getting real, real old. I think I may be getting some of my energy back, but I still fell nauseated a LOT. I'm hopeful that it will abate by 14 weeks..but I've read that it may run longer for twin pregnancies.

2. My fertile friends are still annoying me. We had some friends over for lunch last Saturday. They got married a little over a year ago and I have just been waiting for them to announce that they're pregnant. Well, now they are. Given that I am too (although I didn't tell them), the news was easier to take. But, the conversation that followed irked me. This friend know we've been trying for years - I haven't confided in her a lot, but she knows we've tried everything over the yeras, that I've had more than one miscarriage and that I broke out in tears during her engagement party because there was so much baby talk (man, that sucked). Anyway, she proceeded to tell me she was nervous about having a baby ....not excited, or blessed, or anything good. And, she told me she would not recommend morning sickness to anyone - that it was a terrible thing to go through. These were very honest comments and I appreciate that, but I just think she should of prefaced it with something like, "we feel very lucky but..." or "we're really excited but..." If you know someone has faced heartbreak and anguish trying to get there...would you complain about it to them? Anyway, I know she didn't mean anything bad...she has a ton on her mind and just a clueless fertile person (like so many others!).

Lastly, for those that wanted more details on the ultrasound I had as part of the integrating screening for genetic testing..... First, it took almost a full hour (but would probably take 30 min for one fetus). The machine was very powerful and could really zoom in. The technician very carefully measured the crown-to-rump from various angles (much more than previous scans I'd had). She also confirmed that there are two arms, two legs, and that the brain has two hemispheres. She showed us the stomach (a little black spot in their bellies), and she took many measurements of the amount of fluid behind the neck (nuchal fold I think). Lots of fluid can be a sign of down syndrome, etc. She took a lot of these measurements and I was getting very nervous that something was wrong, but I think they are just very thorough, because when she gave us the results they were just fine (she wanted to see less than 3mm and they were around 1.6mm). So, overall it was cool because we got to see a lot more detail...and of course, confirmed that all looks good.

Back

We got back from Italy on Tuesday night and I'm starting to get settled back in. Going back to work on Weds to Fri was not so fun, but I did it. Italy was lovely. It was a good mix of city time (Rome & Florence) and being out in the middle of nowhere (Tuscan countryside). We saw some great art, ate very well (can you say carbo loading?), wandered a lot and got plenty of sleep. In the countryside, we did some gorgeous hikes through vineyards and little hilltop towns. Everything was so green & beautiful.

It was great to get away, but it's not as if I was able to stop thinking about this pregnancy. As much as I wanted the vacation to last, I celebrated the end of each day - each day closer to the end of the first trimester. I was definitely nervous that I'd start bleeding and have to navigate the hospital system in Italy. But, I had no scares and plenty of morning sickness, so I guess I feel good about that. I will say that it was a bit of torture for me not to partake in any wine while in Italy. I got a lot of blank stares from waiters when I said I didn't want any wine. Even in my state of nausea, I practically drooled as I walked by couples sharing a bottle of wine of lunch or dinner. I love that mellow wine buzz and I could so use one... :) But, obviously, it's worth it and I feel so blessed to be where we are.

I am 12 weeks pregnant today. Wow. The miscarriage risk should be quite small now but, of course, I still google things like "miscarriage at 12 weeks" and find terrible and heartbreaking stories. We have an ultrasound on Monday as part of our integrated screening for down syndrome, etc. If that goes well, I think we're going to "go public" with our news. Crazy. I have been dreaming of that day for so long.

So, going into this next ultrasound, I'm as hopeful as I've ever been. I've had no spotting, plenty of morning sickness and have gained 5 pounds...and I think I have an emerging bump. I am just hoping and praying that the little ones are doing well in there. I love them so....

More Smiling

I just came from a 9w5d ultrasound it the little ones are both measuring at 10w0d!! The heartbeats are 150 and 176 and I even got to hear them. That was incredible. While finding out that everything is progressing perfectly was the highlight, I am almost equally ecstatic that the ultrasound was NOT vaginal. Let me repeat (scream from the roof), NOT vaginal. How awesome is that!!?? Seriously, I have had that lubricated wand inserted in me so many times over the last few years.

So, needless to say, I am feeling a rush of relief and renewed hope. I had an appointment at the OBGYN on Monday but it was uneventful. They just gave me the do's and dont's, etc. But, happily, they scheduled me for the ultrasound today. I'm leaving tomorrow morning for a 10-day trip to Italy (!) so I will be offline. .When we come back, I have an ultrasound and genetic screening at 12w2d. If that all goes well, we'll start sharing the news (we still haven't told our parents, etc.).

I'm obviously pumped for the trip. When we planned the trip, I was planning on drinking large quantities of italian wine, but that's not going to happen. I will however be eating a TON of pasta and pizza. And, I am very excited to get lots of sleep and live life at a leisurely pace. I would really love my morning sickness to abate a little (of course, if it does, I'll probably freak out).

So, arrivederci, ciao, etc.!! I hope when I return there is lots of good news to catch up on.

Guilt & Hope

Hello ICLWers!

I am behind in posting this and in commenting this month. I have full-on morning sickness (this is a happy thing) and there are many hours of the day in which I just can't seem to get off the couch. So, while I'm feeling good this morning, I'm going to blog away.

I'm currently 9w1d pregnant with twins from an IUI cycle! This is a miracle to me because we've been trying for years and have had failed IVF's, miscarriages, etc.

There's two things on my mind today.

1. It feels weird to write positive posts about being pregnant. I know I "deserve" to be where I am. I know it's "my time". But, I can't help feeling guilty about it when there are still so many others struggling. I know others are happy for me, but I feel like I might be adding just a little pain and hurt to those who are still trying - and that kills me. I want to provide hope and not sadness, but I know for me, it was always bittersweet to hear about pregnancies (not just sweet). So, I'm not apologizing, but I'm acknowledging my guilt.

2. I'm still very nervous. In some ways, I feel like our chances are getting really good and in just a few short weeks we'll be past the "danger zone". But, I continue to doubt that this is really going to work. I am holding back on my happiness. I have now told a couple very close friends about the pregnancy and one of them was so happy she was screaming and tearing up. I realized that she was experiencing a more pure, uninhibited joy than I feel. But, I just can't get there yet. My other friend starting asking me all sorts of questions about the delivery, child-care, etc., and I also can't possibly think about that stuff yet. All I can think about is getting through the next few weeks. Day by day.....

Ok, now to the commenting...

A Happy Ultrasound

I reached another milestone yesterday - a happy ultrasound visit!! I didn't hear "there's no heartbeat" or "there's no reason to worry ...yet". Instead, I heard the word "perfect" several times and saw many smiles from the three medical professionals in the room. It felt surreal. I don't even remember half of what went on because I felt like I was in a dream. Luckily, the ultrasound pictures captured all the details.

It appears the twins are in a neck and neck competition to be "ahead". One was 19mm and the other is 20mm, and they both had a heartrate of 176. I already love them so much and am just hoping and praying they continue to grow. The days are still going by very slowly but our confidence and excitement level is increasing. I still can't help thinking about stories of miscarriages at 10 and 12 weeks, but I know that with each good visit, my chances improve.

With that ultrasound, I have "graduated" from the RE's office. I have my first OBGYN appointment on Monday so I'll get a little more info then (they are not planning to do an ultrasound but will listen for the heartbeats).

Otherwise, I'm just trying to take it day by day, finding comfort in McDonald's french fries, jelly bellies, and such. I feel so blessed to be at this point.

I Puked

The morning sickness is in full force. For the first time, I prayed to the porcelain gods (i.e. threw up) last night. It was nasty and I felt awful before, during and after. But, for this long-time infertile, it was like reaching a milestone. A part of me is actually happy about it. But I have to say, I think once is enough.

I'm looking forward to a weekend of rest. I'm going to try and get a few errands done, but mostly I'll be lounging. Today = 8 weeks.

Make the Days Go Faster Please!

The days are going by ever so slowly. Today I am 7w3d pregnant. That means it's been a little over 3 weeks since I found out about this pregnancy but it seems like it's been an eternity! I feel like if I can make it to 10 weeks I'll start to relax a bit (famous last words!), but that still feels so far away.

Physically, I feel pretty darn awful. I basically feel hungover almost all the time (I don't get headaches when I'm hungover, I just feel tired, awful and like I might puke). It's been tough to get through a few days at work. And, I night I just look forward to sleeping. I am craving salt, grease and junk food - give me nachos, pizza and french fries. So far tonight I've had chips and queso with a side of strawberries :) I read that it's common to put on a decent amount of weight in the 1st trimester of a twin pregnancy. I might be on the way with my choice of diet these days... In any case, I am NOT complaining. I would not trade it for the world.

Emotionally, I am up and down. I overanalyze my symptoms (e.g. i'm not peeing as much anymore! I feel a little less sick! Are my boobs really bigger or am I just imagining it!). There are certain moments where I am just gripped by fear. If I miscarry...

• The emptiness will be so vast that I'll be lost
  
• I won't be able to look my husband in the eyes
• I have no idea what our next steps will be but this may be the end of our efforts to conceive with our own DNA
  
• I'll become even more bitter and isolated than I've already become
  

I know I shouldn't focus on this stuff but how can I not? How can I be optimistic when nothing about infertility or pregnancy has gone right for us in the last 4 years? I'm trying. I really am. I am excited and hopeful but I am terrified of the next few weeks.

Twins It Is

That's right. We saw two little heartbeats at our 6w3d ultrasound today. And, our estimated due date was confirmed as Christmas Day. Needless to say, we are overjoyed. Would I rather have one than two? Yes. Would I pick Christmas Day as my due date? No. But, wow, am I smiling inside. What a blessing.

I have been so nervous in the recent days and weeks. When I put my legs up on the stirrups today, they were shaking like crazy. Then, I couldn't see the screen so I just watched the Dr's face which showed no sign of emotion. However, when he said, "are you ready for this?", I knew it was twins.

The stats on the little guys:
#1 - 5mm CRL, heartrate = 127
#2 - 5mm CRL, heartrate = 114

I am just in a state of wonder that two eggs/embryos have made it to this point. We've done IVF twice and of over 20 embryos (9 blasts) only one has made it this far. Not to mention how many other cycles we've done over the last 4 years. The "odds" just don't make any sense - but I'm not complaining.

So, now we wait another 2 weeks until the next u/s. I have been hit by morning sickness pretty hard. I felt truly awful yesterday and am really starting to favor junk food.

We're still not going to share this with folks IRL. We're still just too scared to get others' hopes up. We made it to a HB with our first pregnancy before the loss, and so I most definitely do not feel "out of the woods". I just really need to focus on taking it day by day and not thinking about what will happen if we lose these little miracles. I just don't know what I would do. I don't even know what path we would take knowing that we had lost 4 babies....

Thanks to all of you for your support. I noticed that I've lost a few followers in the last week. I'm guessing that's because I'm pregnant, and hopefully not because I wrote something offensive. It feels kind of sad to lose followers but I completely get it. But, for those of you still following - please stick around for the first trimester if you can - I feel like I have a long way to go.

Waiting

I've been thinking about what to write in the post and I can't come up with anything coherent. The days are passing ever so slowly. I'm incredibly thankful and happy to be pregnant, but I am feeling so, so cautious.

Our trip to NYC was a good one. We went to the wedding of a very good friend of my husband. I love weddings - love seeing the bride & groom beaming, love the service, love the dancing..and typically love the cocktails as well. I didn't know many folks at this wedding and my fun factor definitely could have benefited from some booze but c'est la vie - I'm not complaining. DH told everyone that I had been sick (which is actually true), so that provided a backdrop for the no drinking and the early departures (1am was an "early" departure). I'm finally kicking this horrendous cold.

After the wedding festivities, we went out to see my brother and sister in law. She is about 25 weeks pregnant. We didn't tell them about my pregnancy. In fact, we still haven't told anyone. They had one of those "miracle" pregnancies. She is 39 and the RE's told her that she had a 1-2% chance by trying naturally, a somewhat higher chance with IUI, and that her egg count was too low for IVF. But, of course, they got pregnant naturally. As they were sharing their story, they told me how much they had endured. And, I had a very weak moment. I sort of rolled my eyes and said something to the effect of "yeah, believe me, we've had a lot worse than you". It was the jealousy speaking. They knew we'd been struggling for years and have never acknowledged that. They were supposed to have low chances and got pregnant with 8 months of starting. We haven't been diagnosed with any real issues, have been trying for 4 years and have had multiple miscarriages. I know why I reacted that way but it was the wrong thing to say and not what I meant. Nobody should have to endure any of this IF shit. And, everyone's struggle is important. That night, I woke up several times thinking about how dumb, inappropriate and insensitive my comment was. I apologized to them the next day (not that they seemed upset at the time), and they said there were no hard feelings. Ugh......

So, Monday it was back to work and I'm just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. My first u/s appointment is on Tuesday. I should be 6.5 weeks at that point. I am terrified for that appointment as this is how I have found out about non-viable pregnancies in the past. These days are going slowly....but this weekend I'm going to a yoga retreat so I hope that will bring me some calm. I won't be trying out any crazy new poses but, once again, it will be good for me to be occupied.

Oh yeah - and Monday was my birthday. I'm 36. When I got married, we wanted to try for two kids by the time I was 35. Now we're begging the world to give us one by 37.

Double Plus

I got my RE's office to do beta #2 today (18dpo) for stat. The level was 2,034 (vs. #1 at 754). Wowza. I mapped my HCG levels on a chart and they're above the "high" line. I'm just trying to enjoy the news. However, it's taking strength on my part not to go on a googling binge about whether HCG levels can be too high. And, I'm thinking, "could it be twins?". Anyhow, I just wanted to share the news before I head off to the big apple. Our trip will keep me safely away from google for the next four days :) I'll look forward to catching up on your blogs when I get back.

Thank you all so much for your encouraging comments. It means a lot to me.

Beta #1

I went in for my first beta yesterday and had to wait until almost 5pm today to get the results.

754!!

So, plenty high. Now I just need it to double. I'll be going in tomorrow morning for #2.

Physically, this is where I'm at:

• No spotting
• A few twinges here and there
• Maybe some extra trips to the bathroom but I did not get up to pee in the middle of the night last night and it freaked me out
  
• Boobs are getting sore
• Feeling somewhat queasy and tired, but I'm still fighting this nasty cold so it's hard to read anything into that

Basically, I have no reason to worry. Well, except that I've been here twice before only to lose the baby a few weeks later. Yeah....that.

Mentally, I'm feeling ok about things. We haven't told a soul IRL. I'm just not ready to share with anyone but you guys :)

I haven't been obsessing too much although I did look at the EDD and - crazy enough it's either:

1. Based on day 1 of last cycle -> December 24th
2. Based on date of conception (i.e. IUI procedure) -> December 25th

So, if we make it, looks like a Christmas baby. What a gift that would be.

I also can't seem to resist looking a the calendar in general and thinking about important dates like ultrasounds, first trimester, etc. I just can't help thinking about it even though I don't want to get my hopes up.

I've got an acupuncture appointment tomorrow night that I'm really looking forward to. And, hopefully they'll do these beta results for STAT so I can know where things stand.

DH and I are headed to New York on Thursday morning so I may not get to check in until we get back on Monday. We're going to a wedding so it should be a fun weekend and I welcome the distraction.

OMG

I am 15DPO and also suffering a terrible cold. I haven't been taking any cold medicine because of the possibility of being pregnant. So, for some reason, I decided that last night I would take an OPK in the middle of the night. If it was negative, I was going to load up on nighttime cold medicine. If it was positive, well then great. So, around 2am I POAS and voila, a "plus" quickly appeared. The vertical line was noticeably darker than the horizontal one. OMG!! OMG!! I woke up my husband and hugged him and said "guess what?". He knew. And, he could feel my heart beating a million miles per minute.

It's so exciting and amazing, but so scary. I don't think I can suffer another loss. My parents are visiting but I just can't bring myself to tell them. I can't bear to drag them through another roller coaster. I'm nervous it's just a chemical pregnancy and my hopes will be dashed within days. I'm terrified of making it to an u/s and being told, for the third time, that "it's over".

I know that I just need to take it day by day and it's basically out of my control. But, as we all know, that's easier said than done. I left a message at my RE's office, so hopefully I'll get the betas done Monday and Wednesday. Please keep everything crossed for me. My birthday is a week from Monday and I need this gift...it was 4 years ago that we started this quest. Please let this be the year.

IUI

This IUI cycle is going better than the last one but, per my last post, I just can't muster up much hope. We went in on CD12, and my lining was looking quite thin at 5mm. I was concerned. But, when we did the IUI procedure on CD15 my lining was 8mm. Better. And, DH's motile sperm count was much better than last month (23mm vs. 9mm). I had two lovely follicles in there. The Dr. (and not the mean one I had last month!) sounded optimistic and for a moment I felt it too. But, then I thought about how many times everything has looked perfect (and with higher odds) and we haven't had success.

So, we wait. Again. Today is CD19.

As usual, I'm so looking forward to the weekend. Some friends are taking us to the ballet on Friday night and we're going to do a bike ride on Saturday.

Bored

I'm feeling "bored" with infertility. I'm just so over it. Give me a new challenge because I suck at this one.

We've been TTC for four years. This is ridiculous.*

As we go through this IUI, it just seems like were going through the motions. In my gut, I just feel that it's not going to work. And, this doesn't feel particularly upsetting. It just feels realistic. I've been feeling more annoyed about the time, money and effort involved than sad about the fact that a baby is not in our future.

I've assimilated to the fact that my relationships with most of my friends is forever changed. I'm totally comfortable saying no to baby showers, 1st birthday parties, etc. I've learned to avoid the most painful infertility "triggers". I have an "edge" that I didn't used to, but that's ok. The emptiness, bitterness, pain, sadness, and loneliness (and hope?) are all still there, but they are contained (usually). I am thankful for so many great things in my life.

I know that in time I'll feel differently than I do now. Even though the TTC goal is a constant, nothing else about IF is. For now, I'll just enjoy the break from tears, overanalysis, etc.

I'm wishing everyone a wonderful weekend and Easter. I have my IUI procedure today and will send out an update on that before too long.

*I know there are those out there who have been trying for longer and have endured more.

Spring

Hello and welcome ICLWers. It feels like Spring here in San Francisco! I've had a good weekend - a little time outside, exercise, basketball, sleep, acupuncture and even getting my tax stuff together. But, I'm not pregnant. CD1 was Friday. It hasn't been to tough to process given that this cycle seemed to be doomed (i.e. thin uterine lining, low sperm count on top of the fact that even when things are normally perfect we've been trying to conceive for about 4 years now). So, it's on to the next cycle. We'll be doing letrazole/femara + IUI this go around. We did Clomid last month and my RE thinks that may have caused the thin lining. I did 3 cycles of letrazole 2.5 years ago, including one with IUI, and it didn't work. So, it feels we are just going through the motions. But, maybe the stars will align for us. Oh, please!!

I'm going through one of my "I need to do more things to make my body healthy" phases. My acupuncturist gave me a bunch of food recommendations which I will try to incorporate into my diet. Some of them are easy to do, like eating more meat and fresh vegetables. Some are a little harder, like eating blue-green algae and longan fruit! I don't think I've talked much about acupuncture on this blog but I absolutely love it. I find it incredibly relaxing, and fall asleep pretty much every time.

Now...something I don't absolutely love is friends giving me "IF cures" they've heard of. We all know how this goes and that it is usually driven by good intentions, but it is just not what we need. On my ski trip with girlfriends last weekend, one friend told me that she heard cutting gluten out of the diet can lead to pregnancy and another told me that she heard regressive therapy can help. I'm not totally sure I understand regressive therapy but it is something about unearthing latent memories that may be creating blockages of some kind. Again, I know these friends were only trying to help, but hearing these things makes it seem like I'm NOT doing enough. They don't understand how much we have tried and how many possible "random" ideas people have out there! I know that other people beat IF all the time, in a variety of ways. But, I'm still trying to find my way. Despite these comments, the two friends who made these comments were really sweet and supportive in everything else they said. Having shared my struggles with a number of friends, I really appreciate the one who "check in" on me, as opposed to the ones who never bring it up.

I'm wishing you all a very happy & FERTILE spring!!

CD27

It's CD 27 and I absolutely hate this time of the month. I'm feeling vulnerable and insecure. I'm feeling hope and dread. I know I will feel better in a few days, even if I get a BFN. I'm not feeling any "signs". My previous BFP's were preceded by a bunch of cramping and I don't feel any of that. So, I wait for the final evidence...

On a positive note, I finally have some resolution on my former post, A Lost Friendship . Thanks to all of you for your comments on that one. You inspired me to deal with the issue directly. I wrote her an honest letter (it took a few drafts to get the right tone), and we had good talk a few days later. It felt so good to "clear the air", as I see her everyday and didn't like the resentment I felt. A favorite quote of mine - "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." It's so true, but it's hard not to resent sometimes, especially when you're infertile.

DH is off to a bachelor party this weekend and so I'll be flying solo here. I usually like some "alone time", but right now it doesn't sound that appealing. In any case, I'm sure I'll keep myself busy!

Olympics

As promised, here's a little recap of our Olympic adventure. We spent 4 days in Vancouver and saw 4 events - short tracking skating, men's ski aerials and 2 hockey games. Vancouver is an awesome town. There are tons of cute neighborhoods, a great public transportation system, lots of fun places to go out for food & drinks, and it's beautiful. It was fairly rainy the whole time we were there so we didn't do quite as much walking as we normally do when exploring a city. But, we visited some of the cool public markets, took a ferry and hung out amidst all the crazy Canadian fans. I loved being so close to the Olympic spirit. It was fun to see fans from countries all over the world. We bought a big American flag to cheer at all the events. The Canadian fans had so much spirit and so many costumes too! Of course, seeing the athletes in action was incredible - not only their athletic abilities but their mental stamina.

Here's a few shots.

Apolo Ohno at the start of the 500m prelims. He looked smooth...



I developed some love for the Olympic mascots - Quatchi (my favorite and the one in the middle), Sumi & Miga.


The Olympic torch. You could wait in line for an hour to get a "better" view, but we skipped that part.


The U.S. completely dominating Finland in the semi-final hockey game. It was 6-0 after 13 minutes! My husband was in a state of bliss.


Jeret "Speedy" Peterson getting the Silver medal in the men's aerials after he successfully landed "the Hurricane" - 3 flips, 5 twists - CRAZY stuff.


Overall, an excellent time. Happy Sunday to all.

IUI Not Good

I'm sorry to report that today's IUI sucked.

1. The procedure started over 45 minutes late.

2. The Dr. that did my procedure (not my primary Dr. at the clinic) has a crappy bedside manner, which aggravated all of the following.

3. The sperm sample was an all time worst for us. Motility was around 20% and it's typically been right around 50%. And, the overall sperm count was a little less than 10mm, when "normal" is 40mm or more. I'm looking at previous reports and the numbers have never been below 40mm. To make matters worst, the Dr. reported this in passing....like, "btw, your sperm sample sucks". We were in a bit of disbelief.

4. I asked her if they were going to look at my lining again given that it was so thin on Sunday. She said that it wouldn't really matter because it wouldn't change this protocol and my primary Dr. is going to change next month's plan anyway. It seemed like she thought this cycle was a bust already. So why did we spend the money and go through with the procedure?

5. My husband got really angry and upset about the test results and that just made things more stressful.

6. I asked her a few other questions and she was just not nice about them. Not comforting. Not helpful. As I laid back on the table I just tried not to cry.

So, ugh. Not fun and not what I had hoped for. I just can't handle much more of this stuff. I already want to go back to my old Dr. but I need to stick it out at this clinic for awhile.

I promise a more upbeat report (olympics, etc.) soon!

Getting back into the swing of blogging

This is the first time I've looked at blogs in a week or so. I feel so in the dark about what's going on with everyone. I'll be getting caught up over the rest of the week.

I'm back from a ski trip followed by our trip to Vancouver for the Olympics. It was so great. I will post some pictures and commentary this weekend.

Our IUI procedure is tomorrow (CD15). I had an U/S on Sunday and while I had two large follicles my lining sucked at 5mm. I have probably had at least a dozen mid-cycle ultrasounds over the years and my lining has never been less than 7mm, so WTF? It may just confirm that me and Clomid are not friends (the last and only time I took it was 3 years ago and I had a messed up cycle and leftover cysts that lasted for months). Anyway, we're going ahead with things so keep your fingers crossed! I'm feeling extremely sane right now but I'm sure that will change during the 2WW.

A week or so I got my first mammogram. My Dr. wanted me to do it because there is some elevated risk of breast cancer if you've had miscarriages but not a live birth and are 35 (or something like that). I went into it having heard about how they smash your boobs like pancakes and expected it to be uncomfortable. And, it was. As the technician was wrestling my breast into the ideal position I could not help but say out loud..."oh....wow".. it hurts! Anyway, everything looked good. So, I got that going for me.

Looking out towards these next few weeks, I'm wishing for some calm and work and at home. Work has been too busy lately. And, DH and I have been dealing with stupid but stressful issues such as - we lost our passports and had to figure out and pay for last-minute ones to get to Canada - we're having car problems - we got a new washer/dryer installed but the installers created a gas leak - etc. Make it stop. Infertility is enough stress. So, here's to a March filled with fun, laziness and good karma.

Saying Hello

Yes, I've still been pretty M.I.A. from blogging. I've been a sparse commenter and didn't even sign up for ICLW this month because I'll be out of town for most of the commenting time. But, know that I'm thinking of you all.

AF unexpectedly arrived today - 3 days early and w/o cramps. So, clomid + IUI here we come. I don't know how I'm feeling about our prospects. It's hard to hope, but of course it's there. Even though I've been doing a pretty good job of not obsessing about IF this past month, it hasn't been easy. My husband has been really down and angry, and it's been tough. I really hope he can come out of it and return to being "my rock". Work has been really stressful too. Breathing deeply....

On the bright side, I recently had my first real-world contact with a fellow blogger. Melissa at Banking on It is just awesome, and it was really nice to sit down and vent about all this stuff!

Also, I got two Beautiful Blogger awards thanks to Melissa (just mentioned) and Jessica at Journey to the Center of the Uterus. Thank you!! These women are both incredible and have helped me so much.

So, seven "interesting" things:

1. I just love cheese. I love high-end cheeses like Abbaye de Belloc or a good triple creme, but I also love that cheap orange processed cheese that they put on stadium nachos. Yumm... But, I don't like Brie.

2. I had a cat named Thesis growing up. My parents both have a PhD in Chemistry and when I finally learned what that word meant (i.e. that it wasn't a typical pet name), I realized how nerdy it was.

3. Alice (my profile name) is my middle name .. I'm so stealth! My first name starts with an L...

4. I do not have a green thumb. Please do not send me any plants. I will kill them.

5. I am an only child. More pressure to pass on the genes....

6. I was clinically depressed in high school and borderline suicidal. Even though dealing with IF for years has been hard, I've never approached the darkness I felt then.

7. I'd pick Jack over Sawyer on Lost.

I am not going to pick 7 more people today (REALLY tired right now..) but so love learning more about all of you!

Bitter But Headed for Vancouver

I feel like I've been neglecting the bloggy world lately. I guess I'm trying to distance myself from IF this month. Next month we're doing Clomid+IUI and so we have one more natural cycle to try. I decided not to even do OPK's this month. I went back and forth. In the end, I feel like I know my "window" well enough to figure out when we need to get it done in the sack! And, I feel like the 2WW is a little easier when I don't know exactly when it ends. And, my life just feels a little less ruled by IF. I should be ovulating any day now though.

Last week, we found out that another one of our friend's is pregnant with #2. I found out about an hour before I went to my RE's office for my saline sonogram. First, I paid the $600 charge because I have zero coverage now. Then, the Dr. probed around with one speculum for awhile until she gave up. Then, she put in a new one and fumbled her way in. It wasn't THAT bad compared to everything I've done. But, it was uncomfortable and rather painful at times. And, of course the answer was "everything looks good! you can check that off your list". My unspoken response was "of course it looks good but where the hell is my baby?". When I told my husband he said, "we've checked off everything on a very long list except the box that says baby". Anyway, the whole experience just made me feel bitter. I have friends overjoyed to hear that #2 is on the way and meanwhile I'm paying $600 for someone to probe my lady parts and tell me everything looks ok when it's not ok.

Then, a couple days ago, a close friend of mine had a baby. I was supposed to be just a few weeks behind her with my last pregnancy. That loss seems so far away that I'm not even emotional about it. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

This posts sounds kind of negative, but I'm actually feeling relatively good. Being bitter here and there sure beats crying on a regular basis. We have to relish in these small IF victories!

My husband and I booked a short trip to the Olympics at the end of the month and I am VERY excited about that. Maybe I'll be more fertile in Canada?

Freedom!

Thank you to everyone for your comments on my last couple posts. I continue to be amazed by this blogging community.

One of the other things I talked about last week with my new RE is lifestyle and specifically three of my loves - coffee, alcohol and exercise. I breathed a sigh of relief when she said everything is fine in moderation.

I know it should be easy for me to give up my morning latte and my evening glass of wine, but it's not. I've given them up for a few weeks or a few months here and there over the last few years. And, I'd be happy to do it again if I knew it would work...or I thought it would work...or someone told me it would work. But, when I'm years into this battle and the timeline seems infinite, giving up these little pleasures just stresses me out. And, in my heart, I really don't believe they are the problem. So, I'm glad I got the green light to continue to enjoy these small comforts. HOWEVER, I think I'll always feel a little bit of guilt, no matter how many people tell me it's ok. I can't win either way!

As for exercise, she said that working out regularly is fine. She even encouraged me to do some non-impact exercise during an IVF cycle! So, I've started running more again in addition to the yoga I've been doing recently. I'm planning to do a triathlon and marathon in the fall...not really moderate, but if I get to that point and I'm still not pregnant, I'm going to need a release. For now, I'm just excited to be able to "pick up the pace" a bit. One of my pet peeves is that several of our friends that know about our IF struggles, have told me or DH that I need to work out less. They inevitably have some story about someone they know that gave up exercise and got pregnant...blah, blah, blah. Needless to say, this always pisses me off because they know nothing about our specific situation and usually very little about IF in general. I have never had problem getting my period or ovulating. I am really health and balanced. And, exercise is a huge stress-reliever for me. Not to mention that the conception of my last pregnancy (natural cycle), occurred the weekend I did the Escape from Alcatraz triathlon! Can you tell I'm defensive about this topic?

Anyway, I'm just glad that, as I go into these next cycles, I don't have to change my lifestyle significantly.

In other news, we went on the ski trip from hell this weekend. DH and I were planning to go to Tahoe for both days but then he decided we should only go Saturday because he wanted to devote his energy to the NFL playoffs. He is a HUGE Vikings fan (ugh...tough loss). Anyway, we decided to just go up Saturday. We have a small car and the weather was stormy so we decided to take a "ski bus". I figured we could sleep on the bus and it could plow through the bad weather. Oh, how wrong I was. We left at 4am and by 7:30am we were about an hour from the resort. The bus put on chains and that took an hour. Shouldn't a ski bus be faster than that? Then, we started slipping with the chains and the highway patrol made us pull over until they gave us the green light....which happened over 3 hours later. We were literally sitting on the side of the road for HOURS. We finally arrived at the ski resort after 1pm and made it to the lift by 2pm. I admit that the 2 hours of skiing were excellent, but then it was time to turn around and go home. 14 hours of driving and 2 hours of skiing. Never, never again. Oh well.

Next step on the fertility front....saline sonogram of my uterus sometime in the next week. Can't wait for that....

A Fresh Perspective Goes A Long Way

Hello to ICLW folks...If you're new to my blog, "welcome and thanks for stopping by". I'm going to skip overview of me (you can see a little to the side or read my previous posts), and just go straight to what's on my mind...

This week I had an appointment with a new RE (I've been seeing my old RE for three years). I was really nervous about the appointment (i.e. worried getting sad or flustered), but I left with my spirits raised. She was very kind and knowledgeable. More importantly, she was decisive and optimistic. There is something about a "fresh start" that makes me feel more hopeful.

Overall, she says she is not that worried about my egg quality, whereas my old RE seems quite concerned. She thinks I'm young enough and my other test results look good. And, she reminded me that I have a 75-80% of carrying my next pregnancy to full term. The odds are still on my side if I can get pregnant again. I did it once in 2008, and once in 2009 ....

After reviewing my previous IVF cycles, she wants to do things a bit differently. She wants to do the transfer on day 3 rather than day 5. This is because we tend to have lots of top quality embryos on day 3 and only a few on day 5. She said some people's embryos don't do as well in the lab, and the lab is not as good as the body. I like this idea because it will probably mean there are more embies to freeze for FET, which is so much easier than a fresh cycle. She also wants to go a little easier on the stimulation and aim for 10-12 eggs rather than close to 20. She thinks by pushing as hard as we did on the ovaries/eggs, my eggs and body were not in peak form (this is my lame attempt at a much more scientific explanation).

I'm very willing to try this new IVF protocol. But, first, here's the kicker, she wants me to go back to Clomid + IUI for three cycles. It seems funny that in my fourth year of trying (I am a veteran people!), I'm back to "basics". But, I understand her rationale. After my natural pregnancy last summer, it shows my tubes, etc. work so IVF shouldn't necessarily be required. And, I only did one IUI (with follistim) before IVF. And, I only tried Clomid one cycle. But, I am skeptical of taking Clomid. The one time I took it, I ended up developing ovarian cysts that lasted for like 4 months. I never wanted to try it again because it delayed the process. And, my old RE always said we could skip it. But, I talked to her about this and she still wants to try. So, in the spirit of exhausting all our options, we'll give it another go.

So, we'll start a Clomid-IUI cycle in a month. In the meantime, I'm going to get a few more tests, but nothing too invasive.

Oh, and I'll just bury this in here, I'm not pregnant per HPT today. But, I was already moving on...

So, I look at the new plan on paper, and I see what is sure to be no fun at all. I see that I am sort of stepping backwards in terms of protocols and wonder how Clomid will work when the "big guns" have failed. I know that despite the new RE's optimism, this is not going to be easy. I remember how many times I've been disappointed and crushed throughout this process and how it's likely to continue. I know all this yet I feel hopeful. And, that counts for something, right?

A Lost Friendship

Many of my friendships have suffered as a result of my struggles with infertility. But, the state of one of my friendships is particularly troubling to me. I will refer to her as L.

I met L about 11 years ago when I was 24. She was 32 and married. We would go out with a group of girlfriends and have a grand old time. We would talk about our careers, men, sex, fashion, food and all sorts of things. At the time, I was in relationship, but marriage and especially kids were far, far from my consciousness.

As the years went by, the kid thing started to enter my radar screen. And, by the time I was 29, it kind of donned on me that L didn't have kids yet. And, I learned that she was having trouble getting pregnant. I didn't really do anything with this knowledge. Basically, I just never brought it up. Frankly, I was kind of scared of the topic. I'm not sure why, but talking about having kids was always a very private, difficult to talk about subject for me. And, for some reason, I always thought I might have hard time getting pregnant. I now regret not supporting her more during this time.

A few years later, I got hired at L's company. And, we starting working (and still do) in very close proximity, on an open trading floor. At this point, I was engaged and had started to think about having kids. And, L was still not pregnant. I continued to be fearful of raising the topic but a few times she mentioned she had been trying for many years and all I could offer was "I'm sorry". At another point she told me that she had been able to get pregnant but had had multiple miscarriages. Again, I had few words to offer. On top of this, her marriage was falling apart (this is something we did talk about at length), partly due to the infertility struggles. And, she ended up getting divorced at age 39. I can't imagine having dealing with infertility and a strained marriage (thank you DH!). She had been through so much.

The good news is, she soon met someone else and got pregnant (naturally) a few months into her 40s. By this time, I was a year or so into the "trying" phase. Even though it stung to see another friend pregnant, I felt so happy for her given her past. I shared this with her and confided in her about my struggles. She was understanding and said she was "there if I needed her". A few times over the next year or so, I shared things such as when I started an IVF cycle and the pain I felt after my first miscarriage. She had some nice and empathetic words for me. But, there was never any follow up. It's now a year and half later and she provides almost no support for me on the IF front. She never even asks if we're doing ok. We'll be in a private place and she'll ask me about some random work thing or whatever. I didn't tell her about my last miscarriage.

This hurts beyond belief. Some days, I am simmering with anger when I see her at work, thinking that she is really not a friend. I admit that when she was going through it all, I was far, far from the friend I should have been. But, I was ignorant. I don't understand how someone that has gone through it would not help another. IF has made me more compassionate and understanding of other going through IF or really any difficult life challenge (e.g. loss of a parent, difficult marriage, etc.). I've learned to be a better listener. I've learned not to shy away from difficult topics with friends as this is what most people do and it's really easy to feel alone. I feel that anyone who goes through multiple years of infertility and multiple miscarriage should have a special bond. But, L and I have only grown apart.

Infertility is a very private matter. And, I shouldn't judge others for how they deal with it. All of us are just trying to make the most of the crappy hand that we've been dealt. But, I still fixate on reasons why L behaves like this:

1. Maybe she was really hurt that I wasn't a better friend during her struggles (again, justified but it's different)
2. Maybe she really hated sharing and talking about her own issues and figures I want to be as private as possible. However, I've opened my heart to her a few times so I feel like she should know I need her.
3. Maybe it's too painful for her to revisit the subject. She needs to move onto her "new life".

Whatever the case, I feel like L is no longer a friend. And, I want to tell her that. But, because we work in the same room everyday, I don't think I can. I've thought about having a heart to heart with her or writing her a letter, but again, I am worried about the fallout and the work situation. So, I'm writing it here, hoping this will help get it off my chest a bit.

Stay Away Ms. Crazy

I'm on CD18 (5DPO). I decided take progesterone supplement (prometrium) this cycle, and I'm also ingesting all sorts of tasty (or not so much) herbs from my acupuncturist. So far, this 2WW hasn't turned me into Ms. Crazy, but that will probably start in another 5 days or so.

We also have our appointment with the new RE next week. I'm nervous. It's going to be hard to open myself up to someone new. For some reason, I lose all my confidence in front of Dr.'s. I get shy and sad exactly when I don't want to. I'm scared she won't have compassion. I'm worried she will be stumped by our case. I'm dreading going back into managed cycles, even though I want to move this train forward. Since I'm concerned about falling apart at the appointment, I wrote up a 1-page summary of us including questions and thoughts at the top of my mind. I hope it helps.

Anyhow, all in all, I'm feeling alright. So, what else is going on with me?

• I got my hair straightened this weekend. I have sort of curly/frizzy hair and now it is straight and smooth. I just wake up and brush it. So exciting. Maybe my curly hair has been preventing me from getting pregnant? This must be it....
• I never made any 2010 resolutions. Usually I do, but it just didn't happen. I think all the little things I try and do seem kind of meaningless compared to the big picture. And, "have a baby" doesn't work as a resolution.
• The newest season of the Bachelor is on, and what a title: "The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love". The whole show is redonkulous, but I am already addicted. As far as Jake goes, he's not my favorite. He's definitely a little too nice (Yes, I don't like people that are too nice), and he needs to keep his shirt on more often. Yes, he has a nice body, but it's clear that the season is going to be filled with gratuitous shots.
• I'm focused on fun trips in the coming year. There is going to be some skiing, maybe a yoga/surf retreat, and some sort of international trip (portugal and african safari are currently under consideration). Of course, I just want to get pregnant and eat bon bons this year...but god know I can't assume that's going to happen.
• I want it to rain more! Yes, it's strange. Maybe it's the Oregon girl in me.

Nothing too exciting here...but boring can be good.

Once again, it looks good

I went to get a mid-cycle u/s at my RE's office today. I haven't had one in about 10 months (I did IVF FET last March, followed by laparoscopy followed by pregnancy, miscarriage, pregnancy, miscarriage and then a few months of naturally trying) and I wanted to make sure everything appears to be ok. And, as usual, it does. It's always kind of encouraging when my uterine lining looks good and my egg count looks high. My RE said that if he was looking at me for the first time he would never think that egg quality was an issue because my count is average to above average. I'm on CD11 and he said the follicle on my right side looks ready to go and he expects that I'll ovulate very soon. He did say that the follicle was large for day 11 and an early surge (short first part of cycle) could be a sign of low egg quality. Anyway, bottom line is that everything looks good. But, I know looks can be deceiving. I pretty much always get an A on these tests. And, obviously I've got issues.

I also talked to him about taking progesterone supplements. My acupuncturist thinks I exhibit some signs of a deficiency. Me RE says diagnosing one is basically impossible but he has no problem with me taking some in the latter part of my cycle. I'm not sure if I should do it or not. I am grasping at straws.

Anyway, I guess it's time to give it another go. We still have our "second opinion" appointment on 1/19.

In other news, I stayed home from work today due to a cold. I've been feeling pretty crappy and while I could have suffered through the day at work, I just wasn't up to it. I've been able to get some cleaning, organizing, christmas undecorating, etc. done today and it's making me feel more ready to start the new year.