I'm feeling "bored" with infertility. I'm just so over it. Give me a new challenge because I suck at this one.
We've been TTC for four years. This is ridiculous.*
As we go through this IUI, it just seems like were going through the motions. In my gut, I just feel that it's not going to work. And, this doesn't feel particularly upsetting. It just feels realistic. I've been feeling more annoyed about the time, money and effort involved than sad about the fact that a baby is not in our future.
I've assimilated to the fact that my relationships with most of my friends is forever changed. I'm totally comfortable saying no to baby showers, 1st birthday parties, etc. I've learned to avoid the most painful infertility "triggers". I have an "edge" that I didn't used to, but that's ok. The emptiness, bitterness, pain, sadness, and loneliness (and hope?) are all still there, but they are contained (usually). I am thankful for so many great things in my life.
I know that in time I'll feel differently than I do now. Even though the TTC goal is a constant, nothing else about IF is. For now, I'll just enjoy the break from tears, overanalysis, etc.
I'm wishing everyone a wonderful weekend and Easter. I have my IUI procedure today and will send out an update on that before too long.
*I know there are those out there who have been trying for longer and have endured more.