I'm feeling "bored" with infertility. I'm just so over it. Give me a new challenge because I suck at this one.
We've been TTC for four years. This is ridiculous.*
As we go through this IUI, it just seems like were going through the motions. In my gut, I just feel that it's not going to work. And, this doesn't feel particularly upsetting. It just feels realistic. I've been feeling more annoyed about the time, money and effort involved than sad about the fact that a baby is not in our future.
I've assimilated to the fact that my relationships with most of my friends is forever changed. I'm totally comfortable saying no to baby showers, 1st birthday parties, etc. I've learned to avoid the most painful infertility "triggers". I have an "edge" that I didn't used to, but that's ok. The emptiness, bitterness, pain, sadness, and loneliness (and hope?) are all still there, but they are contained (usually). I am thankful for so many great things in my life.
I know that in time I'll feel differently than I do now. Even though the TTC goal is a constant, nothing else about IF is. For now, I'll just enjoy the break from tears, overanalysis, etc.
I'm wishing everyone a wonderful weekend and Easter. I have my IUI procedure today and will send out an update on that before too long.
*I know there are those out there who have been trying for longer and have endured more.
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I wish you the best of luck with your IUI today. I hope that after four years, you get that sticky bean.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to qualify your feelings darling. Others have tried longer and endured more, but your feelings are your feelings---and this here blog...this is YOUR space to vent.
ReplyDeleteThinking happy sticky thoughts! Happy Easter!
No disclaimer necessary Alice. There's always someone out there who's had it harder, but that shouldn't disqualify your struggle. Or any of ours for that matter. THIS IS HARD, and it sucks for all of us. Period.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes with your IUI. Can't wait to hear how it goes. I know you can't make it to dinner next week, but maybe we can grab coffee again soon.
Thinking of you.
I know the feeling of just going through the motions. I do hope and pray that the IUI will be successful!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely don't feel like you have to put disclaimers on your blog (although I'm guilty of it too after having some nasty anon. comments at one point). You have been through enough.
ReplyDeleteI feel that 'edge' too. I guess it had to happen. But yet you remain thankful for the good things in your life, and in the end, it's all we can do.
Please don't feel like you need to add a disclaimer to your post. We've all been through the trenches and we've all suffered equally the emotional, physical, and mental pain that IF causes. I just hope last week's IUI was a huge success so you don't have to go through this anymore.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about being bored and going through the motions, thinking it isn't going to work. Four years is a long time. It's hard.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck for your IUI.
Sorry this is a little late in coming.. but I know what you mean! It's like, I'd like to change the tune at some point.
ReplyDeleteBTW- 4 years is nothing to sneeze at- more than most! Trying that long is its own special flavor of loss.
I too have hated the way it has affected my life, it's not something I ever bargained for... I just want to go back to the me before IF- and who is that? So yes, I can relate.
Good luck on this IUI.