Waiting

I've been thinking about what to write in the post and I can't come up with anything coherent. The days are passing ever so slowly. I'm incredibly thankful and happy to be pregnant, but I am feeling so, so cautious.

Our trip to NYC was a good one. We went to the wedding of a very good friend of my husband. I love weddings - love seeing the bride & groom beaming, love the service, love the dancing..and typically love the cocktails as well. I didn't know many folks at this wedding and my fun factor definitely could have benefited from some booze but c'est la vie - I'm not complaining. DH told everyone that I had been sick (which is actually true), so that provided a backdrop for the no drinking and the early departures (1am was an "early" departure). I'm finally kicking this horrendous cold.

After the wedding festivities, we went out to see my brother and sister in law. She is about 25 weeks pregnant. We didn't tell them about my pregnancy. In fact, we still haven't told anyone. They had one of those "miracle" pregnancies. She is 39 and the RE's told her that she had a 1-2% chance by trying naturally, a somewhat higher chance with IUI, and that her egg count was too low for IVF. But, of course, they got pregnant naturally. As they were sharing their story, they told me how much they had endured. And, I had a very weak moment. I sort of rolled my eyes and said something to the effect of "yeah, believe me, we've had a lot worse than you". It was the jealousy speaking. They knew we'd been struggling for years and have never acknowledged that. They were supposed to have low chances and got pregnant with 8 months of starting. We haven't been diagnosed with any real issues, have been trying for 4 years and have had multiple miscarriages. I know why I reacted that way but it was the wrong thing to say and not what I meant. Nobody should have to endure any of this IF shit. And, everyone's struggle is important. That night, I woke up several times thinking about how dumb, inappropriate and insensitive my comment was. I apologized to them the next day (not that they seemed upset at the time), and they said there were no hard feelings. Ugh......

So, Monday it was back to work and I'm just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. My first u/s appointment is on Tuesday. I should be 6.5 weeks at that point. I am terrified for that appointment as this is how I have found out about non-viable pregnancies in the past. These days are going slowly....but this weekend I'm going to a yoga retreat so I hope that will bring me some calm. I won't be trying out any crazy new poses but, once again, it will be good for me to be occupied.

Oh yeah - and Monday was my birthday. I'm 36. When I got married, we wanted to try for two kids by the time I was 35. Now we're begging the world to give us one by 37.