Friday, July 31, 2009


Phew - made it through another week. And, I have a five day weekend ahead of me. I'll be wine tasting tomorrow, biking Sunday and hanging out with my friend in San Diego (and her one month old adorable baby) on Monday through Wednesday. Wine, sun, surf, etc.... I need it.

I had an email exchange with my RE this week that was rather disconcerting. I told him that my leaning was to try naturally for a few months to see if it will work again. The good news is he agreed. The bad news is he said "I honestly do not know if we will have more success with IVF or IUI". Now, that is a downer. Basically, he's almost giving up on being able to help us. I guess I already knew that we were nearing the end of the IVF road. And, part of me is glad that there is an end to that road. But, it's scary.

What percentage of people can't be helped after two years of aggressive treatments? I am feeling in the minority here. I know there are many people who are in worse situations than me, but a whole bunch of people seem to "beat" IF. As I'm entering this blog world, I've been searching around different infertility blogs and so many of you are pregnant. That is so amazing and I certainly wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, but I feel like I'm joining a more an more "elite" club (as if it's a good thing).

Anyway, again, I'm so happy it's the weekend and I have been feeling relatively good overall. I've only broken down in tears a couple times this week. I'm still spotting which is annoying (go away!!). But, all in all, I'm dealing.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Friendships & Isolation

I have wonderful friends who make me laugh, inspire me and keep me grounded. And, several of my friendships have endured the test of time, as life is full of different stages, challenges and surprises. However, I feel my connectedness to my friends slipping away with each passing month and/or each disappointment I have suffered in recent years. Infertility is REALLY isolating.

I find it difficult to share the struggles I've had with fertility. I think some of it is because I usually don't get the reactions and/or support that I want. Friends often fall into these categories:
1. Clueless - Not trying and hasn't tried getting pregnant. Not all that interested and not aware of the depth of the issue.
2. Silent - After I confide in them, they never raise the issue again. Obviously they're not comfortable with the topic and probably are afraid to raise a tough issue.
3. "Just relax" - You just need to stop worrying about it and it will happen when it is time. It is not that big of a deal.
All of these reactions drive me kind of batty! But, I know that I probably wouldn't have been a great friend five years ago (I think I would have been the "silent" type). And, I know that my friends have only good intentions. So, in addition to feeling hurt by some of their behaviors, I then feel guilty for doing so. It's fun.

Despite this, I will continue to share for a few reasons:
1. I think it's important for people to know about infertility and to make the topic less taboo. Who knows if someone I confide in will have similar struggles someday or know someone else who does?
2. I have shared with a couple friends who have been absolutely amazing through all of this. They are supportive, understanding and comfortable talking about things with me. Just having a few amazing "fertility friends" makes all the difference.
3. When I don't share with people, I feel as though they really don't know me. I almost feel as if I'm being dishonest - and honesty is incredibly important to me. So, I just have to get it off my chest sometimes...even though it sometimes just leads to other frustrations.

I wish I didn't feel this isolation. I wish my friendships didn't have to become more complicated because of this. But, they have.

Saturday, July 25, 2009


Thank god the end of this week in nearing. It's hard to believe that just a week ago I was filled with hope & fear and now I'm just filled with emptiness. On Wednesday, my Dr. inserted misoprostel into my cervix to induce miscarriage. It seems to have worked because I started bleeding within six hours. And while it's been sad and gross, I'm glad I chose this method over another D&C. When I had a D&C last year, the Dr. only used local anesthetic and it sure didn't feel numb to me!! That was not a good experience.

I'm trying to focus on having fun but I really don't have the energy. I'm a doer and a planner but this loss just has me feeling unmotivated. However, I know, in time, I will start to feel better. My Dr. said that after one normal cycle, we can start trying again so that is good. The fact that I got pregnant naturally this last time makes me really eager to try again because maybe something has just "clicked" in my body. At the same time, I am pretty pessimistic that it will actually work. Before this pregnancy, I was starting to warm up to the ideas of donor eggs. I think I have energy for one more full IVF cycle in me (and not soon), but that is probably it.

I'm about to watch the Ventoux stage of the Tour de France. The Tour has been a good distraction during these past few weeks. Later, I am supposed to hang out with a friend of mine that is now 11 weeks pregnant. I have mixed feelings about this. I am obviously very envious of her and am not sure how I'll deal. Tomorrow, I'm going to an outdoor concert so that should be fun. I can tell you that wine will be a very important part of the picnic menu.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Doing a Double Today

Since I'm taking the day off from work today (I feel awful), I'll jot down a few more thoughts.

I filled in my history on the blog homepage so the major events are all there. I don't know where I'm going to go from here. Basically, I still don't know why it's so hard for me to get pregnant. Almost every test result it normal. My FSH is a little high and I have (had) mild endometriosis, but these are things that I should have "beat" via IVF. When I've had blastocytes transferred, the embryo quality has looked good to great. But, I've gotten pregnant only one out of four times, a crappy result for being < 35 (although now i am 35) and having no major issues. So, the dreaded "poor egg quality" may be the answer. BUT, this is only half the battle. I've now had two miscarriages thus getting pregnant is only part of the problem. I know that "they" say not to draw any conclusions from one or two miscarriages but it's a little hard not to. I've had the slew of blood tests related to miscarriage risks and, of course, all the test results are good.

This last miscarriage is a really tough blow. I somehow got pregnant naturally. Maybe it's because I just had some minor endometriosis removed or maybe it's because the stars aligned, but it happened. My husband and I just felt that this was one. I hope I can get pregnant again without assistance. But, what if it was a "fluke" and I'll just be "wasting time" by trying naturally for a few months?

The one good thing about finding out this pregnancy is not viable is that the waiting game is over. I have been on pins and needles these last few weeks knowing that everything was going to be wonderful or it was gonna suck. Sadly, it sucks. But, at least I know and can now get on with my non-pregnant life.

Here I Am

Where do I start?

Yesterday, at my 7-week ultrasound, I found out that I will miscarry any day now. This will be my second miscarriage in my 3+ year struggle to get pregnant. I am heartbroken and in disbelief about how hard this process is and has been.

Over the years, I have accumulated quite a bit of "baggage" related to infertility and pregnancy. I think I've done ok at keeping things in perspective and not letting the process rule my life. At the same time, the frustration, sadness and bitterness are sometimes overwhelming. And, the experience has left me feeling isolated from most of my "more fertile" friends.

I hope that this blog helps me crystallize and release some of my thoughts and connects me to others in similar predicaments. I know I am not really alone in this. I have lots of ideas running around in my head about topics to write about. And, I want to share my full history. So, stay tuned.