More Smiling

I just came from a 9w5d ultrasound it the little ones are both measuring at 10w0d!! The heartbeats are 150 and 176 and I even got to hear them. That was incredible. While finding out that everything is progressing perfectly was the highlight, I am almost equally ecstatic that the ultrasound was NOT vaginal. Let me repeat (scream from the roof), NOT vaginal. How awesome is that!!?? Seriously, I have had that lubricated wand inserted in me so many times over the last few years.

So, needless to say, I am feeling a rush of relief and renewed hope. I had an appointment at the OBGYN on Monday but it was uneventful. They just gave me the do's and dont's, etc. But, happily, they scheduled me for the ultrasound today. I'm leaving tomorrow morning for a 10-day trip to Italy (!) so I will be offline. .When we come back, I have an ultrasound and genetic screening at 12w2d. If that all goes well, we'll start sharing the news (we still haven't told our parents, etc.).

I'm obviously pumped for the trip. When we planned the trip, I was planning on drinking large quantities of italian wine, but that's not going to happen. I will however be eating a TON of pasta and pizza. And, I am very excited to get lots of sleep and live life at a leisurely pace. I would really love my morning sickness to abate a little (of course, if it does, I'll probably freak out).

So, arrivederci, ciao, etc.!! I hope when I return there is lots of good news to catch up on.

Guilt & Hope

Hello ICLWers!

I am behind in posting this and in commenting this month. I have full-on morning sickness (this is a happy thing) and there are many hours of the day in which I just can't seem to get off the couch. So, while I'm feeling good this morning, I'm going to blog away.

I'm currently 9w1d pregnant with twins from an IUI cycle! This is a miracle to me because we've been trying for years and have had failed IVF's, miscarriages, etc.

There's two things on my mind today.

1. It feels weird to write positive posts about being pregnant. I know I "deserve" to be where I am. I know it's "my time". But, I can't help feeling guilty about it when there are still so many others struggling. I know others are happy for me, but I feel like I might be adding just a little pain and hurt to those who are still trying - and that kills me. I want to provide hope and not sadness, but I know for me, it was always bittersweet to hear about pregnancies (not just sweet). So, I'm not apologizing, but I'm acknowledging my guilt.

2. I'm still very nervous. In some ways, I feel like our chances are getting really good and in just a few short weeks we'll be past the "danger zone". But, I continue to doubt that this is really going to work. I am holding back on my happiness. I have now told a couple very close friends about the pregnancy and one of them was so happy she was screaming and tearing up. I realized that she was experiencing a more pure, uninhibited joy than I feel. But, I just can't get there yet. My other friend starting asking me all sorts of questions about the delivery, child-care, etc., and I also can't possibly think about that stuff yet. All I can think about is getting through the next few weeks. Day by day.....

Ok, now to the commenting...

A Happy Ultrasound

I reached another milestone yesterday - a happy ultrasound visit!! I didn't hear "there's no heartbeat" or "there's no reason to worry ...yet". Instead, I heard the word "perfect" several times and saw many smiles from the three medical professionals in the room. It felt surreal. I don't even remember half of what went on because I felt like I was in a dream. Luckily, the ultrasound pictures captured all the details.

It appears the twins are in a neck and neck competition to be "ahead". One was 19mm and the other is 20mm, and they both had a heartrate of 176. I already love them so much and am just hoping and praying they continue to grow. The days are still going by very slowly but our confidence and excitement level is increasing. I still can't help thinking about stories of miscarriages at 10 and 12 weeks, but I know that with each good visit, my chances improve.

With that ultrasound, I have "graduated" from the RE's office. I have my first OBGYN appointment on Monday so I'll get a little more info then (they are not planning to do an ultrasound but will listen for the heartbeats).

Otherwise, I'm just trying to take it day by day, finding comfort in McDonald's french fries, jelly bellies, and such. I feel so blessed to be at this point.

I Puked

The morning sickness is in full force. For the first time, I prayed to the porcelain gods (i.e. threw up) last night. It was nasty and I felt awful before, during and after. But, for this long-time infertile, it was like reaching a milestone. A part of me is actually happy about it. But I have to say, I think once is enough.

I'm looking forward to a weekend of rest. I'm going to try and get a few errands done, but mostly I'll be lounging. Today = 8 weeks.

Make the Days Go Faster Please!

The days are going by ever so slowly. Today I am 7w3d pregnant. That means it's been a little over 3 weeks since I found out about this pregnancy but it seems like it's been an eternity! I feel like if I can make it to 10 weeks I'll start to relax a bit (famous last words!), but that still feels so far away.

Physically, I feel pretty darn awful. I basically feel hungover almost all the time (I don't get headaches when I'm hungover, I just feel tired, awful and like I might puke). It's been tough to get through a few days at work. And, I night I just look forward to sleeping. I am craving salt, grease and junk food - give me nachos, pizza and french fries. So far tonight I've had chips and queso with a side of strawberries :) I read that it's common to put on a decent amount of weight in the 1st trimester of a twin pregnancy. I might be on the way with my choice of diet these days... In any case, I am NOT complaining. I would not trade it for the world.

Emotionally, I am up and down. I overanalyze my symptoms (e.g. i'm not peeing as much anymore! I feel a little less sick! Are my boobs really bigger or am I just imagining it!). There are certain moments where I am just gripped by fear. If I miscarry...

• The emptiness will be so vast that I'll be lost
  
• I won't be able to look my husband in the eyes
• I have no idea what our next steps will be but this may be the end of our efforts to conceive with our own DNA
  
• I'll become even more bitter and isolated than I've already become
  

I know I shouldn't focus on this stuff but how can I not? How can I be optimistic when nothing about infertility or pregnancy has gone right for us in the last 4 years? I'm trying. I really am. I am excited and hopeful but I am terrified of the next few weeks.

Twins It Is

That's right. We saw two little heartbeats at our 6w3d ultrasound today. And, our estimated due date was confirmed as Christmas Day. Needless to say, we are overjoyed. Would I rather have one than two? Yes. Would I pick Christmas Day as my due date? No. But, wow, am I smiling inside. What a blessing.

I have been so nervous in the recent days and weeks. When I put my legs up on the stirrups today, they were shaking like crazy. Then, I couldn't see the screen so I just watched the Dr's face which showed no sign of emotion. However, when he said, "are you ready for this?", I knew it was twins.

The stats on the little guys:
#1 - 5mm CRL, heartrate = 127
#2 - 5mm CRL, heartrate = 114

I am just in a state of wonder that two eggs/embryos have made it to this point. We've done IVF twice and of over 20 embryos (9 blasts) only one has made it this far. Not to mention how many other cycles we've done over the last 4 years. The "odds" just don't make any sense - but I'm not complaining.

So, now we wait another 2 weeks until the next u/s. I have been hit by morning sickness pretty hard. I felt truly awful yesterday and am really starting to favor junk food.

We're still not going to share this with folks IRL. We're still just too scared to get others' hopes up. We made it to a HB with our first pregnancy before the loss, and so I most definitely do not feel "out of the woods". I just really need to focus on taking it day by day and not thinking about what will happen if we lose these little miracles. I just don't know what I would do. I don't even know what path we would take knowing that we had lost 4 babies....

Thanks to all of you for your support. I noticed that I've lost a few followers in the last week. I'm guessing that's because I'm pregnant, and hopefully not because I wrote something offensive. It feels kind of sad to lose followers but I completely get it. But, for those of you still following - please stick around for the first trimester if you can - I feel like I have a long way to go.