Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Saying Hello

Yes, I've still been pretty M.I.A. from blogging. I've been a sparse commenter and didn't even sign up for ICLW this month because I'll be out of town for most of the commenting time. But, know that I'm thinking of you all.

AF unexpectedly arrived today - 3 days early and w/o cramps. So, clomid + IUI here we come. I don't know how I'm feeling about our prospects. It's hard to hope, but of course it's there. Even though I've been doing a pretty good job of not obsessing about IF this past month, it hasn't been easy. My husband has been really down and angry, and it's been tough. I really hope he can come out of it and return to being "my rock". Work has been really stressful too. Breathing deeply....

On the bright side, I recently had my first real-world contact with a fellow blogger. Melissa at Banking on It is just awesome, and it was really nice to sit down and vent about all this stuff!

Also, I got two Beautiful Blogger awards thanks to Melissa (just mentioned) and Jessica at Journey to the Center of the Uterus. Thank you!! These women are both incredible and have helped me so much.

So, seven "interesting" things:

1. I just love cheese. I love high-end cheeses like Abbaye de Belloc or a good triple creme, but I also love that cheap orange processed cheese that they put on stadium nachos. Yumm... But, I don't like Brie.

2. I had a cat named Thesis growing up. My parents both have a PhD in Chemistry and when I finally learned what that word meant (i.e. that it wasn't a typical pet name), I realized how nerdy it was.

3. Alice (my profile name) is my middle name .. I'm so stealth! My first name starts with an L...

4. I do not have a green thumb. Please do not send me any plants. I will kill them.

5. I am an only child. More pressure to pass on the genes....

6. I was clinically depressed in high school and borderline suicidal. Even though dealing with IF for years has been hard, I've never approached the darkness I felt then.

7. I'd pick Jack over Sawyer on Lost.

I am not going to pick 7 more people today (REALLY tired right now..) but so love learning more about all of you!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Bitter But Headed for Vancouver

I feel like I've been neglecting the bloggy world lately. I guess I'm trying to distance myself from IF this month. Next month we're doing Clomid+IUI and so we have one more natural cycle to try. I decided not to even do OPK's this month. I went back and forth. In the end, I feel like I know my "window" well enough to figure out when we need to get it done in the sack! And, I feel like the 2WW is a little easier when I don't know exactly when it ends. And, my life just feels a little less ruled by IF. I should be ovulating any day now though.

Last week, we found out that another one of our friend's is pregnant with #2. I found out about an hour before I went to my RE's office for my saline sonogram. First, I paid the $600 charge because I have zero coverage now. Then, the Dr. probed around with one speculum for awhile until she gave up. Then, she put in a new one and fumbled her way in. It wasn't THAT bad compared to everything I've done. But, it was uncomfortable and rather painful at times. And, of course the answer was "everything looks good! you can check that off your list". My unspoken response was "of course it looks good but where the hell is my baby?". When I told my husband he said, "we've checked off everything on a very long list except the box that says baby". Anyway, the whole experience just made me feel bitter. I have friends overjoyed to hear that #2 is on the way and meanwhile I'm paying $600 for someone to probe my lady parts and tell me everything looks ok when it's not ok.

Then, a couple days ago, a close friend of mine had a baby. I was supposed to be just a few weeks behind her with my last pregnancy. That loss seems so far away that I'm not even emotional about it. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

This posts sounds kind of negative, but I'm actually feeling relatively good. Being bitter here and there sure beats crying on a regular basis. We have to relish in these small IF victories!

My husband and I booked a short trip to the Olympics at the end of the month and I am VERY excited about that. Maybe I'll be more fertile in Canada?