Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Bitter But Headed for Vancouver

I feel like I've been neglecting the bloggy world lately. I guess I'm trying to distance myself from IF this month. Next month we're doing Clomid+IUI and so we have one more natural cycle to try. I decided not to even do OPK's this month. I went back and forth. In the end, I feel like I know my "window" well enough to figure out when we need to get it done in the sack! And, I feel like the 2WW is a little easier when I don't know exactly when it ends. And, my life just feels a little less ruled by IF. I should be ovulating any day now though.

Last week, we found out that another one of our friend's is pregnant with #2. I found out about an hour before I went to my RE's office for my saline sonogram. First, I paid the $600 charge because I have zero coverage now. Then, the Dr. probed around with one speculum for awhile until she gave up. Then, she put in a new one and fumbled her way in. It wasn't THAT bad compared to everything I've done. But, it was uncomfortable and rather painful at times. And, of course the answer was "everything looks good! you can check that off your list". My unspoken response was "of course it looks good but where the hell is my baby?". When I told my husband he said, "we've checked off everything on a very long list except the box that says baby". Anyway, the whole experience just made me feel bitter. I have friends overjoyed to hear that #2 is on the way and meanwhile I'm paying $600 for someone to probe my lady parts and tell me everything looks ok when it's not ok.

Then, a couple days ago, a close friend of mine had a baby. I was supposed to be just a few weeks behind her with my last pregnancy. That loss seems so far away that I'm not even emotional about it. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

This posts sounds kind of negative, but I'm actually feeling relatively good. Being bitter here and there sure beats crying on a regular basis. We have to relish in these small IF victories!

My husband and I booked a short trip to the Olympics at the end of the month and I am VERY excited about that. Maybe I'll be more fertile in Canada?


  1. Being OOP is like mashing salt into an open wound. Not only do we have to deal with NOT being able to have a family, but we get to worry about paying for the chance to maybe have one. The chance to have one, not even a guarantee. I get so upset thinking of how much money we've spent in the last year. Of course it would have been worth it for a BABY blah, blah, blah...but I've got nothing and I'm seriously questioning whether it was worth it.

    Your olympic trip sound like fun. Take care.

  2. Enjoy the month off. I think it's so important to give our minds and bodies a break from IF. Enjoy the Olympics! That's so great!

  3. I know what you mean when you say you sound negative when you're actually feeling good. I means, it's the facts that are negative, not you. I feel that way a lot. A LOT!

    Enjoy your Canadian va-cay!

  4. Enjoy your vacation to the Olympics! I'm so jealous. It sounds like a lot of fun. You'll have to post pictures.

    And I know what you mean about sounding negative but feeling good. I feel that way a lot, too.

  5. An announcement and a birth, when it rains it pours, huh?

    I think it's good to take a break from OPK's now and then, hopefully it'll make your tww go by that much faster.

    You'd think the "everything looks great" comment would be a relief, but it's mostly infuriating. Your husbands comment cracked me up, I couldn't agree more.

    Have fun in Vancouver!

  6. I feel like I always am sounding negative these days, even when I am feeling good. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

    I'm sorry that your surrounded by all of the pregoness. It sucks too about your insurance.

    Embrace that trip! I'm excited for you and can't wait to see the pics!

  7. I think it is important to take a break from IF...enjoy it!! I hope you have a great time at the Olympics. I have been to the summer Olympics and it was an amazing experience!!

  8. There's an award waiting for you on my blog. =)