Monday, September 28, 2009

More Uncertainty

The last week has been frustrating and anticlimactic. My OBGYN still believes I had another pregnancy and miscarriage...but can't be absolutely certain. My RE thinks it's more likely I was passing tissue/blood from the previous miscarriage.....but doesn't know. Basically, my RE thinks my OBGYN missed something on the ultrasound I had after the last miscarriage. But my OBGYN is confident in what she saw. Maybe I just want to believe I got pregnant again, but I believe I got pregnant again. Why? Two reasons - 1. There was a lot of blood/tissue in this recent round...I feel like my OBGYN would have to have been blind to have missed it. 2. I'm the only one that went through it and I don't know what else would cause that much pain and bleeding. In any case, I'll never know for sure. Annoying.

And, neither Dr. seems to think it really makes a difference anyway. So, I've just gone through more physical and mental hell and nobody really cares. Sweet.

Anyway, all I can hope for is that my body gets back on track ASAP. I had an ultrasound today at my RE's office and he said my ovaries are confused......hopefully, my hormones will start working regularly soon.

On a more happy note, my hubby and I celebrated our 4th anniversary this past weekend. We flew to Seattle and had a wonderful time. We did some sightseeing, ate a lot, drank a lot and relaxed a lot too. He planned the weekend so all I had to do was show up! Oh - and we also each ran 20 miles - well I ran/walked. I am still planning to do the NYC marathon on 11/1. Yes - maybe a dumb move for my reproductive system. I certainly wouldn't have been training had I known what was potentially going on last month. In any case, the marathon gives me something to look forward to. Training is a release for me. Completing it will feel good - something I can do as compared to all my IF "failures". And, hopefully when I finish, my body will be ready to make this baby thing happen!!!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Freaking Out

I will know more in the next couple days but for now I'm kind of freaking out.

Last night, I had horrible cramping and passed a lot of blood and tissue. This is gross to say, but I'm going to say it anyway....there were like walnut sized pieces plopping into the toilet. Sorry, I know that's gross. And, the cramps were so bad I was squirming around in the fetal position, feeling like I was going to throw up. So, it started to dawn on me, is this another, separate miscarriage? I knew we were supposed to take a month off but I didn't even consider contraception because - why would I after almost 4 years of trying and almost no success getting pregnant? We didn't do OPK's or time anything, and I don't even remember when we had sex. Anyway, I finally got a hold of my OBGYN (after 4 calls), and her gut is that it's a separate miscarriage. Because she did an ultrasound after my last miscarriage that showed no remaining tissue, she thinks this bleeding is separate.

I'm getting my second HCG test & results tomorrow. This will tell us if it's going up or down (from 168). I'd like to think it could be going up but I know there is absolutely no way there is anything viable in my uterus (if you were in my position you would know too). The nurse said, "we don't want to see you tomorrow because if the level is going up, it will be to early to see anything". Give me a break lady! I told her that I don't think I'm pregnant, I just want to make sure everything is cleared out. Anyway, I will know soon enough and go in for an ultrasound.

There's still a few possibilities...I should just wait until tomorrow to get more information but I can't stop thinking about it and speculating:
1. This is a separate miscarriage. I have to admit that this kind of makes me excited because it means I got pregnant again. I never thought I would say I got "accidentally pregnant". Insane. The bad news is that this would be miscarriage #3. But, since my lining may not of been in good shape after miscarriage #2 a month earlier, maybe I don't read so much into it? I don't know. I am definitely not feeling a loss because I never even thought in a million years that I was pregnant. Maybe the laprascopic surgery I had in May really was a game changer. My other concern with this scenario is that after two miscarriage in a few months, my body may need a longer break before we try again. More waiting........grrrrr.
2. The bleeding cramping are carryovers from the last miscarriage. Somehow my HCG is still up from the last pregnancy. Can a placenta basically be gone and then re-grow? I don't know if that's possible. Both my Dr.'s have said that's unlikely. I hope this is not the case because then it's just another thing that happens only in very rare cases, i.e. mine. I guess that means I'd do a D&C.
3. My OBGYN saw a possible fibroid in my uterus at the last couple ultrasounds. I was doing some googling (so addictive) and it looks like fibroids can cause abnormal bleeding. But, they shouldn't elevate HCG... ? I hope I don't have a fibroid that is messing up things and needs to be removed. But, I guess it wouldn't be the end of the world.

Anyway, I am just very intrigued by this whole thing. I'm not sad right now, I'm just wondering what the heck is going on. Give me some answers!!!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Positive & Pissed

I finally "broke down" and contacted my Dr. about the fact that my "period" is weird and never ending this month. I had been thinking my body just needed to work through this and then everything would be fine. When I told him about the bleeding and cramping he said it is not normal and wants me to come in for an ultrasound. First, he had me get an HCG test. And, it was FUCKING POSITIVE (160). Are you kidding me? It's so hard for me to get this hormone activated in my body and now it's been lingering around for 2 months post miscarriage, confusing my system. I knew I should have had the test taken sooner but Dr. didn't prescribe it and who really wants to get blood drawn to see that you're not pregnant. I do that enough when I'm actually trying to get pregnant. Oh - and in case there's any doubt, it's not possible I'm pregnant because I haven't had sex in ages given this neverending bleeding. Gotta love that too.

I think I should have had a D&C instead of taking misoprostol. I reacted better when I had the D&C - it just hurt too much. God forbid that I have a third miscarriage but I would choose D&C under sedation.

Anyway, I don't yet know what the next steps are. I'll find out today or tomorrow. What I do know is that this is causing more delays. More months of waiting to even try.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Yosemite & More Delays

I've been a bad blogger. But, I have a pretty good excuse. I spilled water all over my keyboard and it died. Then, it took me almost a week to get a new one. Then, I got busy with work and went out of town for four days. But, now I'm back.

This past weekend was another lovely one. We were at a wedding in breathtakingly beautiful Yosemite. We did some running and hiking in between the various wedding events. The personal vows were heartfelt, funny and endearing. I love weddings.

On the fertility front, I am getting very pissed off at my body. I started my period (or at least I thought I did) two weeks ago. It was super light for awhile and then it picked up on day 5 or so, with cramps and more bleeding. Then, it started tapering off again but this weekend it picked up AGAIN. So today is day 14 of bleeding. And, the last two night the cramping has woken me up in the middle of the night and kept me up for an hour or so. I am wondering if there was still tissue left over from the last pregnancy but I had an U/S a month or so ago and they said there wasn't. I did some midnight googling last night and found others with similar experiences so maybe this is nothing to worry about. I think I will call my Dr. if the bleeding continues much longer. But, I doubt they'll have anything to say. I was originally thinking that we would try naturally this cycle but now success seems highly unlikely. First, I don't know WTF my body is doing. And, I don't think it's be worth trying OPK's because who knows when it will happen. Normally it would be around know but I'm still having bleeding and cramping so who knows. Anyway, we'll still go for it, but I feel like more and more time is flying by without any forward movement.

The upside of having a messed up body is that mentally I'm still doing fairy well. I'm not waiting on pins and needles to find out if I'm pregnant. And, I'm not under medical supervision. I like that part.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


This past week has been a blur. My friend's wedding in Laguna Beach was beautiful. It was an honor to be in her wedding. There was so much love & support in the air. beginnings! I did think on several occasions about my own marriage and how it's been almost four years. It makes me happy to think about how strong our relationship is despite our struggles with infertility and loss. I feel truly blessed to have found my husband.

I did note that several people told my friend (the bride) to "hurry up and have kids". I can't stand these types of comments anymore as the whole concept is foreign to me.

I think AF arrived last night. The bleeding is light, but since this is my first cycle since the miscarriage, I'm not expecting it to be normal. This is good because it means we can start trying again but it has already reintroduced a certain amount of stress back into my life. The pressure is on.....will it work?....when will I ovulate?... what if it doesn't work?.....when will i get crazy and/or sad?

For now, I'm still feeling pretty good.