Sunday, May 23, 2010

Guilt & Hope

Hello ICLWers!

I am behind in posting this and in commenting this month. I have full-on morning sickness (this is a happy thing) and there are many hours of the day in which I just can't seem to get off the couch. So, while I'm feeling good this morning, I'm going to blog away.

I'm currently 9w1d pregnant with twins from an IUI cycle! This is a miracle to me because we've been trying for years and have had failed IVF's, miscarriages, etc.

There's two things on my mind today.

1. It feels weird to write positive posts about being pregnant. I know I "deserve" to be where I am. I know it's "my time". But, I can't help feeling guilty about it when there are still so many others struggling. I know others are happy for me, but I feel like I might be adding just a little pain and hurt to those who are still trying - and that kills me. I want to provide hope and not sadness, but I know for me, it was always bittersweet to hear about pregnancies (not just sweet). So, I'm not apologizing, but I'm acknowledging my guilt.

2. I'm still very nervous. In some ways, I feel like our chances are getting really good and in just a few short weeks we'll be past the "danger zone". But, I continue to doubt that this is really going to work. I am holding back on my happiness. I have now told a couple very close friends about the pregnancy and one of them was so happy she was screaming and tearing up. I realized that she was experiencing a more pure, uninhibited joy than I feel. But, I just can't get there yet. My other friend starting asking me all sorts of questions about the delivery, child-care, etc., and I also can't possibly think about that stuff yet. All I can think about is getting through the next few weeks. Day by day.....

Ok, now to the commenting...


  1. Don't feel guilty! I love hearing success stories (especially from IUIs) and I'm sure I am not alone in that mindset.

    Congrats on the twins and happy ICLW!

  2. Please don't feel guilty - you give people like me hope!

  3. DONT FEEL GUILTY! As someone battling IF I can tell you that anyone who has been down this road deserves their pregnancy more than words can say. You do provide hope and you make me know that what I am fighting for can happen.

    I hope your morning sickness subsides quickly!

  4. Don't feel guity and good luck! I look forward to following your story!

  5. Don't feel guilty! I know the feeling though; I do totally get it. I hope the next few weeks pass quickly for you without incident and you start to feel less sick

  6. I can understand how you's almost like survivor's guilt. Especially though for all that you've endured, try to shake it, bit by bit. You won't ever turn into one of those BFPers who forgets what it was like.

    I'm so happy for you that you've made it to nine weeks!!

  7. Day by day is the only way to take it. I couldn't look past the day I was at in my last pregnancy - we didn't even install a carseat and my partner had to race home and figure it out alone the day we were released from hospital!

    Congrats for making it to nine weeks with your little beans!

  8. I totally agree with what you're feeling!!! Congrats on making it to nine weeks - hopefully the nervousness starts to subside.

  9. Congrats on your BFP! It gives me hope :).

    And, thanks for thinking of those of us who are still waiting!

    ICLW #81

  10. Congratulations on making it to nine weeks! I definitely get the guilt feeling. Especially since i haven't been trying as long or gone through as much as so many who deserve it so much. It's really hard to let go. This is definitely your time and I'm thinking so many positive thoughts for you and your twins!

  11. Happy ICLW!!

    Congrats on your BFP! How so exciting! Your story can give many hope! Don't feel weird about being nervous, I was a nervous wreck my WHOLE pregnancy. It's the thought, that we are not in control! Morning sickness is a great sign. I had HORRIBLE morning sickness w/vomiting from 5 to 22 weeks. It was awful but gave me hope that everything was progressing nicely!

  12. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I feel you on the guilt though. I am 13 weeks today, and have decided not to announce anything on Facebook because I know what that feels like to read. And my journey wasn't as long or heart-wrenching as yours! I'm glad you know you deserve this and that it's your time!!