Saturday, May 8, 2010

Make the Days Go Faster Please!

The days are going by ever so slowly. Today I am 7w3d pregnant. That means it's been a little over 3 weeks since I found out about this pregnancy but it seems like it's been an eternity! I feel like if I can make it to 10 weeks I'll start to relax a bit (famous last words!), but that still feels so far away.

Physically, I feel pretty darn awful. I basically feel hungover almost all the time (I don't get headaches when I'm hungover, I just feel tired, awful and like I might puke). It's been tough to get through a few days at work. And, I night I just look forward to sleeping. I am craving salt, grease and junk food - give me nachos, pizza and french fries. So far tonight I've had chips and queso with a side of strawberries :) I read that it's common to put on a decent amount of weight in the 1st trimester of a twin pregnancy. I might be on the way with my choice of diet these days... In any case, I am NOT complaining. I would not trade it for the world.

Emotionally, I am up and down. I overanalyze my symptoms (e.g. i'm not peeing as much anymore! I feel a little less sick! Are my boobs really bigger or am I just imagining it!). There are certain moments where I am just gripped by fear. If I miscarry...
  • The emptiness will be so vast that I'll be lost
  • I won't be able to look my husband in the eyes
  • I have no idea what our next steps will be but this may be the end of our efforts to conceive with our own DNA
  • I'll become even more bitter and isolated than I've already become
I know I shouldn't focus on this stuff but how can I not? How can I be optimistic when nothing about infertility or pregnancy has gone right for us in the last 4 years? I'm trying. I really am. I am excited and hopeful but I am terrified of the next few weeks.


  1. It's natural to feel the way you do after all that you've been through. You have every reason though to feel positive about this...all your symptoms and those two beautiful heartbeats!

    Try as best you can to just take one day at a time and enjoy every minute of the nachos and strawberries. My therapist suggested that I take a specific amount of time each day and worry (half an hour) and not allow myself to the other times. Easier said than done, I know!

    (((HUGS))) You're doing great!

  2. Alice, I know after everything thing you've been through it's IMPOSSIBLE to trust that you'll finally fall on the other side of the statistics, so we'll do it for you.

    Sending you lots of warm fuzzies, and I'm with Kelly - "One day at a time" (I know, easy for us to say).

    Thinking of you.

  3. While I haven't experienced this situation personally, I can only imagine how tough it is to balance happiness and hope with fear. You've been through a lot, so I'm sure it's only natural to worry. I wish you didn't though--I wish you could just have the happiness and lightness that clueless fertiles take for granted all the time.

    My favorite play of all time is RENT and the theme is "no day but today" which is tough tough tough to live by but in the end, it really is all we can live by. TODAY you are pregnant--with TWO BABIES!!!

  4. It is so hard to get past those negative feelings. I had them a lot. The fear can be overwhelming, you just need to remember to BREATHE and try to enjoy the time you have with your little ones, no matter what happens.