Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Forever Unexplained

Recently, the most important question in my mind got answered. It's possible for me to get and stay pregnant. After years of wondering if I ever get here, this seems unbelievable and amazing.

Through our four years of efforts, we were never given any reason why we should have a hard time. The diagnosis was "unexplained infertility". All our tests came back looking good. I responded well to all the treatments (well, except Clomid). The endometriosis they found was mild. The blasts they transferred in IVF were high quality. The miscarriages I had were "bad luck". My first RE suspected "egg quality", but this was never confirmed. My second RE didn't have a diagnosis but was "optimistic". The "unexplained" diagnosis is incredibly frustrating. If nothing is "wrong", why isn't it "right"?

There were so many times I questioned if we should give up, but with no evidence to suggest that something was wrong, we kept moving forward - through doubt, disappointment and heartbreak. As time went by, I could tell that some of my friends and family thought we should move on to adoption or an egg donor. We were thinking about it, but we kept postponing that and continued on - confused, crushed, but somehow with a little bit of hope.

And, now I find myself over 14 weeks pregnant with twins. It's awesome. But, it's still so confusing. I still have so many questions...
  • Did going to the new RE help, even though I had tried the drug and IUI at my first clinic?
  • Did the last seven months of therapy and blogging matter? It helped me resolve some stuff but was my mental state preventing us from success?
  • Did the laparoscopy 10 months before the IUI procedure make the difference (two of my three pregnancies were post-laparascopy)?
  • Why did IUI work after all this time and after more aggressive treatments like IVF failed?
  • Why did I get pregnant once from IVF (frozen), once naturally, and once from IUI, but never from a fresh IVF cycle when the chances were highest?
  • Did my relatively new acupuncturist help?
  • Do I have an egg quality issue? If not, what made getting here so damn hard?
  • How on earth did I produce two "good eggs" when dozens in the past had been duds?
  • Were the miscarriages really just "bad luck"?
  • Did it help that I went wine tasting after the IUI procedure that worked!? (yep, I did - something i never would have done early on in our efforts)
I could go on and on. There are just so many questions that will never be answered. If I wanted to get pregnant again, I'm not sure what path I would take. If I was asked to give advice to someone with similar experiences to my own, I wouldn't have many confident things to say. I hated when people told me "it will happen" eventually, so I definitely wouldn't say that. I guess I would say that it's good try all the options, to get a second opinion and get some emotional support (in whatever way works best) - but that doesn't seem like enough.

Again, I am so thankful to have "the big question" answered. It makes all the difference. But, it still sucks for all our struggles to be forever unexplained...


  1. This is super tough. Not having explanations for things is one of the most frustrating things about life. I have a good friend who doesn't ever feel well but the doctors cannot diagnose her. Is it lupus, lyme disease, or an autoimmune disorder or is she just a stressed-out mental case? She has been looking for answers for over a decade and still can't find them. It's also easier to sit in bad traffic if you KNOW that there is an accident ahead. I'm sorry that you don't have any answers and I'm sorry that this probably won't change. But how wonderful to be pregnant with twins after such a long struggle! I wish you, your husband and your little babies all the best!

  2. I would be frustrated, too. I think it's easy for people to say, "Well, you're pregnant now so who cares" but unless you go through this, you'll never understand the pure frustration of wanting to know WHY all of those other things and times didn't work. I'm neurotic about knowing the reasonings behind things, too, so when you have that mentality it makes things even worse.

    Hugs to you. I know these babies won't take away your questions, but I am so happy that they are in your life.

  3. I can understand your frustrations....being pregnant doesn't take away the questions. Your story is an inspiration to those of us who are still trying. Congrats on your twins!!

  4. It's hard to let go of something that's been the consuming factor in your life, even if you finally have what you've been struggling for. I constantly what if, wondering what else I can do that might make a difference... What if constantly thinking about our IF is stopping us (and how do I stop thinking about it, agh?). What if I had been doing acupuncture since the beginning (over 2.5 years ago)? And there's a few "why me's" thrown in... Enough to drive me mad!

  5. Well, not to give a cliche type answer but I guess all you can do right this very second is live in the moment that the biggest question has been answered--that you are most definitely pregnant with twins and you will STAY pregnant with them until they are good and ready to come out, blogger's orders :)
    As someone who is moving on because we couldn't get our questions fully answered, it's a weird place to be too--I find everyone thinks this means I'm over my IF and that is SO not the case. But all I can do is put one foot in front of the other--it's all any of us can do right?
    So glad you are kicking IF in the bootay!

  6. you explained this well! it's something i think about a lot too, now that i am pregnant after a long journey of infertility. it's really something hard for people to understand unless they've been through it. my friends are very supportive but i still get the sense they are thinking... you're pregnant now, just be happy and forget about the difficulty. which is hard to do.

  7. I hate the concept of unexplained infertility. I don't know what will fix me. I would like to say that once I'm fixed, as in pregnant successfully, that I'll be ok with the answer, but like you, I think I'll always wonder.

  8. I really do understand. Firstly, though it is absolutely wonderful that you have made it to 14wks! The big question answered.

    I often wonder the same things as you - and if we finally do stay pg I really don't think this is going to take all the questions away. It constantly amazes me that there are so many variables and each person is so individual.

    Wishing you all the best for the rest of your journey. Your story actually does give me hope. :)