NOT OK

I'm so sick of ambiguity, of second guessing, of worrying and hoping...

So, as I've posted before, we're trying to get pregnant "naturally" for the next few months. This could be considered the "normal" way to get pregnant. I admit it's nice to not be getting shots, ultrasounds, etc. And, maybe I should feel lucky that success is possible without intervention. But, how can I really take any comfort in where I am?

I remember crying over three years ago, the second time we used OPK's. It was our first wedding anniversary weekend and we were hoping to celebrate with some good news. I was so crushed and frustrated. We talked about how there is no way that I wouldn't be pregnant by the holidays. Yet, this is likely to be the fourth year that I don't get my Christmas wish. When I look back on those initial disappointments, it seems so naive and silly. That was nothing. At the same time, I've become so bitter and hardened by this process, that I've barely shed a tear over much worse things that have happened. I've learned to distance myself from the pain - for better or worse. I don't even remember the the exact due date from my last failed pregnancy. I just had to put the memory and hope away.

So, how am supposed to be ok with all of this? I'm still wondering how long this journey is going to last and what the path will be? I'm wondering if I'm just "wasting time" by trying naturally? I'm wondering if the glasses of wine that keep me sane are a bad idea? I'm wondering how many more awkward conversations I'm going to have with friends? I hate this.

I lead a balanced life and get to do tons of things I love. I've got great family and friends. I'm just a normal girl, trying to have a baby. But, I'm not.