Waiting

I've been thinking about what to write in the post and I can't come up with anything coherent. The days are passing ever so slowly. I'm incredibly thankful and happy to be pregnant, but I am feeling so, so cautious.

Our trip to NYC was a good one. We went to the wedding of a very good friend of my husband. I love weddings - love seeing the bride & groom beaming, love the service, love the dancing..and typically love the cocktails as well. I didn't know many folks at this wedding and my fun factor definitely could have benefited from some booze but c'est la vie - I'm not complaining. DH told everyone that I had been sick (which is actually true), so that provided a backdrop for the no drinking and the early departures (1am was an "early" departure). I'm finally kicking this horrendous cold.

After the wedding festivities, we went out to see my brother and sister in law. She is about 25 weeks pregnant. We didn't tell them about my pregnancy. In fact, we still haven't told anyone. They had one of those "miracle" pregnancies. She is 39 and the RE's told her that she had a 1-2% chance by trying naturally, a somewhat higher chance with IUI, and that her egg count was too low for IVF. But, of course, they got pregnant naturally. As they were sharing their story, they told me how much they had endured. And, I had a very weak moment. I sort of rolled my eyes and said something to the effect of "yeah, believe me, we've had a lot worse than you". It was the jealousy speaking. They knew we'd been struggling for years and have never acknowledged that. They were supposed to have low chances and got pregnant with 8 months of starting. We haven't been diagnosed with any real issues, have been trying for 4 years and have had multiple miscarriages. I know why I reacted that way but it was the wrong thing to say and not what I meant. Nobody should have to endure any of this IF shit. And, everyone's struggle is important. That night, I woke up several times thinking about how dumb, inappropriate and insensitive my comment was. I apologized to them the next day (not that they seemed upset at the time), and they said there were no hard feelings. Ugh......

So, Monday it was back to work and I'm just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. My first u/s appointment is on Tuesday. I should be 6.5 weeks at that point. I am terrified for that appointment as this is how I have found out about non-viable pregnancies in the past. These days are going slowly....but this weekend I'm going to a yoga retreat so I hope that will bring me some calm. I won't be trying out any crazy new poses but, once again, it will be good for me to be occupied.

Oh yeah - and Monday was my birthday. I'm 36. When I got married, we wanted to try for two kids by the time I was 35. Now we're begging the world to give us one by 37.

Double Plus

I got my RE's office to do beta #2 today (18dpo) for stat. The level was 2,034 (vs. #1 at 754). Wowza. I mapped my HCG levels on a chart and they're above the "high" line. I'm just trying to enjoy the news. However, it's taking strength on my part not to go on a googling binge about whether HCG levels can be too high. And, I'm thinking, "could it be twins?". Anyhow, I just wanted to share the news before I head off to the big apple. Our trip will keep me safely away from google for the next four days :) I'll look forward to catching up on your blogs when I get back.

Thank you all so much for your encouraging comments. It means a lot to me.

Beta #1

I went in for my first beta yesterday and had to wait until almost 5pm today to get the results.

754!!

So, plenty high. Now I just need it to double. I'll be going in tomorrow morning for #2.

Physically, this is where I'm at:

• No spotting
• A few twinges here and there
• Maybe some extra trips to the bathroom but I did not get up to pee in the middle of the night last night and it freaked me out
  
• Boobs are getting sore
• Feeling somewhat queasy and tired, but I'm still fighting this nasty cold so it's hard to read anything into that

Basically, I have no reason to worry. Well, except that I've been here twice before only to lose the baby a few weeks later. Yeah....that.

Mentally, I'm feeling ok about things. We haven't told a soul IRL. I'm just not ready to share with anyone but you guys :)

I haven't been obsessing too much although I did look at the EDD and - crazy enough it's either:

1. Based on day 1 of last cycle -> December 24th
2. Based on date of conception (i.e. IUI procedure) -> December 25th

So, if we make it, looks like a Christmas baby. What a gift that would be.

I also can't seem to resist looking a the calendar in general and thinking about important dates like ultrasounds, first trimester, etc. I just can't help thinking about it even though I don't want to get my hopes up.

I've got an acupuncture appointment tomorrow night that I'm really looking forward to. And, hopefully they'll do these beta results for STAT so I can know where things stand.

DH and I are headed to New York on Thursday morning so I may not get to check in until we get back on Monday. We're going to a wedding so it should be a fun weekend and I welcome the distraction.

OMG

I am 15DPO and also suffering a terrible cold. I haven't been taking any cold medicine because of the possibility of being pregnant. So, for some reason, I decided that last night I would take an OPK in the middle of the night. If it was negative, I was going to load up on nighttime cold medicine. If it was positive, well then great. So, around 2am I POAS and voila, a "plus" quickly appeared. The vertical line was noticeably darker than the horizontal one. OMG!! OMG!! I woke up my husband and hugged him and said "guess what?". He knew. And, he could feel my heart beating a million miles per minute.

It's so exciting and amazing, but so scary. I don't think I can suffer another loss. My parents are visiting but I just can't bring myself to tell them. I can't bear to drag them through another roller coaster. I'm nervous it's just a chemical pregnancy and my hopes will be dashed within days. I'm terrified of making it to an u/s and being told, for the third time, that "it's over".

I know that I just need to take it day by day and it's basically out of my control. But, as we all know, that's easier said than done. I left a message at my RE's office, so hopefully I'll get the betas done Monday and Wednesday. Please keep everything crossed for me. My birthday is a week from Monday and I need this gift...it was 4 years ago that we started this quest. Please let this be the year.

IUI

This IUI cycle is going better than the last one but, per my last post, I just can't muster up much hope. We went in on CD12, and my lining was looking quite thin at 5mm. I was concerned. But, when we did the IUI procedure on CD15 my lining was 8mm. Better. And, DH's motile sperm count was much better than last month (23mm vs. 9mm). I had two lovely follicles in there. The Dr. (and not the mean one I had last month!) sounded optimistic and for a moment I felt it too. But, then I thought about how many times everything has looked perfect (and with higher odds) and we haven't had success.

So, we wait. Again. Today is CD19.

As usual, I'm so looking forward to the weekend. Some friends are taking us to the ballet on Friday night and we're going to do a bike ride on Saturday.

Bored

I'm feeling "bored" with infertility. I'm just so over it. Give me a new challenge because I suck at this one.

We've been TTC for four years. This is ridiculous.*

As we go through this IUI, it just seems like were going through the motions. In my gut, I just feel that it's not going to work. And, this doesn't feel particularly upsetting. It just feels realistic. I've been feeling more annoyed about the time, money and effort involved than sad about the fact that a baby is not in our future.

I've assimilated to the fact that my relationships with most of my friends is forever changed. I'm totally comfortable saying no to baby showers, 1st birthday parties, etc. I've learned to avoid the most painful infertility "triggers". I have an "edge" that I didn't used to, but that's ok. The emptiness, bitterness, pain, sadness, and loneliness (and hope?) are all still there, but they are contained (usually). I am thankful for so many great things in my life.

I know that in time I'll feel differently than I do now. Even though the TTC goal is a constant, nothing else about IF is. For now, I'll just enjoy the break from tears, overanalysis, etc.

I'm wishing everyone a wonderful weekend and Easter. I have my IUI procedure today and will send out an update on that before too long.

*I know there are those out there who have been trying for longer and have endured more.