RE Visit

We had a "state of the union" with our RE today. It was tough but helpful. I didn't cry, but I felt like I was about to at several points. When I'm in those offices and there is "a mission" (e.g. transfer, follicle count, etc.) I'm usually pretty strong, but when I just need to go in for something minor, I'm an emotional wreck. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and all the sadness from past experiences seeps into me. I think "I can't do this anymore..I can't go through this again..why me?...etc, etc." Anyway, I survived today without a breakdown.

Summary of the conversation:

1. He agrees with trying naturally for a few months since it's worked recently. phew...i like the break from the meds, etc.

2. He think egg quality is the issue...causing both infertility and miscarriages. They've started an embryo screening process during IVF that we could use next time. It could identify embryos that would likely result in miscarriage. That's a small consolation...but more data is better.

3. I brought up the very uncomfortable discussion of getting a second opinion (since we've been seeing him for 2.5 years already). This was hard for me because I believe my dr./clinic is excellent, but more so because he is a family friend. He was great about it. He encouraged it and thinks we may learn something from it. It's kind of daunting to think about starting over with a new Dr. But, hey, maybe it will help. I think we'll get that process started in a month or so. He mentioned some clinics that are out of town. That sounds really challenging. Has anyone done that? How many times do you have to travel?

4. I broached the subject of donor eggs. He asked if we wanted to have the emotional conversation or just the process conversation. It took me .2 seconds to pick process, since I was trying to avoid an emotional breakdown. Anyway, on the process front, he said it typically takes about 5 months start to finish and walked us through the major steps.

5. I told him about the IF blogging community and that he should mention it as a resource for patients. I wish I would have known about it earlier as all of you are awesome!

All in all, I'm glad we had this appointment. But, this is serious and heavy stuff. It's going to be hard to make some of these decisions. Please, please, please let me get pregnant before we have to.

TGIF (almost!)

Can I get a "hell yeah!", it's almost the end of the week. I am very excited for a low key weekend. I have been way too stressed out about work this week. I don't know how I'm going to handle all my responsibilities and stay sane, much less relaxed enough to get pregnant. Balance...balance..balance. Why is it so hard sometimes!?

Anyhoo, I have nothing fun or interesting to report. I'm glad Jennifer didn't get eliminated from Top Chef. Speaking of food, I had the most DELICIOUS BBQ shrimp on garlic toast this week. Anyone that lives in or visit the bay area should go to Town Hall and order it. YUM.

ICLW

Hello there for any newbies to my blog. I'm trying this ICLW thing for the first time. I've been blogging for a few non-eventful (sort of) months of my IF journey and it's done me wonders, but I could use a few more "friends".

Even though few of us are where we want to be, I cherish staying up with others news and relating to the hope, disappointment, insanity, dark humor, sadness, and so much more.

Here's my deal:

I am 35 and am in disbelief that I've been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years. I have tried everything including Clomid, Letrazole, IUI, and IVF. I have been pregnant two or three times (i know...really confusing .... read blogs from late september if you want to know more) but never made it past 8 weeks. I am currently waiting for my body to get "back to normal" post-miscarriage. I feel guilt, anger, sadness, numbness, confusion, bitterness (is that the same as anger?) and the full array of IF emotions. I've actually been feeling really strong and happy lately but I think that ugly stuff lies below the surface.

The diagnosis is unexplained, although I had mild endometriosis removed via laparoscopy and FSH is a little high (in the 9's). In any case, I don't have a baby and it's hard to have hope. But,
given my recent "success" getting pregnant, I want to try naturally for the next few months before getting back to ART. If we are still not pregnant a few months down the road, I'm not sure if we'll try IVF again, or move on to donor eggs. I'm trying to wrap my mind around the latter idea. Thoughts?

Other than that, I love food & wine, sporty stuff (especially triathlons & yoga), the outdoors and too many TV shows. Right now, I don't like baby showers or even 1- and 2-year old birthday parties. I've struggled at sharing my IF journey and feel really thankful for the blogging community.

Marley & Me Commentary

I watched Marley & Me the other night. I thought it would be a touching and feel good movie about a dog. It sort of was. [Don't read on if you haven't seen the movie]. And, I was actually feeling good about the movie industry when the couple's first pregnancy ends in miscarriage. It was at least a little more of dose of reality than most movies where it takes once try to get pregnant and the pregnancy is easy as can be. But, after the does of reality, Jennifer Anniston knocks out three kids back to back...including one "whoops" So, in the end, the movie kind of depressed me because it was a view of "normal" life that just isn't happening for me. Oh well. At least the dog was cute. And, there life looked kind of painful at times anyway. And, I like my husband more than Owen Wilson :)

Nothing exciting to report on the fertility front. I think I'm entering the latter half of my cycle and hope to start trying again (naturally) next month!

Wine Tasting at Childcare Center?

My parents just departed after a three day visit. It was fun to see them but I'm always ready for some downtime after a visit. Nothing much has been happening for me on the fertility front. I started bleeding again last weekend but it's stopped again. And, my Dr's aren't concerned. I think I may be ovulating (or close to it) because seeing some cervical mucous. I never thought I'd be so excited about it....but I am. I just want to get back to normal.

A group of friends from work invited me to a wine tasting at a childcare place. The idea is that they take care of your kids and while you do a wine tasting. My friends (who don't know about my IF) wrote - "even though you don't have kids we wanted to invite you. and, to incentivize you, you can get a discount. You're lucky you don't have to pay for childcare!". While this was a nice gesture, there are so many things about it that piss me off. Obviously, the biggest is that I don't have a kid and don't "fit in". Also, I have this "big secret" from them, and so I can't even blame them for their insensitive comments, but I'm still hurt be them. And, I am not even remotely interested in going! If I want to drink wine I'm going to go to a BAR not a childcare center!! I'm sure they'll just talk about their kids the whole time anyway. So, I lied and said I had plans.

On another note, I hurt my foot/ankle a couple weeks ago and have put marathon training on hold. That blows. I am going to get it checked out this week.

Despite all the venting above, life is pretty good. I'm still in a pretty good spot mentally.