I'll Have Some Wine with that Turkey

AF arrived yesterday. Damn. I knew it was unlikely I'd get pregnant but it still hurts. That being said, I haven't shed a tear. I'm pretty numb to this stuff. And oddly, I often feel slightly better when I find out it's a "no" for sure. At least it puts a stop to all the wondering and over-analysis. Plus, I think it puts me in a better place hormonally. Maybe December is the month. Please, Santa?

For now, I'll be consuming lots of wine as I hang out with the in-laws. Better luck to everyone else and Happy Thanksgiving!!

Time is Going Slowly....Again

Well...I'm back to pressing on my boobs multiple times a day to see if they hurt. I feel so pathetic sometimes! I'm 13 days past the positive OPK and no signs good or bad. It feels silly to hope, but I'm hoping anyway. Even so, I'm not planning on doing a HPT in the next few days. I can't stand those things! I'm just trying to focus on other things. My in-laws arrive Tuesday and are staying with us for a week! They are great....but it will try my patience. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving cooking and short work week.

7 things

Thank you Kelly for this "award". It is my very first. And, this is the first image I've pasted into my blog. I admire all you ladies who put up fun pictures and stuff. I need to do more of that. Anyway, here are 7 things about me:

1. I love triathlons and have done a couple half-ironmans, the Escape from Alcatraz triathlon (3 times) and some others. I've tried to pull back in recent years given our IF struggles but I sneak one in each year!

2. I am the only child of two PhD's in chemistry. Nerds. I stayed away from science but opted for finance which is pretty nerdy too. I wish I had a more creative/artistic side.

3. I don't normally wear thong underwear but have found a recent soft spot for hanky pankies.

4. I hate eggs and always have. Actually, I don't really like pancakes, waffles, french toast or pastries either. On the other hand, I will happily eat italian, mexican or chinese food for breakfast.

5. I want to come back in my next life as an amazing singer (preferably a fertile one). I want to belt it out and move people to tears!

6. My husband is from Minnesota and plays ice hockey once a week. I am still trying to figure out the rules of ice hockey.

7. We went to Buenos Aires and Patagonia in February. Steak, wine, river rafting, lakes, mountains, sleep........I cried (literally) when I left.

I'm not good at "chain letters"! But, pass it on to Melissa, Cathy and hope4joy.

I hope everyone is doing well. I feel like it's been a rough week for a lot of people.

xoxo

NOT OK

I'm so sick of ambiguity, of second guessing, of worrying and hoping...

So, as I've posted before, we're trying to get pregnant "naturally" for the next few months. This could be considered the "normal" way to get pregnant. I admit it's nice to not be getting shots, ultrasounds, etc. And, maybe I should feel lucky that success is possible without intervention. But, how can I really take any comfort in where I am?

I remember crying over three years ago, the second time we used OPK's. It was our first wedding anniversary weekend and we were hoping to celebrate with some good news. I was so crushed and frustrated. We talked about how there is no way that I wouldn't be pregnant by the holidays. Yet, this is likely to be the fourth year that I don't get my Christmas wish. When I look back on those initial disappointments, it seems so naive and silly. That was nothing. At the same time, I've become so bitter and hardened by this process, that I've barely shed a tear over much worse things that have happened. I've learned to distance myself from the pain - for better or worse. I don't even remember the the exact due date from my last failed pregnancy. I just had to put the memory and hope away.

So, how am supposed to be ok with all of this? I'm still wondering how long this journey is going to last and what the path will be? I'm wondering if I'm just "wasting time" by trying naturally? I'm wondering if the glasses of wine that keep me sane are a bad idea? I'm wondering how many more awkward conversations I'm going to have with friends? I hate this.

I lead a balanced life and get to do tons of things I love. I've got great family and friends. I'm just a normal girl, trying to have a baby. But, I'm not.

TWW - Finally

I've been MIA because I was in New York all last week. It was a good visit but I'm glad to be back on the west coast.

I think I am close to ovulating so I'll be starting my TWW journey pretty soon. I'm excited to finally be at this point for the first time since June (b/c then I got pregnant and miscarried and then accidentally got pregnant (?!) and miscarried again). But, I'm also dreading all the insane thoughts that will soon invade my head as I wait for the news. I'm not that hopeful, but a little hope goes a long way!

I've been thinking a bit more about getting a second opinion (per my last blog). I was going to wait until January to think about this but I think I'll get the ball rolling sooner. It could take awhile to get in to see some Dr's. I am close to ruling out doing IVF with a RE that is out of state. It just seems like too much time and logistical difficulty. I can't imagine dealing with any more stress than already exists. And, I'd need to use at least a week of my vacation.....This may seem like messed up priorities, but I'd rather save my vacation for a real vacation, not a week of medical procedures and bedrest. I have found the vacations I've taken over the last few years ESSENTIAL in the midst of all this crap, and just don't want to give them up. Plus, in the bay area, there are several excellent clinics so I don't feel like I'd be giving up much, if anything.

On a somewhat humorous note, when I logged into Amazon the other day, it showed my "recommended" items for purchase. One of them was a package of 50 ovulation pee-sticks. Thanks, Amazon, as if it wasn't obvious to me that I need a lot of help.