Spring

Hello and welcome ICLWers. It feels like Spring here in San Francisco! I've had a good weekend - a little time outside, exercise, basketball, sleep, acupuncture and even getting my tax stuff together. But, I'm not pregnant. CD1 was Friday. It hasn't been to tough to process given that this cycle seemed to be doomed (i.e. thin uterine lining, low sperm count on top of the fact that even when things are normally perfect we've been trying to conceive for about 4 years now). So, it's on to the next cycle. We'll be doing letrazole/femara + IUI this go around. We did Clomid last month and my RE thinks that may have caused the thin lining. I did 3 cycles of letrazole 2.5 years ago, including one with IUI, and it didn't work. So, it feels we are just going through the motions. But, maybe the stars will align for us. Oh, please!!

I'm going through one of my "I need to do more things to make my body healthy" phases. My acupuncturist gave me a bunch of food recommendations which I will try to incorporate into my diet. Some of them are easy to do, like eating more meat and fresh vegetables. Some are a little harder, like eating blue-green algae and longan fruit! I don't think I've talked much about acupuncture on this blog but I absolutely love it. I find it incredibly relaxing, and fall asleep pretty much every time.

Now...something I don't absolutely love is friends giving me "IF cures" they've heard of. We all know how this goes and that it is usually driven by good intentions, but it is just not what we need. On my ski trip with girlfriends last weekend, one friend told me that she heard cutting gluten out of the diet can lead to pregnancy and another told me that she heard regressive therapy can help. I'm not totally sure I understand regressive therapy but it is something about unearthing latent memories that may be creating blockages of some kind. Again, I know these friends were only trying to help, but hearing these things makes it seem like I'm NOT doing enough. They don't understand how much we have tried and how many possible "random" ideas people have out there! I know that other people beat IF all the time, in a variety of ways. But, I'm still trying to find my way. Despite these comments, the two friends who made these comments were really sweet and supportive in everything else they said. Having shared my struggles with a number of friends, I really appreciate the one who "check in" on me, as opposed to the ones who never bring it up.

I'm wishing you all a very happy & FERTILE spring!!

CD27

It's CD 27 and I absolutely hate this time of the month. I'm feeling vulnerable and insecure. I'm feeling hope and dread. I know I will feel better in a few days, even if I get a BFN. I'm not feeling any "signs". My previous BFP's were preceded by a bunch of cramping and I don't feel any of that. So, I wait for the final evidence...

On a positive note, I finally have some resolution on my former post, A Lost Friendship . Thanks to all of you for your comments on that one. You inspired me to deal with the issue directly. I wrote her an honest letter (it took a few drafts to get the right tone), and we had good talk a few days later. It felt so good to "clear the air", as I see her everyday and didn't like the resentment I felt. A favorite quote of mine - "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." It's so true, but it's hard not to resent sometimes, especially when you're infertile.

DH is off to a bachelor party this weekend and so I'll be flying solo here. I usually like some "alone time", but right now it doesn't sound that appealing. In any case, I'm sure I'll keep myself busy!

Olympics

As promised, here's a little recap of our Olympic adventure. We spent 4 days in Vancouver and saw 4 events - short tracking skating, men's ski aerials and 2 hockey games. Vancouver is an awesome town. There are tons of cute neighborhoods, a great public transportation system, lots of fun places to go out for food & drinks, and it's beautiful. It was fairly rainy the whole time we were there so we didn't do quite as much walking as we normally do when exploring a city. But, we visited some of the cool public markets, took a ferry and hung out amidst all the crazy Canadian fans. I loved being so close to the Olympic spirit. It was fun to see fans from countries all over the world. We bought a big American flag to cheer at all the events. The Canadian fans had so much spirit and so many costumes too! Of course, seeing the athletes in action was incredible - not only their athletic abilities but their mental stamina.

Here's a few shots.

Apolo Ohno at the start of the 500m prelims. He looked smooth...



I developed some love for the Olympic mascots - Quatchi (my favorite and the one in the middle), Sumi & Miga.


The Olympic torch. You could wait in line for an hour to get a "better" view, but we skipped that part.


The U.S. completely dominating Finland in the semi-final hockey game. It was 6-0 after 13 minutes! My husband was in a state of bliss.


Jeret "Speedy" Peterson getting the Silver medal in the men's aerials after he successfully landed "the Hurricane" - 3 flips, 5 twists - CRAZY stuff.


Overall, an excellent time. Happy Sunday to all.

IUI Not Good

I'm sorry to report that today's IUI sucked.

1. The procedure started over 45 minutes late.

2. The Dr. that did my procedure (not my primary Dr. at the clinic) has a crappy bedside manner, which aggravated all of the following.

3. The sperm sample was an all time worst for us. Motility was around 20% and it's typically been right around 50%. And, the overall sperm count was a little less than 10mm, when "normal" is 40mm or more. I'm looking at previous reports and the numbers have never been below 40mm. To make matters worst, the Dr. reported this in passing....like, "btw, your sperm sample sucks". We were in a bit of disbelief.

4. I asked her if they were going to look at my lining again given that it was so thin on Sunday. She said that it wouldn't really matter because it wouldn't change this protocol and my primary Dr. is going to change next month's plan anyway. It seemed like she thought this cycle was a bust already. So why did we spend the money and go through with the procedure?

5. My husband got really angry and upset about the test results and that just made things more stressful.

6. I asked her a few other questions and she was just not nice about them. Not comforting. Not helpful. As I laid back on the table I just tried not to cry.

So, ugh. Not fun and not what I had hoped for. I just can't handle much more of this stuff. I already want to go back to my old Dr. but I need to stick it out at this clinic for awhile.

I promise a more upbeat report (olympics, etc.) soon!

Getting back into the swing of blogging

This is the first time I've looked at blogs in a week or so. I feel so in the dark about what's going on with everyone. I'll be getting caught up over the rest of the week.

I'm back from a ski trip followed by our trip to Vancouver for the Olympics. It was so great. I will post some pictures and commentary this weekend.

Our IUI procedure is tomorrow (CD15). I had an U/S on Sunday and while I had two large follicles my lining sucked at 5mm. I have probably had at least a dozen mid-cycle ultrasounds over the years and my lining has never been less than 7mm, so WTF? It may just confirm that me and Clomid are not friends (the last and only time I took it was 3 years ago and I had a messed up cycle and leftover cysts that lasted for months). Anyway, we're going ahead with things so keep your fingers crossed! I'm feeling extremely sane right now but I'm sure that will change during the 2WW.

A week or so I got my first mammogram. My Dr. wanted me to do it because there is some elevated risk of breast cancer if you've had miscarriages but not a live birth and are 35 (or something like that). I went into it having heard about how they smash your boobs like pancakes and expected it to be uncomfortable. And, it was. As the technician was wrestling my breast into the ideal position I could not help but say out loud..."oh....wow".. it hurts! Anyway, everything looked good. So, I got that going for me.

Looking out towards these next few weeks, I'm wishing for some calm and work and at home. Work has been too busy lately. And, DH and I have been dealing with stupid but stressful issues such as - we lost our passports and had to figure out and pay for last-minute ones to get to Canada - we're having car problems - we got a new washer/dryer installed but the installers created a gas leak - etc. Make it stop. Infertility is enough stress. So, here's to a March filled with fun, laziness and good karma.