8+ Months

Just a quick update. Life with the babies is fantastic. They are big and healthy and happy.

This is today's milestone - it's gonna get interesting around here!

Life is good. Seriously, I feel blessed everyday to have these little wonders. Yes, my work is more stressful and time intensive than I'd like it to be. Yes, having twins isn't the best thing for the social life and marriage. But, we're doing great.

Almost 6 Months

It has been forever since I've posted. Things are going REALLY well for us. Z & L will be six months old in just over a week. They are such happy babies and give us endless smiles. I am honestly surprised at how doable it's been. I am lucky that I had wonderful help during the early months and my husband is super involved. And, of course, we have healthy babies. I think being super organized is one of the keys to raising twins and luckily that fits our style! It's like a fun challenge to synchronize their schedules, find the best gear, take them on outings, etc. Also, we don't try and do too much. We are so content just spending the weekend around the house and neighborhood. We used to travel all the time on weekends, but now is our time to "nest".

Being a mom is a powerful thing. It is just incredible how in love I am with my babies. I was one of those people who was not into other people's babies. I had really never spent much time around babies. But, as soon as my little bundles of joy entered the world, it was another story. And, now, I don't think I'll ever be able to resist holding other people's babies. They're just so precious.

Like anyone, of course I'm still seeking balance. I wish I didn't work 50 hours a week and could be with them more often. I do miss working out. However, I'm still doing some stuff. I signed up for a sprint triathlon and a half marathon later this year ! I also miss all the one on one time with my hubby. Our sex life = not so great. But, I'm hopeful it will improve once I'm done nursing.

And, as happy as I am, at times I still feel the pain of all our years of struggle. I still feel the sting now and then when people get pregnant easily or when people tell us we are so "efficient" in instantaneously having a family. I know that I am forever changed by that time...and it took an irreversible toll on me and many of my friendships. Infertility is so hard. It sucks so, so much. But, I know it has made me a better person and mom - I am sure of that.

I'm posting a couple pictures of the little ones and a few of the day to day details.

Eating
Breastfeeding ended up working amazingly well for me. I tandem feed (i.e. feed them at the same time) using my big green pillow (double My Breast Friend). Man, I have spent a lot of hours with that thing!! I started supplementing with a little formula around 4 months and am now weening myself away from feeding. It has been such a blessing to be able to nurse them but I am excited to have my body back to myself. Between trying to get pregnant, being pregnant and nursing, it's been about 5 years since I've had my body "all to me".

We introduced solids around 5 months and they are loving it! So far - avocado, sweet potato, barley cereal, pear and peas. Z can hardly contain his excitement around meal time!

They are little chubsters, both 75th percentile or so in terms of weight. We take them in next week and around expecting them to be around 18lbs!

Sleeping
About 50% of the time, they both sleep through the night. We put them to be around 7pm and then do a "dream feed" around 10am. After this, they don't eat until 6am. Some nights are better than others but it is very rare that we are up more than 20 minutes in a night. They are also napping pretty well during the day (1 morning and 1 afternoon nap).

Other Stuff
They giggle and it is the best sound in the world
They are rolling all over the place but no crawling or sitting yet
I adore picking out their little outfits :)


Hugs to all!!

3 Month Update

Life with the twins is wonderful. Somehow I manage to love them more and more each day. I have been told by almost everyone that I'm one of the most relaxed new mothers they've ever seen. I chalk much of this up to my years of struggling to just have these kids. It's hard for me to be stressed out when I finally got what I wanted for so long.

Zach and Lexi have been growing like weeds. At the 2-month checkup they were both in the 90th percentile for weight. They now smile a lot and are more and more interactive. The nights are still a little rough but certainly much easier than the initial weeks.

Some fun pictures are below. Love and hugs to all!

Introducing Zach and Lexi!!

Sorry for the delay but, as you might imagine, having newborn twins is quite time consuming....

On December 13, Zach and Lexi came into this world. Zach arrived at 12:52pm and weighed 6lbs14oz. Lexi arrived at 12:54pm and weighed 6lbs12oz (two big babies!!). We spent four days in the hospital recovering from the c-section but have been home two weeks now. Thankfully, we've had lots of help from family and friends.

Needless to say I think they are beautiful and amazing. They are both healthy as can be and growing like weeds. Thus far, I've been able to nurse them both. We're sleep deprived and stressed at times, but loving every moment. I stare at them every day in disbelief and awe.

Happy New Year to all!! Sending all of you hugs.

Tomorrow I'll be a Mom

I have a c-section scheduled for 12:15pm tomorrow. I'm 38 weeks now, which is full-term (or beyond) for twins. I've been trying to "get these babies out" for the last couple weeks but they are just loving it in my tummy. I and others cannot believe the size of my belly! And, I think my uterus is so stretched out that it doesn't really work (i.e contract) anymore. Finally, the little girl (baby B) has moved from a vertex/head down position to a transverse/horizontal position. Therefore, my Dr. wants to do a c-section. While that's not my first choice, I'm totally fine with it. There are so many risks and issues that happen with twin pregnancies and I really haven't had any of them. So, I'm not going to fret about having a c-section. All I want are healthy babies.

Several people have remarked about how calm I seem about the uncertainty, the waiting and fact that my life is about to get crazy. Part of that stems from my personality but I think our years of struggling with infertility are largely behind my attitude. First, infertility teaches you that you have NO control over these type of matters. I learned to live with uncertainty and I learned the futility of trying to control things of this nature. Second, having struggled for four years to get to this point makes it very hard to have any frustrations or anger about my current aches and pains, etc. I still feel blessed and in wonder every single day. So, am I nervous? Yep. I'm scared that the babies won't be perfectly healthy. I'm scared of breastfeeding, of getting no sleep, of post-partum depression and of all sorts of other things. But, I don't dwell on these fears and I will conquer them as they arise. For now, I'm focusing on enjoying the final stages of this journey. I can't wait to hold those two little bundles of joy in my arms.

34 Weeks

I'm 34 weeks today. I'm still working full-time, getting out occasionally and, importantly, not on bedrest. At 36 weeks, the twins are considered full term and thus they won't put me on bedrest after that point. So, things are looking good on that front.

On Wednesday, I went in for a weekly "non-stress test". The babies were looking good but they said my uterus was contracting and send us straight over to OBGYN triage. The hooked us back up and the nurse was convinced that I was in labor and the babies would be arriving shortly. It was a bit of a "wake up call". We weren't overly stressed out but we kept looking at each other thinking "holy shit this is actually going to happen!". In the end, the did a fetal fibronectin test which came back negative meaning that I am not likely to go into pre-term labor (in the next 1-2 weeks). So, again, I seem to have a good shot at making it to the 36 week mark.

My OBGYN scheduled a c-section on December 13. In my ideal world, I'd like these two to arrive a week or so before that. But, we will be happy to matter what. I am also hoping to avoid a c-section. Currently, both babies are vertex (head down) so a c-section may not be necessary. But, it will be a game-time decision. I am not feeling stressed out about the delivery process - I don't have any strong expectations and all I care about is having healthy babies. The pain doesn't scare me as it seems minute compared to all the struggles we've endured to get to this point.

I'm just feeling really mellow these days...I hope my emotions continue to stay in check and that the days go by fairly quickly. Ok - off to watch the movie "paranormal activity" - it's supposed to be scary!

An Overdue Update

Hello Folks!

I haven't posted in ages but I'm doing really well. Today, I am 31 weeks pregnant. While we've settled on official names for our boy and girl, for now we've dubbed them Earl & Pearl. It's going to be hard to keep their real names a secret but we're going to try.

My belly is HUGE....people think "it must be any day now", but I have up to seven more weeks. I can almost constantly feel the twins moving around which is pretty fun. While I'm tired and large and don't feel all that good much of the time, I am so, so happy to be in this place. I just keep taking it one day at a time. I haven't had any serious complications nor any signs of pre-term labor. I've been bracing myself for a difficult pregnancy but so far I can't complain. We go in on Wednesday for another ultrasound and our first "non-stress" test. Starting next week, I have one to two Dr. appointments per week. As much as this is a "heavy load", I want the little ones to stay in there as long as possible. Here is a belly shot from a couple weeks ago....

A few friends through me a baby shower last weekend. I had mixed feelings about a shower because I had come to truly, truly dread them during our 4 year quest to conceive. So, at my request, my friends through a couples shower that was basically a cocktail party - no games or activities and we opened gifts in the background as the party went on. For me, that was perfect.

Over the next few weeks, we're trying to get totally ready for Earl & Pearl to arrive. All the major pieces for the nursery have been assembled but we still have lots of stuff to organize. I've go a big "to do" list and we'll be crossing things off this weekend and next. It's crazy to think that in 5 weeks (at 36 weeks), these little ones will be considered full term. It seems both close and far away.

So, that's the update from me. Wishing everyone a good weekend. Go Giants!!

Pinching Myself

It has been a very long time since I've posted. I've still been perusing blogs, but less and less. It's a strange feeling...I miss the interaction but it's nice to not feel the need to blog. I feel guilty about "leaving" the blogging world but so happy to move on. I hope you all know that my thoughts are still with you. I will never forget what it's like to be infertile or to suffer losses. I've had friends ask me if all my years of trying seem miles away and it takes me about .2 seconds to say "absolutely not". I've still got scars, pain, anger, resentment, sadness, etc......but I am healing.

Which brings me to the good news.....we're going to have a boy and a girl! And, at 20 weeks, they are both looking perfectly healthy. We've passed all the genetic testing and ultrasounds. It's unbelievable and amazing. I have shed some of my first tears of joy over the last week just realizing how real this is becoming (up until now, I really haven't shed many tears of joy because I've been so cautious). I feel a sense of redemption.

So, I'm finally in full baby planning mode - equipment, help, etc. It's fun and overwhelming to be here.

16 Weeks

Well, I wanted the Dutch to win the world cup but they just couldn't pull it off today.... and I just ate HUGE crepe filled with bananas & Nutella. Wow, it was so rich that I feel like I need to drink a gallon of water.

Anyway, I have not been feeling very inspired to blog lately. I think I'll be somewhat "fading out" of the blogosphere, but I still love following those on my blog roll, and I always appreciate the comments from those still reading my occasional posts.

I'm now 16 weeks and the bump is out! Our ultrasound on Wednesday went well and we found out that there is a BOY in there! The other baby was not showing us the goods, so we'll have to wait to find out that one's gender for another month. I've had so many people (mostly fertiles) tell me that I should let it be a surprise. But, per my last post, I am so OVER uncertainty. I want to know everything I can.

We started getting a few gifts this past week and it is all becoming increasingly real. I'm still putting them in a bag..in a closet..but it's fun to start assembling some little, cute things! I think after week 20 we are going to start doing our own shopping.

In the near term, I've got a very busy week planned (probably too busy). We've got dinner out with friends, a musical on Wednesday, a girls night on Thursday and we drive to Tahoe for the weekend on Friday. I'm doing the swim leg of a triathlon relay up there which should be fun. I've been swimming a few times a week and it feels awesome. In fact, I'm off to the pool right now...

Forever Unexplained

Recently, the most important question in my mind got answered. It's possible for me to get and stay pregnant. After years of wondering if I ever get here, this seems unbelievable and amazing.

Through our four years of efforts, we were never given any reason why we should have a hard time. The diagnosis was "unexplained infertility". All our tests came back looking good. I responded well to all the treatments (well, except Clomid). The endometriosis they found was mild. The blasts they transferred in IVF were high quality. The miscarriages I had were "bad luck". My first RE suspected "egg quality", but this was never confirmed. My second RE didn't have a diagnosis but was "optimistic". The "unexplained" diagnosis is incredibly frustrating. If nothing is "wrong", why isn't it "right"?

There were so many times I questioned if we should give up, but with no evidence to suggest that something was wrong, we kept moving forward - through doubt, disappointment and heartbreak. As time went by, I could tell that some of my friends and family thought we should move on to adoption or an egg donor. We were thinking about it, but we kept postponing that and continued on - confused, crushed, but somehow with a little bit of hope.

And, now I find myself over 14 weeks pregnant with twins. It's awesome. But, it's still so confusing. I still have so many questions...

• Did going to the new RE help, even though I had tried the drug and IUI at my first clinic?
  
• Did the last seven months of therapy and blogging matter? It helped me resolve some stuff but was my mental state preventing us from success?
  
• Did the laparoscopy 10 months before the IUI procedure make the difference (two of my three pregnancies were post-laparascopy)?
• Why did IUI work after all this time and after more aggressive treatments like IVF failed?
• Why did I get pregnant once from IVF (frozen), once naturally, and once from IUI, but never from a fresh IVF cycle when the chances were highest?
• Did my relatively new acupuncturist help?
  
• Do I have an egg quality issue? If not, what made getting here so damn hard?
  
• How on earth did I produce two "good eggs" when dozens in the past had been duds?
  
• Were the miscarriages really just "bad luck"?
  
• Did it help that I went wine tasting after the IUI procedure that worked!? (yep, I did - something i never would have done early on in our efforts)
  

I could go on and on. There are just so many questions that will never be answered. If I wanted to get pregnant again, I'm not sure what path I would take. If I was asked to give advice to someone with similar experiences to my own, I wouldn't have many confident things to say. I hated when people told me "it will happen" eventually, so I definitely wouldn't say that. I guess I would say that it's good try all the options, to get a second opinion and get some emotional support (in whatever way works best) - but that doesn't seem like enough.

Again, I am so thankful to have "the big question" answered. It makes all the difference. But, it still sucks for all our struggles to be forever unexplained...

Second Trimester Here I .Come!!

I am three days into my second trimester and very happy to be here. However, that doesn't mean I don't still question the fact that I'm actually pregnant multiple times a day. The days go by so slowly.

In terms of recent developments:

• I'm still feeling like crap much of the time, but that's ok. I'm shoving less junk food into my mouth but still too much.
• My pants are getting quite tight. I can't quite get up the nerve to go shopping for maternity clothes but I'll get there. I can see my "bump" and had my husband take a picture, but I don't think it really shows in the photo :(
  
• My boobs are enormous! I knew that my 34C was too small so I went in today to get fitted for a new size. And, what was it? 34 DDD ....triple D's. holy crap!
  
• We've shared our news with a bunch of friends and co-workers. It's been really amazing to finally be out in the open. It was especially touching to tell my friends who know about our struggles over the last 4 years. There were friends that screamed with excitement, friends that shed tears of joy, friends that got goosebumps, etc. It's all sort of surreal and unbelievable.
  

I've been thinking a lot about writing a post on my lingering frustrations with the uncertainty surrounding our IF. While we are now in a great place, there are still so many unanswered questions. So, hopefully I'll come up with something coherent before too long.

Finally, my heart aches for a few fellow bloggers who recently had miscarriages, and others that have been getting unwanted news during cycles, etc. I just want everyone to escape the hell of IF and loss...it's all so unfair.

Pictures!

Yesterday's ultrasound went well! I was 12w2d and the little ones were measuring at 12w6d and 13w. It turns out that they liked the food in Italy as much as I did :) I'm delighted that they are ahead of schedule but thinking they better slow down because there's only so much room in my tummy! In any case, the ultrasound technician took a bunch of other measurements and views (described below) and everything looks great. Here are the beautiful pictures. I haven't been able to bring myself to give them cute names but they are labeled AAA and BBB.

With the first trimester about behind us, we are finally starting to spread the word. We told our parents last night and it was a lot of fun to hear the surprise and joy in their voices.

So, overall, things are going really well. But, since I can still use my blog to vent:

1. The morning sickness is getting real, real old. I think I may be getting some of my energy back, but I still fell nauseated a LOT. I'm hopeful that it will abate by 14 weeks..but I've read that it may run longer for twin pregnancies.

2. My fertile friends are still annoying me. We had some friends over for lunch last Saturday. They got married a little over a year ago and I have just been waiting for them to announce that they're pregnant. Well, now they are. Given that I am too (although I didn't tell them), the news was easier to take. But, the conversation that followed irked me. This friend know we've been trying for years - I haven't confided in her a lot, but she knows we've tried everything over the yeras, that I've had more than one miscarriage and that I broke out in tears during her engagement party because there was so much baby talk (man, that sucked). Anyway, she proceeded to tell me she was nervous about having a baby ....not excited, or blessed, or anything good. And, she told me she would not recommend morning sickness to anyone - that it was a terrible thing to go through. These were very honest comments and I appreciate that, but I just think she should of prefaced it with something like, "we feel very lucky but..." or "we're really excited but..." If you know someone has faced heartbreak and anguish trying to get there...would you complain about it to them? Anyway, I know she didn't mean anything bad...she has a ton on her mind and just a clueless fertile person (like so many others!).

Lastly, for those that wanted more details on the ultrasound I had as part of the integrating screening for genetic testing..... First, it took almost a full hour (but would probably take 30 min for one fetus). The machine was very powerful and could really zoom in. The technician very carefully measured the crown-to-rump from various angles (much more than previous scans I'd had). She also confirmed that there are two arms, two legs, and that the brain has two hemispheres. She showed us the stomach (a little black spot in their bellies), and she took many measurements of the amount of fluid behind the neck (nuchal fold I think). Lots of fluid can be a sign of down syndrome, etc. She took a lot of these measurements and I was getting very nervous that something was wrong, but I think they are just very thorough, because when she gave us the results they were just fine (she wanted to see less than 3mm and they were around 1.6mm). So, overall it was cool because we got to see a lot more detail...and of course, confirmed that all looks good.

Back

We got back from Italy on Tuesday night and I'm starting to get settled back in. Going back to work on Weds to Fri was not so fun, but I did it. Italy was lovely. It was a good mix of city time (Rome & Florence) and being out in the middle of nowhere (Tuscan countryside). We saw some great art, ate very well (can you say carbo loading?), wandered a lot and got plenty of sleep. In the countryside, we did some gorgeous hikes through vineyards and little hilltop towns. Everything was so green & beautiful.

It was great to get away, but it's not as if I was able to stop thinking about this pregnancy. As much as I wanted the vacation to last, I celebrated the end of each day - each day closer to the end of the first trimester. I was definitely nervous that I'd start bleeding and have to navigate the hospital system in Italy. But, I had no scares and plenty of morning sickness, so I guess I feel good about that. I will say that it was a bit of torture for me not to partake in any wine while in Italy. I got a lot of blank stares from waiters when I said I didn't want any wine. Even in my state of nausea, I practically drooled as I walked by couples sharing a bottle of wine of lunch or dinner. I love that mellow wine buzz and I could so use one... :) But, obviously, it's worth it and I feel so blessed to be where we are.

I am 12 weeks pregnant today. Wow. The miscarriage risk should be quite small now but, of course, I still google things like "miscarriage at 12 weeks" and find terrible and heartbreaking stories. We have an ultrasound on Monday as part of our integrated screening for down syndrome, etc. If that goes well, I think we're going to "go public" with our news. Crazy. I have been dreaming of that day for so long.

So, going into this next ultrasound, I'm as hopeful as I've ever been. I've had no spotting, plenty of morning sickness and have gained 5 pounds...and I think I have an emerging bump. I am just hoping and praying that the little ones are doing well in there. I love them so....

More Smiling

I just came from a 9w5d ultrasound it the little ones are both measuring at 10w0d!! The heartbeats are 150 and 176 and I even got to hear them. That was incredible. While finding out that everything is progressing perfectly was the highlight, I am almost equally ecstatic that the ultrasound was NOT vaginal. Let me repeat (scream from the roof), NOT vaginal. How awesome is that!!?? Seriously, I have had that lubricated wand inserted in me so many times over the last few years.

So, needless to say, I am feeling a rush of relief and renewed hope. I had an appointment at the OBGYN on Monday but it was uneventful. They just gave me the do's and dont's, etc. But, happily, they scheduled me for the ultrasound today. I'm leaving tomorrow morning for a 10-day trip to Italy (!) so I will be offline. .When we come back, I have an ultrasound and genetic screening at 12w2d. If that all goes well, we'll start sharing the news (we still haven't told our parents, etc.).

I'm obviously pumped for the trip. When we planned the trip, I was planning on drinking large quantities of italian wine, but that's not going to happen. I will however be eating a TON of pasta and pizza. And, I am very excited to get lots of sleep and live life at a leisurely pace. I would really love my morning sickness to abate a little (of course, if it does, I'll probably freak out).

So, arrivederci, ciao, etc.!! I hope when I return there is lots of good news to catch up on.

Guilt & Hope

Hello ICLWers!

I am behind in posting this and in commenting this month. I have full-on morning sickness (this is a happy thing) and there are many hours of the day in which I just can't seem to get off the couch. So, while I'm feeling good this morning, I'm going to blog away.

I'm currently 9w1d pregnant with twins from an IUI cycle! This is a miracle to me because we've been trying for years and have had failed IVF's, miscarriages, etc.

There's two things on my mind today.

1. It feels weird to write positive posts about being pregnant. I know I "deserve" to be where I am. I know it's "my time". But, I can't help feeling guilty about it when there are still so many others struggling. I know others are happy for me, but I feel like I might be adding just a little pain and hurt to those who are still trying - and that kills me. I want to provide hope and not sadness, but I know for me, it was always bittersweet to hear about pregnancies (not just sweet). So, I'm not apologizing, but I'm acknowledging my guilt.

2. I'm still very nervous. In some ways, I feel like our chances are getting really good and in just a few short weeks we'll be past the "danger zone". But, I continue to doubt that this is really going to work. I am holding back on my happiness. I have now told a couple very close friends about the pregnancy and one of them was so happy she was screaming and tearing up. I realized that she was experiencing a more pure, uninhibited joy than I feel. But, I just can't get there yet. My other friend starting asking me all sorts of questions about the delivery, child-care, etc., and I also can't possibly think about that stuff yet. All I can think about is getting through the next few weeks. Day by day.....

Ok, now to the commenting...

A Happy Ultrasound

I reached another milestone yesterday - a happy ultrasound visit!! I didn't hear "there's no heartbeat" or "there's no reason to worry ...yet". Instead, I heard the word "perfect" several times and saw many smiles from the three medical professionals in the room. It felt surreal. I don't even remember half of what went on because I felt like I was in a dream. Luckily, the ultrasound pictures captured all the details.

It appears the twins are in a neck and neck competition to be "ahead". One was 19mm and the other is 20mm, and they both had a heartrate of 176. I already love them so much and am just hoping and praying they continue to grow. The days are still going by very slowly but our confidence and excitement level is increasing. I still can't help thinking about stories of miscarriages at 10 and 12 weeks, but I know that with each good visit, my chances improve.

With that ultrasound, I have "graduated" from the RE's office. I have my first OBGYN appointment on Monday so I'll get a little more info then (they are not planning to do an ultrasound but will listen for the heartbeats).

Otherwise, I'm just trying to take it day by day, finding comfort in McDonald's french fries, jelly bellies, and such. I feel so blessed to be at this point.

I Puked

The morning sickness is in full force. For the first time, I prayed to the porcelain gods (i.e. threw up) last night. It was nasty and I felt awful before, during and after. But, for this long-time infertile, it was like reaching a milestone. A part of me is actually happy about it. But I have to say, I think once is enough.

I'm looking forward to a weekend of rest. I'm going to try and get a few errands done, but mostly I'll be lounging. Today = 8 weeks.

Make the Days Go Faster Please!

The days are going by ever so slowly. Today I am 7w3d pregnant. That means it's been a little over 3 weeks since I found out about this pregnancy but it seems like it's been an eternity! I feel like if I can make it to 10 weeks I'll start to relax a bit (famous last words!), but that still feels so far away.

Physically, I feel pretty darn awful. I basically feel hungover almost all the time (I don't get headaches when I'm hungover, I just feel tired, awful and like I might puke). It's been tough to get through a few days at work. And, I night I just look forward to sleeping. I am craving salt, grease and junk food - give me nachos, pizza and french fries. So far tonight I've had chips and queso with a side of strawberries :) I read that it's common to put on a decent amount of weight in the 1st trimester of a twin pregnancy. I might be on the way with my choice of diet these days... In any case, I am NOT complaining. I would not trade it for the world.

Emotionally, I am up and down. I overanalyze my symptoms (e.g. i'm not peeing as much anymore! I feel a little less sick! Are my boobs really bigger or am I just imagining it!). There are certain moments where I am just gripped by fear. If I miscarry...

• The emptiness will be so vast that I'll be lost
  
• I won't be able to look my husband in the eyes
• I have no idea what our next steps will be but this may be the end of our efforts to conceive with our own DNA
  
• I'll become even more bitter and isolated than I've already become
  

I know I shouldn't focus on this stuff but how can I not? How can I be optimistic when nothing about infertility or pregnancy has gone right for us in the last 4 years? I'm trying. I really am. I am excited and hopeful but I am terrified of the next few weeks.

Twins It Is

That's right. We saw two little heartbeats at our 6w3d ultrasound today. And, our estimated due date was confirmed as Christmas Day. Needless to say, we are overjoyed. Would I rather have one than two? Yes. Would I pick Christmas Day as my due date? No. But, wow, am I smiling inside. What a blessing.

I have been so nervous in the recent days and weeks. When I put my legs up on the stirrups today, they were shaking like crazy. Then, I couldn't see the screen so I just watched the Dr's face which showed no sign of emotion. However, when he said, "are you ready for this?", I knew it was twins.

The stats on the little guys:
#1 - 5mm CRL, heartrate = 127
#2 - 5mm CRL, heartrate = 114

I am just in a state of wonder that two eggs/embryos have made it to this point. We've done IVF twice and of over 20 embryos (9 blasts) only one has made it this far. Not to mention how many other cycles we've done over the last 4 years. The "odds" just don't make any sense - but I'm not complaining.

So, now we wait another 2 weeks until the next u/s. I have been hit by morning sickness pretty hard. I felt truly awful yesterday and am really starting to favor junk food.

We're still not going to share this with folks IRL. We're still just too scared to get others' hopes up. We made it to a HB with our first pregnancy before the loss, and so I most definitely do not feel "out of the woods". I just really need to focus on taking it day by day and not thinking about what will happen if we lose these little miracles. I just don't know what I would do. I don't even know what path we would take knowing that we had lost 4 babies....

Thanks to all of you for your support. I noticed that I've lost a few followers in the last week. I'm guessing that's because I'm pregnant, and hopefully not because I wrote something offensive. It feels kind of sad to lose followers but I completely get it. But, for those of you still following - please stick around for the first trimester if you can - I feel like I have a long way to go.

Waiting

I've been thinking about what to write in the post and I can't come up with anything coherent. The days are passing ever so slowly. I'm incredibly thankful and happy to be pregnant, but I am feeling so, so cautious.

Our trip to NYC was a good one. We went to the wedding of a very good friend of my husband. I love weddings - love seeing the bride & groom beaming, love the service, love the dancing..and typically love the cocktails as well. I didn't know many folks at this wedding and my fun factor definitely could have benefited from some booze but c'est la vie - I'm not complaining. DH told everyone that I had been sick (which is actually true), so that provided a backdrop for the no drinking and the early departures (1am was an "early" departure). I'm finally kicking this horrendous cold.

After the wedding festivities, we went out to see my brother and sister in law. She is about 25 weeks pregnant. We didn't tell them about my pregnancy. In fact, we still haven't told anyone. They had one of those "miracle" pregnancies. She is 39 and the RE's told her that she had a 1-2% chance by trying naturally, a somewhat higher chance with IUI, and that her egg count was too low for IVF. But, of course, they got pregnant naturally. As they were sharing their story, they told me how much they had endured. And, I had a very weak moment. I sort of rolled my eyes and said something to the effect of "yeah, believe me, we've had a lot worse than you". It was the jealousy speaking. They knew we'd been struggling for years and have never acknowledged that. They were supposed to have low chances and got pregnant with 8 months of starting. We haven't been diagnosed with any real issues, have been trying for 4 years and have had multiple miscarriages. I know why I reacted that way but it was the wrong thing to say and not what I meant. Nobody should have to endure any of this IF shit. And, everyone's struggle is important. That night, I woke up several times thinking about how dumb, inappropriate and insensitive my comment was. I apologized to them the next day (not that they seemed upset at the time), and they said there were no hard feelings. Ugh......

So, Monday it was back to work and I'm just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. My first u/s appointment is on Tuesday. I should be 6.5 weeks at that point. I am terrified for that appointment as this is how I have found out about non-viable pregnancies in the past. These days are going slowly....but this weekend I'm going to a yoga retreat so I hope that will bring me some calm. I won't be trying out any crazy new poses but, once again, it will be good for me to be occupied.

Oh yeah - and Monday was my birthday. I'm 36. When I got married, we wanted to try for two kids by the time I was 35. Now we're begging the world to give us one by 37.