Make the Days Go Faster Please!

The days are going by ever so slowly. Today I am 7w3d pregnant. That means it's been a little over 3 weeks since I found out about this pregnancy but it seems like it's been an eternity! I feel like if I can make it to 10 weeks I'll start to relax a bit (famous last words!), but that still feels so far away.

Physically, I feel pretty darn awful. I basically feel hungover almost all the time (I don't get headaches when I'm hungover, I just feel tired, awful and like I might puke). It's been tough to get through a few days at work. And, I night I just look forward to sleeping. I am craving salt, grease and junk food - give me nachos, pizza and french fries. So far tonight I've had chips and queso with a side of strawberries :) I read that it's common to put on a decent amount of weight in the 1st trimester of a twin pregnancy. I might be on the way with my choice of diet these days... In any case, I am NOT complaining. I would not trade it for the world.

Emotionally, I am up and down. I overanalyze my symptoms (e.g. i'm not peeing as much anymore! I feel a little less sick! Are my boobs really bigger or am I just imagining it!). There are certain moments where I am just gripped by fear. If I miscarry...

• The emptiness will be so vast that I'll be lost
  
• I won't be able to look my husband in the eyes
• I have no idea what our next steps will be but this may be the end of our efforts to conceive with our own DNA
  
• I'll become even more bitter and isolated than I've already become
  

I know I shouldn't focus on this stuff but how can I not? How can I be optimistic when nothing about infertility or pregnancy has gone right for us in the last 4 years? I'm trying. I really am. I am excited and hopeful but I am terrified of the next few weeks.

I Feel Sick

I've felt sick since Monday. Over the weekend, I was still in sad and hopeless mode. I was convinced this cycle had no chance of success. Then, Monday, which was a whopping 4 days past ovulation (although I feel like the OPK was "wrong" this month), I started feeling this sick feeling that I had during my previous pregnancies. I also starting peeing a lot. I went on a google binge (wondering if the positive OPK could have meant a BFP, whether I could have ovulated super early this month, etc. et) and, by the end of the day, my mind was racing so fast I decided to do an HPT. This is VERY uncharacteristic of me. I basically never test because I can't handle the negative feedback. I just wait for AF to arrive and then curse her. And, here I was testing on day 21 of my cycle. Of course, it was negative. And, WTF was I thinking? I knew it wasn't really physically possible feel any pregnancy symptoms, much less get a positive result, but I still tried. I think I've got a case of the crazies.

Today is day 25 of my cycle (7DPO). I've continued to have the sick feeling all week. And, I've felt some twinging and and there has been a rise in pee trips. But, as real as it seems, I think I'm probably just causing myself to feel these things. Or, maybe I'm just sick....but it's a really unique feeling. I can't bring myself to test again, though. And, I'm not sure when I will. This uncertainty is a bitch!

Anyway, at least I've stopped crying daily. And, I'm off work until the 28th! We're headed to Oregon for Christmas with my parents.