Pinching Myself

It has been a very long time since I've posted. I've still been perusing blogs, but less and less. It's a strange feeling...I miss the interaction but it's nice to not feel the need to blog. I feel guilty about "leaving" the blogging world but so happy to move on. I hope you all know that my thoughts are still with you. I will never forget what it's like to be infertile or to suffer losses. I've had friends ask me if all my years of trying seem miles away and it takes me about .2 seconds to say "absolutely not". I've still got scars, pain, anger, resentment, sadness, etc......but I am healing.

Which brings me to the good news.....we're going to have a boy and a girl! And, at 20 weeks, they are both looking perfectly healthy. We've passed all the genetic testing and ultrasounds. It's unbelievable and amazing. I have shed some of my first tears of joy over the last week just realizing how real this is becoming (up until now, I really haven't shed many tears of joy because I've been so cautious). I feel a sense of redemption.

So, I'm finally in full baby planning mode - equipment, help, etc. It's fun and overwhelming to be here.

16 Weeks

Well, I wanted the Dutch to win the world cup but they just couldn't pull it off today.... and I just ate HUGE crepe filled with bananas & Nutella. Wow, it was so rich that I feel like I need to drink a gallon of water.

Anyway, I have not been feeling very inspired to blog lately. I think I'll be somewhat "fading out" of the blogosphere, but I still love following those on my blog roll, and I always appreciate the comments from those still reading my occasional posts.

I'm now 16 weeks and the bump is out! Our ultrasound on Wednesday went well and we found out that there is a BOY in there! The other baby was not showing us the goods, so we'll have to wait to find out that one's gender for another month. I've had so many people (mostly fertiles) tell me that I should let it be a surprise. But, per my last post, I am so OVER uncertainty. I want to know everything I can.

We started getting a few gifts this past week and it is all becoming increasingly real. I'm still putting them in a bag..in a closet..but it's fun to start assembling some little, cute things! I think after week 20 we are going to start doing our own shopping.

In the near term, I've got a very busy week planned (probably too busy). We've got dinner out with friends, a musical on Wednesday, a girls night on Thursday and we drive to Tahoe for the weekend on Friday. I'm doing the swim leg of a triathlon relay up there which should be fun. I've been swimming a few times a week and it feels awesome. In fact, I'm off to the pool right now...

Forever Unexplained

Recently, the most important question in my mind got answered. It's possible for me to get and stay pregnant. After years of wondering if I ever get here, this seems unbelievable and amazing.

Through our four years of efforts, we were never given any reason why we should have a hard time. The diagnosis was "unexplained infertility". All our tests came back looking good. I responded well to all the treatments (well, except Clomid). The endometriosis they found was mild. The blasts they transferred in IVF were high quality. The miscarriages I had were "bad luck". My first RE suspected "egg quality", but this was never confirmed. My second RE didn't have a diagnosis but was "optimistic". The "unexplained" diagnosis is incredibly frustrating. If nothing is "wrong", why isn't it "right"?

There were so many times I questioned if we should give up, but with no evidence to suggest that something was wrong, we kept moving forward - through doubt, disappointment and heartbreak. As time went by, I could tell that some of my friends and family thought we should move on to adoption or an egg donor. We were thinking about it, but we kept postponing that and continued on - confused, crushed, but somehow with a little bit of hope.

And, now I find myself over 14 weeks pregnant with twins. It's awesome. But, it's still so confusing. I still have so many questions...

• Did going to the new RE help, even though I had tried the drug and IUI at my first clinic?
  
• Did the last seven months of therapy and blogging matter? It helped me resolve some stuff but was my mental state preventing us from success?
  
• Did the laparoscopy 10 months before the IUI procedure make the difference (two of my three pregnancies were post-laparascopy)?
• Why did IUI work after all this time and after more aggressive treatments like IVF failed?
• Why did I get pregnant once from IVF (frozen), once naturally, and once from IUI, but never from a fresh IVF cycle when the chances were highest?
• Did my relatively new acupuncturist help?
  
• Do I have an egg quality issue? If not, what made getting here so damn hard?
  
• How on earth did I produce two "good eggs" when dozens in the past had been duds?
  
• Were the miscarriages really just "bad luck"?
  
• Did it help that I went wine tasting after the IUI procedure that worked!? (yep, I did - something i never would have done early on in our efforts)
  

I could go on and on. There are just so many questions that will never be answered. If I wanted to get pregnant again, I'm not sure what path I would take. If I was asked to give advice to someone with similar experiences to my own, I wouldn't have many confident things to say. I hated when people told me "it will happen" eventually, so I definitely wouldn't say that. I guess I would say that it's good try all the options, to get a second opinion and get some emotional support (in whatever way works best) - but that doesn't seem like enough.

Again, I am so thankful to have "the big question" answered. It makes all the difference. But, it still sucks for all our struggles to be forever unexplained...

Second Trimester Here I .Come!!

I am three days into my second trimester and very happy to be here. However, that doesn't mean I don't still question the fact that I'm actually pregnant multiple times a day. The days go by so slowly.

In terms of recent developments:

• I'm still feeling like crap much of the time, but that's ok. I'm shoving less junk food into my mouth but still too much.
• My pants are getting quite tight. I can't quite get up the nerve to go shopping for maternity clothes but I'll get there. I can see my "bump" and had my husband take a picture, but I don't think it really shows in the photo :(
  
• My boobs are enormous! I knew that my 34C was too small so I went in today to get fitted for a new size. And, what was it? 34 DDD ....triple D's. holy crap!
  
• We've shared our news with a bunch of friends and co-workers. It's been really amazing to finally be out in the open. It was especially touching to tell my friends who know about our struggles over the last 4 years. There were friends that screamed with excitement, friends that shed tears of joy, friends that got goosebumps, etc. It's all sort of surreal and unbelievable.
  

I've been thinking a lot about writing a post on my lingering frustrations with the uncertainty surrounding our IF. While we are now in a great place, there are still so many unanswered questions. So, hopefully I'll come up with something coherent before too long.

Finally, my heart aches for a few fellow bloggers who recently had miscarriages, and others that have been getting unwanted news during cycles, etc. I just want everyone to escape the hell of IF and loss...it's all so unfair.

Pictures!

Yesterday's ultrasound went well! I was 12w2d and the little ones were measuring at 12w6d and 13w. It turns out that they liked the food in Italy as much as I did :) I'm delighted that they are ahead of schedule but thinking they better slow down because there's only so much room in my tummy! In any case, the ultrasound technician took a bunch of other measurements and views (described below) and everything looks great. Here are the beautiful pictures. I haven't been able to bring myself to give them cute names but they are labeled AAA and BBB.

With the first trimester about behind us, we are finally starting to spread the word. We told our parents last night and it was a lot of fun to hear the surprise and joy in their voices.

So, overall, things are going really well. But, since I can still use my blog to vent:

1. The morning sickness is getting real, real old. I think I may be getting some of my energy back, but I still fell nauseated a LOT. I'm hopeful that it will abate by 14 weeks..but I've read that it may run longer for twin pregnancies.

2. My fertile friends are still annoying me. We had some friends over for lunch last Saturday. They got married a little over a year ago and I have just been waiting for them to announce that they're pregnant. Well, now they are. Given that I am too (although I didn't tell them), the news was easier to take. But, the conversation that followed irked me. This friend know we've been trying for years - I haven't confided in her a lot, but she knows we've tried everything over the yeras, that I've had more than one miscarriage and that I broke out in tears during her engagement party because there was so much baby talk (man, that sucked). Anyway, she proceeded to tell me she was nervous about having a baby ....not excited, or blessed, or anything good. And, she told me she would not recommend morning sickness to anyone - that it was a terrible thing to go through. These were very honest comments and I appreciate that, but I just think she should of prefaced it with something like, "we feel very lucky but..." or "we're really excited but..." If you know someone has faced heartbreak and anguish trying to get there...would you complain about it to them? Anyway, I know she didn't mean anything bad...she has a ton on her mind and just a clueless fertile person (like so many others!).

Lastly, for those that wanted more details on the ultrasound I had as part of the integrating screening for genetic testing..... First, it took almost a full hour (but would probably take 30 min for one fetus). The machine was very powerful and could really zoom in. The technician very carefully measured the crown-to-rump from various angles (much more than previous scans I'd had). She also confirmed that there are two arms, two legs, and that the brain has two hemispheres. She showed us the stomach (a little black spot in their bellies), and she took many measurements of the amount of fluid behind the neck (nuchal fold I think). Lots of fluid can be a sign of down syndrome, etc. She took a lot of these measurements and I was getting very nervous that something was wrong, but I think they are just very thorough, because when she gave us the results they were just fine (she wanted to see less than 3mm and they were around 1.6mm). So, overall it was cool because we got to see a lot more detail...and of course, confirmed that all looks good.

Back

We got back from Italy on Tuesday night and I'm starting to get settled back in. Going back to work on Weds to Fri was not so fun, but I did it. Italy was lovely. It was a good mix of city time (Rome & Florence) and being out in the middle of nowhere (Tuscan countryside). We saw some great art, ate very well (can you say carbo loading?), wandered a lot and got plenty of sleep. In the countryside, we did some gorgeous hikes through vineyards and little hilltop towns. Everything was so green & beautiful.

It was great to get away, but it's not as if I was able to stop thinking about this pregnancy. As much as I wanted the vacation to last, I celebrated the end of each day - each day closer to the end of the first trimester. I was definitely nervous that I'd start bleeding and have to navigate the hospital system in Italy. But, I had no scares and plenty of morning sickness, so I guess I feel good about that. I will say that it was a bit of torture for me not to partake in any wine while in Italy. I got a lot of blank stares from waiters when I said I didn't want any wine. Even in my state of nausea, I practically drooled as I walked by couples sharing a bottle of wine of lunch or dinner. I love that mellow wine buzz and I could so use one... :) But, obviously, it's worth it and I feel so blessed to be where we are.

I am 12 weeks pregnant today. Wow. The miscarriage risk should be quite small now but, of course, I still google things like "miscarriage at 12 weeks" and find terrible and heartbreaking stories. We have an ultrasound on Monday as part of our integrated screening for down syndrome, etc. If that goes well, I think we're going to "go public" with our news. Crazy. I have been dreaming of that day for so long.

So, going into this next ultrasound, I'm as hopeful as I've ever been. I've had no spotting, plenty of morning sickness and have gained 5 pounds...and I think I have an emerging bump. I am just hoping and praying that the little ones are doing well in there. I love them so....

More Smiling

I just came from a 9w5d ultrasound it the little ones are both measuring at 10w0d!! The heartbeats are 150 and 176 and I even got to hear them. That was incredible. While finding out that everything is progressing perfectly was the highlight, I am almost equally ecstatic that the ultrasound was NOT vaginal. Let me repeat (scream from the roof), NOT vaginal. How awesome is that!!?? Seriously, I have had that lubricated wand inserted in me so many times over the last few years.

So, needless to say, I am feeling a rush of relief and renewed hope. I had an appointment at the OBGYN on Monday but it was uneventful. They just gave me the do's and dont's, etc. But, happily, they scheduled me for the ultrasound today. I'm leaving tomorrow morning for a 10-day trip to Italy (!) so I will be offline. .When we come back, I have an ultrasound and genetic screening at 12w2d. If that all goes well, we'll start sharing the news (we still haven't told our parents, etc.).

I'm obviously pumped for the trip. When we planned the trip, I was planning on drinking large quantities of italian wine, but that's not going to happen. I will however be eating a TON of pasta and pizza. And, I am very excited to get lots of sleep and live life at a leisurely pace. I would really love my morning sickness to abate a little (of course, if it does, I'll probably freak out).

So, arrivederci, ciao, etc.!! I hope when I return there is lots of good news to catch up on.