No Progress But Feeling Good

It's been awhile since I've posted. There is absolutely nothing going on with my cycle as far as I can tell. I'm not taking OPK's this cycle but I don't think I've ovulated yet. It's been over six weeks since we found out about the miscarriage. I'd like to get this cycle over with so we can get on with things!

In the mean time, I'm having a grand ole' time. I was in Vegas last weekend with my husband and friends. I didn't do much gambling, but there was a lot of laughter and a lot of vodka. This weekend, we're off to Laguna Beach for one of my best friend's wedding. I am very excited to share in the joyous occasion. Of course, whenever one of my friends gets married I think "great, now another person is going to "pass" me on the baby making route." But, oh well.

I'm feeling very mentally and emotional strong these days. I think blogging is helping me "release" my thoughts. And, reading the blogs of others has really helped me feel like I'm not alone and insane! I've also been seeing a therapist for a couple months. And, I'm starting to be more open about my fertility issues. I have shared my issues with some new people and gotten really comforting and kind responses. All of these things are helping a little with the isolation that sometimes overwhelms me. At the same time, I know the emotional roller coaster will continue.

I do still have my moments. We got an invitation to my friend's son's 2nd birthday party. I saw that we'll be out of town on that date and I sarcastically said "bummer". My husband looked at me like I was so evil. But I told him that I don't really enjoy birthday parties for kids because they just demonstrate that everyone except us has kids. No thank you.

Anyway, all in all, I'm feeling good.

Exercise - Friend or Foe?

I don't have much to report since I'm on a post-miscarriage "rest". I've been getting back into shape. I did a long run on Saturday and 70-mile bike ride on Sunday. I have a bit of an internal battle with myself about exercise and whether or not it's "good" for me. I know it's mentally great for me. And, the times that I have not exercised in the last few years have not had any good results in terms of pregnancy. In fact, I got pregnant this last time after a month of pretty intense triathlon training and then the Escape from Alcatraz triathlon. So, that made me even less cautious about working out. I don't appear to have any issues with ovulating or cycling normally, and am not too skinny, so I think it's fine. But, of course, since our infertility is unexplained, I'm always wondering if I should lead my life differently. I am signed up for the New York Marathon on Nov. 1. I'm not planning to break any records and plan to walk some of it. I just think it will be a blast to be in the midst of the crowd!! I am a sucker for that stuff. Of course, I really hope I won't be able to do it because I'll be pregnant. But, that is very, very wishful thinking.

My fortune cookie message tonight:

"Contentment is just around the corner for you. Look forward!"

I like it.

Nothing very new to report. I've been comforted by reading other IF blogs. I empathize with others and truly understand the hodgepodge of feelings that come with IF.

I've been oddly happy the last week or so. Since I'm on a "rest" period, I know I can't really do anything on IF front and there's a certain freedom that comes with that.

Still Bleeding

My Dr. gave me misoprostol two weeks ago. I bled right away and had been spotting since. Then, last weekend, much heavier flow began again. So, I guess it "didn't work" the first time. I went in for an U/S today and they said there's just a little blood left. So, shouldn't be much longer. Just a bit more of a delay than I would have liked. But, as my husband said, we are used to delays. The Dr. also saw a little cyst in my uterus that was there at my 6-week u/s. It's probably nothing but she wants to monitor it. Hmmm..... please go away little cyst!!

Anyway, despite this minor setback, I'm feeling pretty good. My 3-day San Diego trip was great - warm weather, great conversations with a dear friend, time in the ocean, lots of food & drinks, and sleep. Speaking of sleep, it's past my bedtime so I'm off.

TGIF

Phew - made it through another week. And, I have a five day weekend ahead of me. I'll be wine tasting tomorrow, biking Sunday and hanging out with my friend in San Diego (and her one month old adorable baby) on Monday through Wednesday. Wine, sun, surf, etc.... I need it.

I had an email exchange with my RE this week that was rather disconcerting. I told him that my leaning was to try naturally for a few months to see if it will work again. The good news is he agreed. The bad news is he said "I honestly do not know if we will have more success with IVF or IUI". Now, that is a downer. Basically, he's almost giving up on being able to help us. I guess I already knew that we were nearing the end of the IVF road. And, part of me is glad that there is an end to that road. But, it's scary.

What percentage of people can't be helped after two years of aggressive treatments? I am feeling in the minority here. I know there are many people who are in worse situations than me, but a whole bunch of people seem to "beat" IF. As I'm entering this blog world, I've been searching around different infertility blogs and so many of you are pregnant. That is so amazing and I certainly wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, but I feel like I'm joining a more an more "elite" club (as if it's a good thing).

Anyway, again, I'm so happy it's the weekend and I have been feeling relatively good overall. I've only broken down in tears a couple times this week. I'm still spotting which is annoying (go away!!). But, all in all, I'm dealing.

Friendships & Isolation

I have wonderful friends who make me laugh, inspire me and keep me grounded. And, several of my friendships have endured the test of time, as life is full of different stages, challenges and surprises. However, I feel my connectedness to my friends slipping away with each passing month and/or each disappointment I have suffered in recent years. Infertility is REALLY isolating.

I find it difficult to share the struggles I've had with fertility. I think some of it is because I usually don't get the reactions and/or support that I want. Friends often fall into these categories:
1. Clueless - Not trying and hasn't tried getting pregnant. Not all that interested and not aware of the depth of the issue.
2. Silent - After I confide in them, they never raise the issue again. Obviously they're not comfortable with the topic and probably are afraid to raise a tough issue.
3. "Just relax" - You just need to stop worrying about it and it will happen when it is time. It is not that big of a deal.
All of these reactions drive me kind of batty! But, I know that I probably wouldn't have been a great friend five years ago (I think I would have been the "silent" type). And, I know that my friends have only good intentions. So, in addition to feeling hurt by some of their behaviors, I then feel guilty for doing so. It's fun.

Despite this, I will continue to share for a few reasons:
1. I think it's important for people to know about infertility and to make the topic less taboo. Who knows if someone I confide in will have similar struggles someday or know someone else who does?
2. I have shared with a couple friends who have been absolutely amazing through all of this. They are supportive, understanding and comfortable talking about things with me. Just having a few amazing "fertility friends" makes all the difference.
3. When I don't share with people, I feel as though they really don't know me. I almost feel as if I'm being dishonest - and honesty is incredibly important to me. So, I just have to get it off my chest sometimes...even though it sometimes just leads to other frustrations.

I wish I didn't feel this isolation. I wish my friendships didn't have to become more complicated because of this. But, they have.

Saturday

Thank god the end of this week in nearing. It's hard to believe that just a week ago I was filled with hope & fear and now I'm just filled with emptiness. On Wednesday, my Dr. inserted misoprostel into my cervix to induce miscarriage. It seems to have worked because I started bleeding within six hours. And while it's been sad and gross, I'm glad I chose this method over another D&C. When I had a D&C last year, the Dr. only used local anesthetic and it sure didn't feel numb to me!! That was not a good experience.

I'm trying to focus on having fun but I really don't have the energy. I'm a doer and a planner but this loss just has me feeling unmotivated. However, I know, in time, I will start to feel better. My Dr. said that after one normal cycle, we can start trying again so that is good. The fact that I got pregnant naturally this last time makes me really eager to try again because maybe something has just "clicked" in my body. At the same time, I am pretty pessimistic that it will actually work. Before this pregnancy, I was starting to warm up to the ideas of donor eggs. I think I have energy for one more full IVF cycle in me (and not soon), but that is probably it.

I'm about to watch the Ventoux stage of the Tour de France. The Tour has been a good distraction during these past few weeks. Later, I am supposed to hang out with a friend of mine that is now 11 weeks pregnant. I have mixed feelings about this. I am obviously very envious of her and am not sure how I'll deal. Tomorrow, I'm going to an outdoor concert so that should be fun. I can tell you that wine will be a very important part of the picnic menu.