No Progress But Feeling Good

It's been awhile since I've posted. There is absolutely nothing going on with my cycle as far as I can tell. I'm not taking OPK's this cycle but I don't think I've ovulated yet. It's been over six weeks since we found out about the miscarriage. I'd like to get this cycle over with so we can get on with things!

In the mean time, I'm having a grand ole' time. I was in Vegas last weekend with my husband and friends. I didn't do much gambling, but there was a lot of laughter and a lot of vodka. This weekend, we're off to Laguna Beach for one of my best friend's wedding. I am very excited to share in the joyous occasion. Of course, whenever one of my friends gets married I think "great, now another person is going to "pass" me on the baby making route." But, oh well.

I'm feeling very mentally and emotional strong these days. I think blogging is helping me "release" my thoughts. And, reading the blogs of others has really helped me feel like I'm not alone and insane! I've also been seeing a therapist for a couple months. And, I'm starting to be more open about my fertility issues. I have shared my issues with some new people and gotten really comforting and kind responses. All of these things are helping a little with the isolation that sometimes overwhelms me. At the same time, I know the emotional roller coaster will continue.

I do still have my moments. We got an invitation to my friend's son's 2nd birthday party. I saw that we'll be out of town on that date and I sarcastically said "bummer". My husband looked at me like I was so evil. But I told him that I don't really enjoy birthday parties for kids because they just demonstrate that everyone except us has kids. No thank you.

Anyway, all in all, I'm feeling good.

Friendships & Isolation

I have wonderful friends who make me laugh, inspire me and keep me grounded. And, several of my friendships have endured the test of time, as life is full of different stages, challenges and surprises. However, I feel my connectedness to my friends slipping away with each passing month and/or each disappointment I have suffered in recent years. Infertility is REALLY isolating.

I find it difficult to share the struggles I've had with fertility. I think some of it is because I usually don't get the reactions and/or support that I want. Friends often fall into these categories:
1. Clueless - Not trying and hasn't tried getting pregnant. Not all that interested and not aware of the depth of the issue.
2. Silent - After I confide in them, they never raise the issue again. Obviously they're not comfortable with the topic and probably are afraid to raise a tough issue.
3. "Just relax" - You just need to stop worrying about it and it will happen when it is time. It is not that big of a deal.
All of these reactions drive me kind of batty! But, I know that I probably wouldn't have been a great friend five years ago (I think I would have been the "silent" type). And, I know that my friends have only good intentions. So, in addition to feeling hurt by some of their behaviors, I then feel guilty for doing so. It's fun.

Despite this, I will continue to share for a few reasons:
1. I think it's important for people to know about infertility and to make the topic less taboo. Who knows if someone I confide in will have similar struggles someday or know someone else who does?
2. I have shared with a couple friends who have been absolutely amazing through all of this. They are supportive, understanding and comfortable talking about things with me. Just having a few amazing "fertility friends" makes all the difference.
3. When I don't share with people, I feel as though they really don't know me. I almost feel as if I'm being dishonest - and honesty is incredibly important to me. So, I just have to get it off my chest sometimes...even though it sometimes just leads to other frustrations.

I wish I didn't feel this isolation. I wish my friendships didn't have to become more complicated because of this. But, they have.