Oh Christmas Tree

We put up our Christmas tree over the weekend. I love it, love it, love it. Unfortunately, the process was a bit more stressful/humorous than usual. First of all, I put on most of the lights and realized I had the strand going in the wrong direction! I looked at the end of the strand and though "this is not going to plug into anything". Duh! So I had to redo some work. Then, after the tree was decorated, we decided to try and get a plastic tarp under the tree. Of course, we were supposed to do that at the beginning, but we forgot. So...as soon as we tried to tilt the tree, the whole tree started falling over! I was freaking out about all my ornaments! Note that I was not worried about my husband who the tree was falling on, just my ornaments ;) Only one ended up breaking and, after many readjustments, we got the tree back upright. It still has a slight tilt, but I still love it.

My company Christmas party was Friday. Here's a picture of me and DH. I am generally very stealth about my blogging (i.e. no photos) but I decided to provide a little glimpse of us.


Anyhoo, I'm feeling good but vulnerable these days. I'm on day 14 of my cycle. I haven't gotten a positive OPK yet but for some reason I feel like I've ovulated. Maybe tomorrow. I made an appointment with a new RE for a second opinion on 1/19/10. I've started acupuncture again. My last appointment was uber relaxing. I'm taking a some herbs and trying to cut back on caffeine (even though I basically only drinking decaf anyway!). I got the ok on moderate quantities of alcohol and am happy about that one. So, I feel like I'm taking some good steps, but I also feeling a bit hopeless. I'm prone to crying episodes. Yesterday, I was driving over the Golden Gate bridge while listening to cheesy Christmas music, with tears streaming down my face.

On another note, I am so impressed by all you bloggers. Your posts and comments are so thoughtful, touching, inspiring and real. I'm very happy to "have you".

Rambing Post

Aah.....the joy of being alone in my home. My in-laws left today after a week long visit. That is just too long for me. They are kind, but they are so different than me. And, my mother in-law talks A LOT more than me. The visit just raised my stress level. Here's how it goes: (1) I get annoyed with them. (2) I get a little rough around the edges. (3) I feel stressed and guilty for parts (1) and (2). It's vicious circle! Anyway, it's over and I'm loving the feeling of having the house back to ourselves. To make the holiday extra exciting, our refrigerator stopped properly functioning on Thanksgiving morning. Nothing like waking up to a raw turkey in your 50 degree fridge! At least is wasn't warmer than that. Anyhow, were able to keep things cool enough using ice, but it wasn't ideal. And, since I've already bitched about my in-laws and our fridge, I will continue....


I had a mini meltdown last weekend. We went out for drinks with four couples we know. It was fun, but it hurt. Three of the couples have infants and one of the couples is recently married. The new parents all swapped stories. I waited in anticipation to see if my recently married friend would be drinking. Phew...she was...but how pathetic is it that I was so focused on that action? And, I kept thinking about how we started TTC before any of the other couples with kids. In fact, we have been trying to conceive since before one of the couples was even engaged. It is so not fair. I felt bitter and sad. And, what do I have to report? Nothing. I'm so tired of responding to "what have you been up to?", with "not much. we had a good weekend...blah, blah, blah", when I really feel like saying "still TTC and it sucks balls!". Two of the four couples know about our struggles, but, of course, they don't ask about it. I appreciate that people want to be sensitive around me, but every once in awhile I would like a "how are you doing with things? It must be really hard...". Anyway, I left the bar feeling pretty vulnerable. Afterward, I was supposed to meet one of my best friends, who was in town for the weekend. I called her and she told me she was to tired to come out. She also has a new baby. All I could say was "ok", and choke back the tears (she didn't know I was upset). I don't exactly know why, but I was so disappointed she wouldn't come out. I think I just feel so alone and increasingly distanced from all my friends. My friends that had trouble TTC are now pregnant or have a baby, and my formerly unhitched friends, are "flying" by me. Bottom line, I had a rough night and very puffy eyes the next day.

Happily, I've kept it together since. I'm on day 8 of my cycle so ovulation should be just around the corner.....

I'll Have Some Wine with that Turkey

AF arrived yesterday. Damn. I knew it was unlikely I'd get pregnant but it still hurts. That being said, I haven't shed a tear. I'm pretty numb to this stuff. And oddly, I often feel slightly better when I find out it's a "no" for sure. At least it puts a stop to all the wondering and over-analysis. Plus, I think it puts me in a better place hormonally. Maybe December is the month. Please, Santa?

For now, I'll be consuming lots of wine as I hang out with the in-laws. Better luck to everyone else and Happy Thanksgiving!!

Time is Going Slowly....Again

Well...I'm back to pressing on my boobs multiple times a day to see if they hurt. I feel so pathetic sometimes! I'm 13 days past the positive OPK and no signs good or bad. It feels silly to hope, but I'm hoping anyway. Even so, I'm not planning on doing a HPT in the next few days. I can't stand those things! I'm just trying to focus on other things. My in-laws arrive Tuesday and are staying with us for a week! They are great....but it will try my patience. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving cooking and short work week.

7 things

Thank you Kelly for this "award". It is my very first. And, this is the first image I've pasted into my blog. I admire all you ladies who put up fun pictures and stuff. I need to do more of that. Anyway, here are 7 things about me:

1. I love triathlons and have done a couple half-ironmans, the Escape from Alcatraz triathlon (3 times) and some others. I've tried to pull back in recent years given our IF struggles but I sneak one in each year!

2. I am the only child of two PhD's in chemistry. Nerds. I stayed away from science but opted for finance which is pretty nerdy too. I wish I had a more creative/artistic side.

3. I don't normally wear thong underwear but have found a recent soft spot for hanky pankies.

4. I hate eggs and always have. Actually, I don't really like pancakes, waffles, french toast or pastries either. On the other hand, I will happily eat italian, mexican or chinese food for breakfast.

5. I want to come back in my next life as an amazing singer (preferably a fertile one). I want to belt it out and move people to tears!

6. My husband is from Minnesota and plays ice hockey once a week. I am still trying to figure out the rules of ice hockey.

7. We went to Buenos Aires and Patagonia in February. Steak, wine, river rafting, lakes, mountains, sleep........I cried (literally) when I left.

I'm not good at "chain letters"! But, pass it on to Melissa, Cathy and hope4joy.

I hope everyone is doing well. I feel like it's been a rough week for a lot of people.

xoxo

NOT OK

I'm so sick of ambiguity, of second guessing, of worrying and hoping...

So, as I've posted before, we're trying to get pregnant "naturally" for the next few months. This could be considered the "normal" way to get pregnant. I admit it's nice to not be getting shots, ultrasounds, etc. And, maybe I should feel lucky that success is possible without intervention. But, how can I really take any comfort in where I am?

I remember crying over three years ago, the second time we used OPK's. It was our first wedding anniversary weekend and we were hoping to celebrate with some good news. I was so crushed and frustrated. We talked about how there is no way that I wouldn't be pregnant by the holidays. Yet, this is likely to be the fourth year that I don't get my Christmas wish. When I look back on those initial disappointments, it seems so naive and silly. That was nothing. At the same time, I've become so bitter and hardened by this process, that I've barely shed a tear over much worse things that have happened. I've learned to distance myself from the pain - for better or worse. I don't even remember the the exact due date from my last failed pregnancy. I just had to put the memory and hope away.

So, how am supposed to be ok with all of this? I'm still wondering how long this journey is going to last and what the path will be? I'm wondering if I'm just "wasting time" by trying naturally? I'm wondering if the glasses of wine that keep me sane are a bad idea? I'm wondering how many more awkward conversations I'm going to have with friends? I hate this.

I lead a balanced life and get to do tons of things I love. I've got great family and friends. I'm just a normal girl, trying to have a baby. But, I'm not.

TWW - Finally

I've been MIA because I was in New York all last week. It was a good visit but I'm glad to be back on the west coast.

I think I am close to ovulating so I'll be starting my TWW journey pretty soon. I'm excited to finally be at this point for the first time since June (b/c then I got pregnant and miscarried and then accidentally got pregnant (?!) and miscarried again). But, I'm also dreading all the insane thoughts that will soon invade my head as I wait for the news. I'm not that hopeful, but a little hope goes a long way!

I've been thinking a bit more about getting a second opinion (per my last blog). I was going to wait until January to think about this but I think I'll get the ball rolling sooner. It could take awhile to get in to see some Dr's. I am close to ruling out doing IVF with a RE that is out of state. It just seems like too much time and logistical difficulty. I can't imagine dealing with any more stress than already exists. And, I'd need to use at least a week of my vacation.....This may seem like messed up priorities, but I'd rather save my vacation for a real vacation, not a week of medical procedures and bedrest. I have found the vacations I've taken over the last few years ESSENTIAL in the midst of all this crap, and just don't want to give them up. Plus, in the bay area, there are several excellent clinics so I don't feel like I'd be giving up much, if anything.

On a somewhat humorous note, when I logged into Amazon the other day, it showed my "recommended" items for purchase. One of them was a package of 50 ovulation pee-sticks. Thanks, Amazon, as if it wasn't obvious to me that I need a lot of help.