December Blues

Life is kind of sucking right now. I am just sad. I saw my therapist yesterday and was basically fighting back tears the whole time. She basically told me, in many different ways, "it's ok to be sad". But I still don't want to be sad.

I did finally get a positive OPK result on day 17 (yesterday). I'm am not feeling good about this month given my mood and the fact that I ovulated a bit late. Of course we had sex to try and make things happen, but I was fighting back the tears during that too. So sexy....NOT!!!

The good news is that I know I will feel better at some point. I have to. And I will. I have rebounded before and I will do it again. I've been dealing with this for 3. 5 years and I have had many great times during that time. (Yes, I am giving myself a pep talk!)

But, for now, I feel reclusive and uninspired.

Rambing Post

Aah.....the joy of being alone in my home. My in-laws left today after a week long visit. That is just too long for me. They are kind, but they are so different than me. And, my mother in-law talks A LOT more than me. The visit just raised my stress level. Here's how it goes: (1) I get annoyed with them. (2) I get a little rough around the edges. (3) I feel stressed and guilty for parts (1) and (2). It's vicious circle! Anyway, it's over and I'm loving the feeling of having the house back to ourselves. To make the holiday extra exciting, our refrigerator stopped properly functioning on Thanksgiving morning. Nothing like waking up to a raw turkey in your 50 degree fridge! At least is wasn't warmer than that. Anyhow, were able to keep things cool enough using ice, but it wasn't ideal. And, since I've already bitched about my in-laws and our fridge, I will continue....


I had a mini meltdown last weekend. We went out for drinks with four couples we know. It was fun, but it hurt. Three of the couples have infants and one of the couples is recently married. The new parents all swapped stories. I waited in anticipation to see if my recently married friend would be drinking. Phew...she was...but how pathetic is it that I was so focused on that action? And, I kept thinking about how we started TTC before any of the other couples with kids. In fact, we have been trying to conceive since before one of the couples was even engaged. It is so not fair. I felt bitter and sad. And, what do I have to report? Nothing. I'm so tired of responding to "what have you been up to?", with "not much. we had a good weekend...blah, blah, blah", when I really feel like saying "still TTC and it sucks balls!". Two of the four couples know about our struggles, but, of course, they don't ask about it. I appreciate that people want to be sensitive around me, but every once in awhile I would like a "how are you doing with things? It must be really hard...". Anyway, I left the bar feeling pretty vulnerable. Afterward, I was supposed to meet one of my best friends, who was in town for the weekend. I called her and she told me she was to tired to come out. She also has a new baby. All I could say was "ok", and choke back the tears (she didn't know I was upset). I don't exactly know why, but I was so disappointed she wouldn't come out. I think I just feel so alone and increasingly distanced from all my friends. My friends that had trouble TTC are now pregnant or have a baby, and my formerly unhitched friends, are "flying" by me. Bottom line, I had a rough night and very puffy eyes the next day.

Happily, I've kept it together since. I'm on day 8 of my cycle so ovulation should be just around the corner.....