CD27

It's CD 27 and I absolutely hate this time of the month. I'm feeling vulnerable and insecure. I'm feeling hope and dread. I know I will feel better in a few days, even if I get a BFN. I'm not feeling any "signs". My previous BFP's were preceded by a bunch of cramping and I don't feel any of that. So, I wait for the final evidence...

On a positive note, I finally have some resolution on my former post, A Lost Friendship . Thanks to all of you for your comments on that one. You inspired me to deal with the issue directly. I wrote her an honest letter (it took a few drafts to get the right tone), and we had good talk a few days later. It felt so good to "clear the air", as I see her everyday and didn't like the resentment I felt. A favorite quote of mine - "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." It's so true, but it's hard not to resent sometimes, especially when you're infertile.

DH is off to a bachelor party this weekend and so I'll be flying solo here. I usually like some "alone time", but right now it doesn't sound that appealing. In any case, I'm sure I'll keep myself busy!

Positive & Pissed

I finally "broke down" and contacted my Dr. about the fact that my "period" is weird and never ending this month. I had been thinking my body just needed to work through this and then everything would be fine. When I told him about the bleeding and cramping he said it is not normal and wants me to come in for an ultrasound. First, he had me get an HCG test. And, it was FUCKING POSITIVE (160). Are you kidding me? It's so hard for me to get this hormone activated in my body and now it's been lingering around for 2 months post miscarriage, confusing my system. I knew I should have had the test taken sooner but Dr. didn't prescribe it and who really wants to get blood drawn to see that you're not pregnant. I do that enough when I'm actually trying to get pregnant. Oh - and in case there's any doubt, it's not possible I'm pregnant because I haven't had sex in ages given this neverending bleeding. Gotta love that too.

I think I should have had a D&C instead of taking misoprostol. I reacted better when I had the D&C - it just hurt too much. God forbid that I have a third miscarriage but I would choose D&C under sedation.

Anyway, I don't yet know what the next steps are. I'll find out today or tomorrow. What I do know is that this is causing more delays. More months of waiting to even try.