Tomorrow I'll be a Mom

I have a c-section scheduled for 12:15pm tomorrow. I'm 38 weeks now, which is full-term (or beyond) for twins. I've been trying to "get these babies out" for the last couple weeks but they are just loving it in my tummy. I and others cannot believe the size of my belly! And, I think my uterus is so stretched out that it doesn't really work (i.e contract) anymore. Finally, the little girl (baby B) has moved from a vertex/head down position to a transverse/horizontal position. Therefore, my Dr. wants to do a c-section. While that's not my first choice, I'm totally fine with it. There are so many risks and issues that happen with twin pregnancies and I really haven't had any of them. So, I'm not going to fret about having a c-section. All I want are healthy babies.

Several people have remarked about how calm I seem about the uncertainty, the waiting and fact that my life is about to get crazy. Part of that stems from my personality but I think our years of struggling with infertility are largely behind my attitude. First, infertility teaches you that you have NO control over these type of matters. I learned to live with uncertainty and I learned the futility of trying to control things of this nature. Second, having struggled for four years to get to this point makes it very hard to have any frustrations or anger about my current aches and pains, etc. I still feel blessed and in wonder every single day. So, am I nervous? Yep. I'm scared that the babies won't be perfectly healthy. I'm scared of breastfeeding, of getting no sleep, of post-partum depression and of all sorts of other things. But, I don't dwell on these fears and I will conquer them as they arise. For now, I'm focusing on enjoying the final stages of this journey. I can't wait to hold those two little bundles of joy in my arms.

34 Weeks

I'm 34 weeks today. I'm still working full-time, getting out occasionally and, importantly, not on bedrest. At 36 weeks, the twins are considered full term and thus they won't put me on bedrest after that point. So, things are looking good on that front.

On Wednesday, I went in for a weekly "non-stress test". The babies were looking good but they said my uterus was contracting and send us straight over to OBGYN triage. The hooked us back up and the nurse was convinced that I was in labor and the babies would be arriving shortly. It was a bit of a "wake up call". We weren't overly stressed out but we kept looking at each other thinking "holy shit this is actually going to happen!". In the end, the did a fetal fibronectin test which came back negative meaning that I am not likely to go into pre-term labor (in the next 1-2 weeks). So, again, I seem to have a good shot at making it to the 36 week mark.

My OBGYN scheduled a c-section on December 13. In my ideal world, I'd like these two to arrive a week or so before that. But, we will be happy to matter what. I am also hoping to avoid a c-section. Currently, both babies are vertex (head down) so a c-section may not be necessary. But, it will be a game-time decision. I am not feeling stressed out about the delivery process - I don't have any strong expectations and all I care about is having healthy babies. The pain doesn't scare me as it seems minute compared to all the struggles we've endured to get to this point.

I'm just feeling really mellow these days...I hope my emotions continue to stay in check and that the days go by fairly quickly. Ok - off to watch the movie "paranormal activity" - it's supposed to be scary!

An Overdue Update

Hello Folks!

I haven't posted in ages but I'm doing really well. Today, I am 31 weeks pregnant. While we've settled on official names for our boy and girl, for now we've dubbed them Earl & Pearl. It's going to be hard to keep their real names a secret but we're going to try.

My belly is HUGE....people think "it must be any day now", but I have up to seven more weeks. I can almost constantly feel the twins moving around which is pretty fun. While I'm tired and large and don't feel all that good much of the time, I am so, so happy to be in this place. I just keep taking it one day at a time. I haven't had any serious complications nor any signs of pre-term labor. I've been bracing myself for a difficult pregnancy but so far I can't complain. We go in on Wednesday for another ultrasound and our first "non-stress" test. Starting next week, I have one to two Dr. appointments per week. As much as this is a "heavy load", I want the little ones to stay in there as long as possible. Here is a belly shot from a couple weeks ago....

A few friends through me a baby shower last weekend. I had mixed feelings about a shower because I had come to truly, truly dread them during our 4 year quest to conceive. So, at my request, my friends through a couples shower that was basically a cocktail party - no games or activities and we opened gifts in the background as the party went on. For me, that was perfect.

Over the next few weeks, we're trying to get totally ready for Earl & Pearl to arrive. All the major pieces for the nursery have been assembled but we still have lots of stuff to organize. I've go a big "to do" list and we'll be crossing things off this weekend and next. It's crazy to think that in 5 weeks (at 36 weeks), these little ones will be considered full term. It seems both close and far away.

So, that's the update from me. Wishing everyone a good weekend. Go Giants!!

Pinching Myself

It has been a very long time since I've posted. I've still been perusing blogs, but less and less. It's a strange feeling...I miss the interaction but it's nice to not feel the need to blog. I feel guilty about "leaving" the blogging world but so happy to move on. I hope you all know that my thoughts are still with you. I will never forget what it's like to be infertile or to suffer losses. I've had friends ask me if all my years of trying seem miles away and it takes me about .2 seconds to say "absolutely not". I've still got scars, pain, anger, resentment, sadness, etc......but I am healing.

Which brings me to the good news.....we're going to have a boy and a girl! And, at 20 weeks, they are both looking perfectly healthy. We've passed all the genetic testing and ultrasounds. It's unbelievable and amazing. I have shed some of my first tears of joy over the last week just realizing how real this is becoming (up until now, I really haven't shed many tears of joy because I've been so cautious). I feel a sense of redemption.

So, I'm finally in full baby planning mode - equipment, help, etc. It's fun and overwhelming to be here.

16 Weeks

Well, I wanted the Dutch to win the world cup but they just couldn't pull it off today.... and I just ate HUGE crepe filled with bananas & Nutella. Wow, it was so rich that I feel like I need to drink a gallon of water.

Anyway, I have not been feeling very inspired to blog lately. I think I'll be somewhat "fading out" of the blogosphere, but I still love following those on my blog roll, and I always appreciate the comments from those still reading my occasional posts.

I'm now 16 weeks and the bump is out! Our ultrasound on Wednesday went well and we found out that there is a BOY in there! The other baby was not showing us the goods, so we'll have to wait to find out that one's gender for another month. I've had so many people (mostly fertiles) tell me that I should let it be a surprise. But, per my last post, I am so OVER uncertainty. I want to know everything I can.

We started getting a few gifts this past week and it is all becoming increasingly real. I'm still putting them in a bag..in a closet..but it's fun to start assembling some little, cute things! I think after week 20 we are going to start doing our own shopping.

In the near term, I've got a very busy week planned (probably too busy). We've got dinner out with friends, a musical on Wednesday, a girls night on Thursday and we drive to Tahoe for the weekend on Friday. I'm doing the swim leg of a triathlon relay up there which should be fun. I've been swimming a few times a week and it feels awesome. In fact, I'm off to the pool right now...

Forever Unexplained

Recently, the most important question in my mind got answered. It's possible for me to get and stay pregnant. After years of wondering if I ever get here, this seems unbelievable and amazing.

Through our four years of efforts, we were never given any reason why we should have a hard time. The diagnosis was "unexplained infertility". All our tests came back looking good. I responded well to all the treatments (well, except Clomid). The endometriosis they found was mild. The blasts they transferred in IVF were high quality. The miscarriages I had were "bad luck". My first RE suspected "egg quality", but this was never confirmed. My second RE didn't have a diagnosis but was "optimistic". The "unexplained" diagnosis is incredibly frustrating. If nothing is "wrong", why isn't it "right"?

There were so many times I questioned if we should give up, but with no evidence to suggest that something was wrong, we kept moving forward - through doubt, disappointment and heartbreak. As time went by, I could tell that some of my friends and family thought we should move on to adoption or an egg donor. We were thinking about it, but we kept postponing that and continued on - confused, crushed, but somehow with a little bit of hope.

And, now I find myself over 14 weeks pregnant with twins. It's awesome. But, it's still so confusing. I still have so many questions...

• Did going to the new RE help, even though I had tried the drug and IUI at my first clinic?
  
• Did the last seven months of therapy and blogging matter? It helped me resolve some stuff but was my mental state preventing us from success?
  
• Did the laparoscopy 10 months before the IUI procedure make the difference (two of my three pregnancies were post-laparascopy)?
• Why did IUI work after all this time and after more aggressive treatments like IVF failed?
• Why did I get pregnant once from IVF (frozen), once naturally, and once from IUI, but never from a fresh IVF cycle when the chances were highest?
• Did my relatively new acupuncturist help?
  
• Do I have an egg quality issue? If not, what made getting here so damn hard?
  
• How on earth did I produce two "good eggs" when dozens in the past had been duds?
  
• Were the miscarriages really just "bad luck"?
  
• Did it help that I went wine tasting after the IUI procedure that worked!? (yep, I did - something i never would have done early on in our efforts)
  

I could go on and on. There are just so many questions that will never be answered. If I wanted to get pregnant again, I'm not sure what path I would take. If I was asked to give advice to someone with similar experiences to my own, I wouldn't have many confident things to say. I hated when people told me "it will happen" eventually, so I definitely wouldn't say that. I guess I would say that it's good try all the options, to get a second opinion and get some emotional support (in whatever way works best) - but that doesn't seem like enough.

Again, I am so thankful to have "the big question" answered. It makes all the difference. But, it still sucks for all our struggles to be forever unexplained...

Second Trimester Here I .Come!!

I am three days into my second trimester and very happy to be here. However, that doesn't mean I don't still question the fact that I'm actually pregnant multiple times a day. The days go by so slowly.

In terms of recent developments:

• I'm still feeling like crap much of the time, but that's ok. I'm shoving less junk food into my mouth but still too much.
• My pants are getting quite tight. I can't quite get up the nerve to go shopping for maternity clothes but I'll get there. I can see my "bump" and had my husband take a picture, but I don't think it really shows in the photo :(
  
• My boobs are enormous! I knew that my 34C was too small so I went in today to get fitted for a new size. And, what was it? 34 DDD ....triple D's. holy crap!
  
• We've shared our news with a bunch of friends and co-workers. It's been really amazing to finally be out in the open. It was especially touching to tell my friends who know about our struggles over the last 4 years. There were friends that screamed with excitement, friends that shed tears of joy, friends that got goosebumps, etc. It's all sort of surreal and unbelievable.
  

I've been thinking a lot about writing a post on my lingering frustrations with the uncertainty surrounding our IF. While we are now in a great place, there are still so many unanswered questions. So, hopefully I'll come up with something coherent before too long.

Finally, my heart aches for a few fellow bloggers who recently had miscarriages, and others that have been getting unwanted news during cycles, etc. I just want everyone to escape the hell of IF and loss...it's all so unfair.