Two Babies and One Happy Mom

8+ Months

2011-08-23T21:17:00.001-07:00

Just a quick update. Life with the babies is fantastic. They are big and healthy and happy.

This is today's milestone - it's gonna get interesting around here!

Life is good. Seriously, I feel blessed everyday to have these little wonders. Yes, my work is more stressful and time intensive than I'd like it to be. Yes, having twins isn't the best thing for the social life and marriage. But, we're doing great.

Almost 6 Months

2011-06-05T14:17:00.000-07:00

It has been forever since I've posted. Things are going REALLY well for us. Z & L will be six months old in just over a week. They are such happy babies and give us endless smiles. I am honestly surprised at how doable it's been. I am lucky that I had wonderful help during the early months and my husband is super involved. And, of course, we have healthy babies. I think being super organized is one of the keys to raising twins and luckily that fits our style! It's like a fun challenge to synchronize their schedules, find the best gear, take them on outings, etc. Also, we don't try and do too much. We are so content just spending the weekend around the house and neighborhood. We used to travel all the time on weekends, but now is our time to "nest".

Being a mom is a powerful thing. It is just incredible how in love I am with my babies. I was one of those people who was not into other people's babies. I had really never spent much time around babies. But, as soon as my little bundles of joy entered the world, it was another story. And, now, I don't think I'll ever be able to resist holding other people's babies. They're just so precious.

Like anyone, of course I'm still seeking balance. I wish I didn't work 50 hours a week and could be with them more often. I do miss working out. However, I'm still doing some stuff. I signed up for a sprint triathlon and a half marathon later this year ! I also miss all the one on one time with my hubby. Our sex life = not so great. But, I'm hopeful it will improve once I'm done nursing.

And, as happy as I am, at times I still feel the pain of all our years of struggle. I still feel the sting now and then when people get pregnant easily or when people tell us we are so "efficient" in instantaneously having a family. I know that I am forever changed by that time...and it took an irreversible toll on me and many of my friendships. Infertility is so hard. It sucks so, so much. But, I know it has made me a better person and mom - I am sure of that.

I'm posting a couple pictures of the little ones and a few of the day to day details.

Eating
Breastfeeding ended up working amazingly well for me. I tandem feed (i.e. feed them at the same time) using my big green pillow (double My Breast Friend). Man, I have spent a lot of hours with that thing!! I started supplementing with a little formula around 4 months and am now weening myself away from feeding. It has been such a blessing to be able to nurse them but I am excited to have my body back to myself. Between trying to get pregnant, being pregnant and nursing, it's been about 5 years since I've had my body "all to me".

We introduced solids around 5 months and they are loving it! So far - avocado, sweet potato, barley cereal, pear and peas. Z can hardly contain his excitement around meal time!

They are little chubsters, both 75th percentile or so in terms of weight. We take them in next week and around expecting them to be around 18lbs!

Sleeping
About 50% of the time, they both sleep through the night. We put them to be around 7pm and then do a "dream feed" around 10am. After this, they don't eat until 6am. Some nights are better than others but it is very rare that we are up more than 20 minutes in a night. They are also napping pretty well during the day (1 morning and 1 afternoon nap).

Other Stuff
They giggle and it is the best sound in the world
They are rolling all over the place but no crawling or sitting yet
I adore picking out their little outfits :)

Hugs to all!!

3 Month Update

2011-03-14T17:40:00.001-07:00

Life with the twins is wonderful. Somehow I manage to love them more and more each day. I have been told by almost everyone that I'm one of the most relaxed new mothers they've ever seen. I chalk much of this up to my years of struggling to just have these kids. It's hard for me to be stressed out when I finally got what I wanted for so long.

Zach and Lexi have been growing like weeds. At the 2-month checkup they were both in the 90th percentile for weight. They now smile a lot and are more and more interactive. The nights are still a little rough but certainly much easier than the initial weeks.

Some fun pictures are below. Love and hugs to all!

Introducing Zach and Lexi!!

2011-01-01T16:18:00.001-08:00

Sorry for the delay but, as you might imagine, having newborn twins is quite time consuming....

On December 13, Zach and Lexi came into this world. Zach arrived at 12:52pm and weighed 6lbs14oz. Lexi arrived at 12:54pm and weighed 6lbs12oz (two big babies!!). We spent four days in the hospital recovering from the c-section but have been home two weeks now. Thankfully, we've had lots of help from family and friends.

Needless to say I think they are beautiful and amazing. They are both healthy as can be and growing like weeds. Thus far, I've been able to nurse them both. We're sleep deprived and stressed at times, but loving every moment. I stare at them every day in disbelief and awe.

Happy New Year to all!! Sending all of you hugs.

Tomorrow I'll be a Mom

2010-12-12T07:07:00.000-08:00

I have a c-section scheduled for 12:15pm tomorrow. I'm 38 weeks now, which is full-term (or beyond) for twins. I've been trying to "get these babies out" for the last couple weeks but they are just loving it in my tummy. I and others cannot believe the size of my belly! And, I think my uterus is so stretched out that it doesn't really work (i.e contract) anymore. Finally, the little girl (baby B) has moved from a vertex/head down position to a transverse/horizontal position. Therefore, my Dr. wants to do a c-section. While that's not my first choice, I'm totally fine with it. There are so many risks and issues that happen with twin pregnancies and I really haven't had any of them. So, I'm not going to fret about having a c-section. All I want are healthy babies.

Several people have remarked about how calm I seem about the uncertainty, the waiting and fact that my life is about to get crazy. Part of that stems from my personality but I think our years of struggling with infertility are largely behind my attitude. First, infertility teaches you that you have NO control over these type of matters. I learned to live with uncertainty and I learned the futility of trying to control things of this nature. Second, having struggled for four years to get to this point makes it very hard to have any frustrations or anger about my current aches and pains, etc. I still feel blessed and in wonder every single day. So, am I nervous? Yep. I'm scared that the babies won't be perfectly healthy. I'm scared of breastfeeding, of getting no sleep, of post-partum depression and of all sorts of other things. But, I don't dwell on these fears and I will conquer them as they arise. For now, I'm focusing on enjoying the final stages of this journey. I can't wait to hold those two little bundles of joy in my arms.

34 Weeks

2010-11-13T15:17:00.000-08:00

I'm 34 weeks today. I'm still working full-time, getting out occasionally and, importantly, not on bedrest. At 36 weeks, the twins are considered full term and thus they won't put me on bedrest after that point. So, things are looking good on that front.

On Wednesday, I went in for a weekly "non-stress test". The babies were looking good but they said my uterus was contracting and send us straight over to OBGYN triage. The hooked us back up and the nurse was convinced that I was in labor and the babies would be arriving shortly. It was a bit of a "wake up call". We weren't overly stressed out but we kept looking at each other thinking "holy shit this is actually going to happen!". In the end, the did a fetal fibronectin test which came back negative meaning that I am not likely to go into pre-term labor (in the next 1-2 weeks). So, again, I seem to have a good shot at making it to the 36 week mark.

My OBGYN scheduled a c-section on December 13. In my ideal world, I'd like these two to arrive a week or so before that. But, we will be happy to matter what. I am also hoping to avoid a c-section. Currently, both babies are vertex (head down) so a c-section may not be necessary. But, it will be a game-time decision. I am not feeling stressed out about the delivery process - I don't have any strong expectations and all I care about is having healthy babies. The pain doesn't scare me as it seems minute compared to all the struggles we've endured to get to this point.

I'm just feeling really mellow these days...I hope my emotions continue to stay in check and that the days go by fairly quickly. Ok - off to watch the movie "paranormal activity" - it's supposed to be scary!

An Overdue Update

2010-10-23T07:50:00.000-07:00

Hello Folks!

I haven't posted in ages but I'm doing really well. Today, I am 31 weeks pregnant. While we've settled on official names for our boy and girl, for now we've dubbed them Earl & Pearl. It's going to be hard to keep their real names a secret but we're going to try.

My belly is HUGE....people think "it must be any day now", but I have up to seven more weeks. I can almost constantly feel the twins moving around which is pretty fun. While I'm tired and large and don't feel all that good much of the time, I am so, so happy to be in this place. I just keep taking it one day at a time. I haven't had any serious complications nor any signs of pre-term labor. I've been bracing myself for a difficult pregnancy but so far I can't complain. We go in on Wednesday for another ultrasound and our first "non-stress" test. Starting next week, I have one to two Dr. appointments per week. As much as this is a "heavy load", I want the little ones to stay in there as long as possible. Here is a belly shot from a couple weeks ago....

A few friends through me a baby shower last weekend. I had mixed feelings about a shower because I had come to truly, truly dread them during our 4 year quest to conceive. So, at my request, my friends through a couples shower that was basically a cocktail party - no games or activities and we opened gifts in the background as the party went on. For me, that was perfect.

Over the next few weeks, we're trying to get totally ready for Earl & Pearl to arrive. All the major pieces for the nursery have been assembled but we still have lots of stuff to organize. I've go a big "to do" list and we'll be crossing things off this weekend and next. It's crazy to think that in 5 weeks (at 36 weeks), these little ones will be considered full term. It seems both close and far away.

So, that's the update from me. Wishing everyone a good weekend. Go Giants!!

Pinching Myself

2010-08-09T17:59:00.000-07:00

It has been a very long time since I've posted. I've still been perusing blogs, but less and less. It's a strange feeling...I miss the interaction but it's nice to not feel the need to blog. I feel guilty about "leaving" the blogging world but so happy to move on. I hope you all know that my thoughts are still with you. I will never forget what it's like to be infertile or to suffer losses. I've had friends ask me if all my years of trying seem miles away and it takes me about .2 seconds to say "absolutely not". I've still got scars, pain, anger, resentment, sadness, etc......but I am healing.

Which brings me to the good news.....we're going to have a boy and a girl! And, at 20 weeks, they are both looking perfectly healthy. We've passed all the genetic testing and ultrasounds. It's unbelievable and amazing. I have shed some of my first tears of joy over the last week just realizing how real this is becoming (up until now, I really haven't shed many tears of joy because I've been so cautious). I feel a sense of redemption.

So, I'm finally in full baby planning mode - equipment, help, etc. It's fun and overwhelming to be here.

16 Weeks

2010-07-11T16:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I wanted the Dutch to win the world cup but they just couldn't pull it off today.... and I just ate HUGE crepe filled with bananas & Nutella. Wow, it was so rich that I feel like I need to drink a gallon of water.

Anyway, I have not been feeling very inspired to blog lately. I think I'll be somewhat "fading out" of the blogosphere, but I still love following those on my blog roll, and I always appreciate the comments from those still reading my occasional posts.

I'm now 16 weeks and the bump is out! Our ultrasound on Wednesday went well and we found out that there is a BOY in there! The other baby was not showing us the goods, so we'll have to wait to find out that one's gender for another month. I've had so many people (mostly fertiles) tell me that I should let it be a surprise. But, per my last post, I am so OVER uncertainty. I want to know everything I can.

We started getting a few gifts this past week and it is all becoming increasingly real. I'm still putting them in a bag..in a closet..but it's fun to start assembling some little, cute things! I think after week 20 we are going to start doing our own shopping.

In the near term, I've got a very busy week planned (probably too busy). We've got dinner out with friends, a musical on Wednesday, a girls night on Thursday and we drive to Tahoe for the weekend on Friday. I'm doing the swim leg of a triathlon relay up there which should be fun. I've been swimming a few times a week and it feels awesome. In fact, I'm off to the pool right now...

Forever Unexplained

2010-06-29T19:42:00.000-07:00

Recently, the most important question in my mind got answered. It's possible for me to get and stay pregnant. After years of wondering if I ever get here, this seems unbelievable and amazing.

Through our four years of efforts, we were never given any reason why we should have a hard time. The diagnosis was "unexplained infertility". All our tests came back looking good. I responded well to all the treatments (well, except Clomid). The endometriosis they found was mild. The blasts they transferred in IVF were high quality. The miscarriages I had were "bad luck". My first RE suspected "egg quality", but this was never confirmed. My second RE didn't have a diagnosis but was "optimistic". The "unexplained" diagnosis is incredibly frustrating. If nothing is "wrong", why isn't it "right"?

There were so many times I questioned if we should give up, but with no evidence to suggest that something was wrong, we kept moving forward - through doubt, disappointment and heartbreak. As time went by, I could tell that some of my friends and family thought we should move on to adoption or an egg donor. We were thinking about it, but we kept postponing that and continued on - confused, crushed, but somehow with a little bit of hope.

And, now I find myself over 14 weeks pregnant with twins. It's awesome. But, it's still so confusing. I still have so many questions...

Did going to the new RE help, even though I had tried the drug and IUI at my first clinic?
Did the last seven months of therapy and blogging matter? It helped me resolve some stuff but was my mental state preventing us from success?
Did the laparoscopy 10 months before the IUI procedure make the difference (two of my three pregnancies were post-laparascopy)?
Why did IUI work after all this time and after more aggressive treatments like IVF failed?
Why did I get pregnant once from IVF (frozen), once naturally, and once from IUI, but never from a fresh IVF cycle when the chances were highest?
Did my relatively new acupuncturist help?
Do I have an egg quality issue? If not, what made getting here so damn hard?
How on earth did I produce two "good eggs" when dozens in the past had been duds?
Were the miscarriages really just "bad luck"?
Did it help that I went wine tasting after the IUI procedure that worked!? (yep, I did - something i never would have done early on in our efforts)

I could go on and on. There are just so many questions that will never be answered. If I wanted to get pregnant again, I'm not sure what path I would take. If I was asked to give advice to someone with similar experiences to my own, I wouldn't have many confident things to say. I hated when people told me "it will happen" eventually, so I definitely wouldn't say that. I guess I would say that it's good try all the options, to get a second opinion and get some emotional support (in whatever way works best) - but that doesn't seem like enough.

Again, I am so thankful to have "the big question" answered. It makes all the difference. But, it still sucks for all our struggles to be forever unexplained...

Second Trimester Here I .Come!!

2010-06-22T20:44:00.001-07:00

I am three days into my second trimester and very happy to be here. However, that doesn't mean I don't still question the fact that I'm actually pregnant multiple times a day. The days go by so slowly.

In terms of recent developments:

I'm still feeling like crap much of the time, but that's ok. I'm shoving less junk food into my mouth but still too much.
My pants are getting quite tight. I can't quite get up the nerve to go shopping for maternity clothes but I'll get there. I can see my "bump" and had my husband take a picture, but I don't think it really shows in the photo :(
My boobs are enormous! I knew that my 34C was too small so I went in today to get fitted for a new size. And, what was it? 34 DDD ....triple D's. holy crap!
We've shared our news with a bunch of friends and co-workers. It's been really amazing to finally be out in the open. It was especially touching to tell my friends who know about our struggles over the last 4 years. There were friends that screamed with excitement, friends that shed tears of joy, friends that got goosebumps, etc. It's all sort of surreal and unbelievable.

I've been thinking a lot about writing a post on my lingering frustrations with the uncertainty surrounding our IF. While we are now in a great place, there are still so many unanswered questions. So, hopefully I'll come up with something coherent before too long.

Finally, my heart aches for a few fellow bloggers who recently had miscarriages, and others that have been getting unwanted news during cycles, etc. I just want everyone to escape the hell of IF and loss...it's all so unfair.

Pictures!

2010-06-15T20:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's ultrasound went well! I was 12w2d and the little ones were measuring at 12w6d and 13w. It turns out that they liked the food in Italy as much as I did :) I'm delighted that they are ahead of schedule but thinking they better slow down because there's only so much room in my tummy! In any case, the ultrasound technician took a bunch of other measurements and views (described below) and everything looks great. Here are the beautiful pictures. I haven't been able to bring myself to give them cute names but they are labeled AAA and BBB.

With the first trimester about behind us, we are finally starting to spread the word. We told our parents last night and it was a lot of fun to hear the surprise and joy in their voices.

So, overall, things are going really well. But, since I can still use my blog to vent:

1. The morning sickness is getting real, real old. I think I may be getting some of my energy back, but I still fell nauseated a LOT. I'm hopeful that it will abate by 14 weeks..but I've read that it may run longer for twin pregnancies.

2. My fertile friends are still annoying me. We had some friends over for lunch last Saturday. They got married a little over a year ago and I have just been waiting for them to announce that they're pregnant. Well, now they are. Given that I am too (although I didn't tell them), the news was easier to take. But, the conversation that followed irked me. This friend know we've been trying for years - I haven't confided in her a lot, but she knows we've tried everything over the yeras, that I've had more than one miscarriage and that I broke out in tears during her engagement party because there was so much baby talk (man, that sucked). Anyway, she proceeded to tell me she was nervous about having a baby ....not excited, or blessed, or anything good. And, she told me she would not recommend morning sickness to anyone - that it was a terrible thing to go through. These were very honest comments and I appreciate that, but I just think she should of prefaced it with something like, "we feel very lucky but..." or "we're really excited but..." If you know someone has faced heartbreak and anguish trying to get there...would you complain about it to them? Anyway, I know she didn't mean anything bad...she has a ton on her mind and just a clueless fertile person (like so many others!).

Lastly, for those that wanted more details on the ultrasound I had as part of the integrating screening for genetic testing..... First, it took almost a full hour (but would probably take 30 min for one fetus). The machine was very powerful and could really zoom in. The technician very carefully measured the crown-to-rump from various angles (much more than previous scans I'd had). She also confirmed that there are two arms, two legs, and that the brain has two hemispheres. She showed us the stomach (a little black spot in their bellies), and she took many measurements of the amount of fluid behind the neck (nuchal fold I think). Lots of fluid can be a sign of down syndrome, etc. She took a lot of these measurements and I was getting very nervous that something was wrong, but I think they are just very thorough, because when she gave us the results they were just fine (she wanted to see less than 3mm and they were around 1.6mm). So, overall it was cool because we got to see a lot more detail...and of course, confirmed that all looks good.

Back

2010-06-12T16:08:00.000-07:00

We got back from Italy on Tuesday night and I'm starting to get settled back in. Going back to work on Weds to Fri was not so fun, but I did it. Italy was lovely. It was a good mix of city time (Rome & Florence) and being out in the middle of nowhere (Tuscan countryside). We saw some great art, ate very well (can you say carbo loading?), wandered a lot and got plenty of sleep. In the countryside, we did some gorgeous hikes through vineyards and little hilltop towns. Everything was so green & beautiful.

It was great to get away, but it's not as if I was able to stop thinking about this pregnancy. As much as I wanted the vacation to last, I celebrated the end of each day - each day closer to the end of the first trimester. I was definitely nervous that I'd start bleeding and have to navigate the hospital system in Italy. But, I had no scares and plenty of morning sickness, so I guess I feel good about that. I will say that it was a bit of torture for me not to partake in any wine while in Italy. I got a lot of blank stares from waiters when I said I didn't want any wine. Even in my state of nausea, I practically drooled as I walked by couples sharing a bottle of wine of lunch or dinner. I love that mellow wine buzz and I could so use one... :) But, obviously, it's worth it and I feel so blessed to be where we are.

I am 12 weeks pregnant today. Wow. The miscarriage risk should be quite small now but, of course, I still google things like "miscarriage at 12 weeks" and find terrible and heartbreaking stories. We have an ultrasound on Monday as part of our integrated screening for down syndrome, etc. If that goes well, I think we're going to "go public" with our news. Crazy. I have been dreaming of that day for so long.

So, going into this next ultrasound, I'm as hopeful as I've ever been. I've had no spotting, plenty of morning sickness and have gained 5 pounds...and I think I have an emerging bump. I am just hoping and praying that the little ones are doing well in there. I love them so....

More Smiling

2010-05-27T18:05:00.000-07:00

I just came from a 9w5d ultrasound it the little ones are both measuring at 10w0d!! The heartbeats are 150 and 176 and I even got to hear them. That was incredible. While finding out that everything is progressing perfectly was the highlight, I am almost equally ecstatic that the ultrasound was NOT vaginal. Let me repeat (scream from the roof), NOT vaginal. How awesome is that!!?? Seriously, I have had that lubricated wand inserted in me so many times over the last few years.

So, needless to say, I am feeling a rush of relief and renewed hope. I had an appointment at the OBGYN on Monday but it was uneventful. They just gave me the do's and dont's, etc. But, happily, they scheduled me for the ultrasound today. I'm leaving tomorrow morning for a 10-day trip to Italy (!) so I will be offline. .When we come back, I have an ultrasound and genetic screening at 12w2d. If that all goes well, we'll start sharing the news (we still haven't told our parents, etc.).

I'm obviously pumped for the trip. When we planned the trip, I was planning on drinking large quantities of italian wine, but that's not going to happen. I will however be eating a TON of pasta and pizza. And, I am very excited to get lots of sleep and live life at a leisurely pace. I would really love my morning sickness to abate a little (of course, if it does, I'll probably freak out).

So, arrivederci, ciao, etc.!! I hope when I return there is lots of good news to catch up on.

Guilt & Hope

2010-05-23T07:21:00.000-07:00

Hello ICLWers!

I am behind in posting this and in commenting this month. I have full-on morning sickness (this is a happy thing) and there are many hours of the day in which I just can't seem to get off the couch. So, while I'm feeling good this morning, I'm going to blog away.

I'm currently 9w1d pregnant with twins from an IUI cycle! This is a miracle to me because we've been trying for years and have had failed IVF's, miscarriages, etc.

There's two things on my mind today.

1. It feels weird to write positive posts about being pregnant. I know I "deserve" to be where I am. I know it's "my time". But, I can't help feeling guilty about it when there are still so many others struggling. I know others are happy for me, but I feel like I might be adding just a little pain and hurt to those who are still trying - and that kills me. I want to provide hope and not sadness, but I know for me, it was always bittersweet to hear about pregnancies (not just sweet). So, I'm not apologizing, but I'm acknowledging my guilt.

2. I'm still very nervous. In some ways, I feel like our chances are getting really good and in just a few short weeks we'll be past the "danger zone". But, I continue to doubt that this is really going to work. I am holding back on my happiness. I have now told a couple very close friends about the pregnancy and one of them was so happy she was screaming and tearing up. I realized that she was experiencing a more pure, uninhibited joy than I feel. But, I just can't get there yet. My other friend starting asking me all sorts of questions about the delivery, child-care, etc., and I also can't possibly think about that stuff yet. All I can think about is getting through the next few weeks. Day by day.....

Ok, now to the commenting...

A Happy Ultrasound

2010-05-18T19:49:00.000-07:00

I reached another milestone yesterday - a happy ultrasound visit!! I didn't hear "there's no heartbeat" or "there's no reason to worry ...yet". Instead, I heard the word "perfect" several times and saw many smiles from the three medical professionals in the room. It felt surreal. I don't even remember half of what went on because I felt like I was in a dream. Luckily, the ultrasound pictures captured all the details.

It appears the twins are in a neck and neck competition to be "ahead". One was 19mm and the other is 20mm, and they both had a heartrate of 176. I already love them so much and am just hoping and praying they continue to grow. The days are still going by very slowly but our confidence and excitement level is increasing. I still can't help thinking about stories of miscarriages at 10 and 12 weeks, but I know that with each good visit, my chances improve.

With that ultrasound, I have "graduated" from the RE's office. I have my first OBGYN appointment on Monday so I'll get a little more info then (they are not planning to do an ultrasound but will listen for the heartbeats).

Otherwise, I'm just trying to take it day by day, finding comfort in McDonald's french fries, jelly bellies, and such. I feel so blessed to be at this point.

I Puked

2010-05-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

The morning sickness is in full force. For the first time, I prayed to the porcelain gods (i.e. threw up) last night. It was nasty and I felt awful before, during and after. But, for this long-time infertile, it was like reaching a milestone. A part of me is actually happy about it. But I have to say, I think once is enough.

I'm looking forward to a weekend of rest. I'm going to try and get a few errands done, but mostly I'll be lounging. Today = 8 weeks.

Make the Days Go Faster Please!

2010-05-08T12:47:00.001-07:00

The days are going by ever so slowly. Today I am 7w3d pregnant. That means it's been a little over 3 weeks since I found out about this pregnancy but it seems like it's been an eternity! I feel like if I can make it to 10 weeks I'll start to relax a bit (famous last words!), but that still feels so far away.

Physically, I feel pretty darn awful. I basically feel hungover almost all the time (I don't get headaches when I'm hungover, I just feel tired, awful and like I might puke). It's been tough to get through a few days at work. And, I night I just look forward to sleeping. I am craving salt, grease and junk food - give me nachos, pizza and french fries. So far tonight I've had chips and queso with a side of strawberries :) I read that it's common to put on a decent amount of weight in the 1st trimester of a twin pregnancy. I might be on the way with my choice of diet these days... In any case, I am NOT complaining. I would not trade it for the world.

Emotionally, I am up and down. I overanalyze my symptoms (e.g. i'm not peeing as much anymore! I feel a little less sick! Are my boobs really bigger or am I just imagining it!). There are certain moments where I am just gripped by fear. If I miscarry...

The emptiness will be so vast that I'll be lost
I won't be able to look my husband in the eyes
I have no idea what our next steps will be but this may be the end of our efforts to conceive with our own DNA
I'll become even more bitter and isolated than I've already become

I know I shouldn't focus on this stuff but how can I not? How can I be optimistic when nothing about infertility or pregnancy has gone right for us in the last 4 years? I'm trying. I really am. I am excited and hopeful but I am terrified of the next few weeks.

Twins It Is

2010-05-04T16:29:00.000-07:00

That's right. We saw two little heartbeats at our 6w3d ultrasound today. And, our estimated due date was confirmed as Christmas Day. Needless to say, we are overjoyed. Would I rather have one than two? Yes. Would I pick Christmas Day as my due date? No. But, wow, am I smiling inside. What a blessing.

I have been so nervous in the recent days and weeks. When I put my legs up on the stirrups today, they were shaking like crazy. Then, I couldn't see the screen so I just watched the Dr's face which showed no sign of emotion. However, when he said, "are you ready for this?", I knew it was twins.

The stats on the little guys:
#1 - 5mm CRL, heartrate = 127
#2 - 5mm CRL, heartrate = 114

I am just in a state of wonder that two eggs/embryos have made it to this point. We've done IVF twice and of over 20 embryos (9 blasts) only one has made it this far. Not to mention how many other cycles we've done over the last 4 years. The "odds" just don't make any sense - but I'm not complaining.

So, now we wait another 2 weeks until the next u/s. I have been hit by morning sickness pretty hard. I felt truly awful yesterday and am really starting to favor junk food.

We're still not going to share this with folks IRL. We're still just too scared to get others' hopes up. We made it to a HB with our first pregnancy before the loss, and so I most definitely do not feel "out of the woods". I just really need to focus on taking it day by day and not thinking about what will happen if we lose these little miracles. I just don't know what I would do. I don't even know what path we would take knowing that we had lost 4 babies....

Thanks to all of you for your support. I noticed that I've lost a few followers in the last week. I'm guessing that's because I'm pregnant, and hopefully not because I wrote something offensive. It feels kind of sad to lose followers but I completely get it. But, for those of you still following - please stick around for the first trimester if you can - I feel like I have a long way to go.

Waiting

2010-04-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about what to write in the post and I can't come up with anything coherent. The days are passing ever so slowly. I'm incredibly thankful and happy to be pregnant, but I am feeling so, so cautious.

Our trip to NYC was a good one. We went to the wedding of a very good friend of my husband. I love weddings - love seeing the bride & groom beaming, love the service, love the dancing..and typically love the cocktails as well. I didn't know many folks at this wedding and my fun factor definitely could have benefited from some booze but c'est la vie - I'm not complaining. DH told everyone that I had been sick (which is actually true), so that provided a backdrop for the no drinking and the early departures (1am was an "early" departure). I'm finally kicking this horrendous cold.

After the wedding festivities, we went out to see my brother and sister in law. She is about 25 weeks pregnant. We didn't tell them about my pregnancy. In fact, we still haven't told anyone. They had one of those "miracle" pregnancies. She is 39 and the RE's told her that she had a 1-2% chance by trying naturally, a somewhat higher chance with IUI, and that her egg count was too low for IVF. But, of course, they got pregnant naturally. As they were sharing their story, they told me how much they had endured. And, I had a very weak moment. I sort of rolled my eyes and said something to the effect of "yeah, believe me, we've had a lot worse than you". It was the jealousy speaking. They knew we'd been struggling for years and have never acknowledged that. They were supposed to have low chances and got pregnant with 8 months of starting. We haven't been diagnosed with any real issues, have been trying for 4 years and have had multiple miscarriages. I know why I reacted that way but it was the wrong thing to say and not what I meant. Nobody should have to endure any of this IF shit. And, everyone's struggle is important. That night, I woke up several times thinking about how dumb, inappropriate and insensitive my comment was. I apologized to them the next day (not that they seemed upset at the time), and they said there were no hard feelings. Ugh......

So, Monday it was back to work and I'm just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. My first u/s appointment is on Tuesday. I should be 6.5 weeks at that point. I am terrified for that appointment as this is how I have found out about non-viable pregnancies in the past. These days are going slowly....but this weekend I'm going to a yoga retreat so I hope that will bring me some calm. I won't be trying out any crazy new poses but, once again, it will be good for me to be occupied.

Oh yeah - and Monday was my birthday. I'm 36. When I got married, we wanted to try for two kids by the time I was 35. Now we're begging the world to give us one by 37.

Double Plus

2010-04-21T19:17:00.000-07:00

I got my RE's office to do beta #2 today (18dpo) for stat. The level was 2,034 (vs. #1 at 754). Wowza. I mapped my HCG levels on a chart and they're above the "high" line. I'm just trying to enjoy the news. However, it's taking strength on my part not to go on a googling binge about whether HCG levels can be too high. And, I'm thinking, "could it be twins?". Anyhow, I just wanted to share the news before I head off to the big apple. Our trip will keep me safely away from google for the next four days :) I'll look forward to catching up on your blogs when I get back.

Thank you all so much for your encouraging comments. It means a lot to me.

Beta #1

2010-04-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

I went in for my first beta yesterday and had to wait until almost 5pm today to get the results.

754!!

So, plenty high. Now I just need it to double. I'll be going in tomorrow morning for #2.

Physically, this is where I'm at:

No spotting
A few twinges here and there
Maybe some extra trips to the bathroom but I did not get up to pee in the middle of the night last night and it freaked me out
Boobs are getting sore
Feeling somewhat queasy and tired, but I'm still fighting this nasty cold so it's hard to read anything into that

Basically, I have no reason to worry. Well, except that I've been here twice before only to lose the baby a few weeks later. Yeah....that.

Mentally, I'm feeling ok about things. We haven't told a soul IRL. I'm just not ready to share with anyone but you guys :)

I haven't been obsessing too much although I did look at the EDD and - crazy enough it's either:

1. Based on day 1 of last cycle -> December 24th
2. Based on date of conception (i.e. IUI procedure) -> December 25th

So, if we make it, looks like a Christmas baby. What a gift that would be.

I also can't seem to resist looking a the calendar in general and thinking about important dates like ultrasounds, first trimester, etc. I just can't help thinking about it even though I don't want to get my hopes up.

I've got an acupuncture appointment tomorrow night that I'm really looking forward to. And, hopefully they'll do these beta results for STAT so I can know where things stand.

DH and I are headed to New York on Thursday morning so I may not get to check in until we get back on Monday. We're going to a wedding so it should be a fun weekend and I welcome the distraction.

OMG

2010-04-18T13:54:00.000-07:00

I am 15DPO and also suffering a terrible cold. I haven't been taking any cold medicine because of the possibility of being pregnant. So, for some reason, I decided that last night I would take an OPK in the middle of the night. If it was negative, I was going to load up on nighttime cold medicine. If it was positive, well then great. So, around 2am I POAS and voila, a "plus" quickly appeared. The vertical line was noticeably darker than the horizontal one. OMG!! OMG!! I woke up my husband and hugged him and said "guess what?". He knew. And, he could feel my heart beating a million miles per minute.

It's so exciting and amazing, but so scary. I don't think I can suffer another loss. My parents are visiting but I just can't bring myself to tell them. I can't bear to drag them through another roller coaster. I'm nervous it's just a chemical pregnancy and my hopes will be dashed within days. I'm terrified of making it to an u/s and being told, for the third time, that "it's over".

I know that I just need to take it day by day and it's basically out of my control. But, as we all know, that's easier said than done. I left a message at my RE's office, so hopefully I'll get the betas done Monday and Wednesday. Please keep everything crossed for me. My birthday is a week from Monday and I need this gift...it was 4 years ago that we started this quest. Please let this be the year.

IUI

2010-04-06T18:16:00.000-07:00

This IUI cycle is going better than the last one but, per my last post, I just can't muster up much hope. We went in on CD12, and my lining was looking quite thin at 5mm. I was concerned. But, when we did the IUI procedure on CD15 my lining was 8mm. Better. And, DH's motile sperm count was much better than last month (23mm vs. 9mm). I had two lovely follicles in there. The Dr. (and not the mean one I had last month!) sounded optimistic and for a moment I felt it too. But, then I thought about how many times everything has looked perfect (and with higher odds) and we haven't had success.

So, we wait. Again. Today is CD19.

As usual, I'm so looking forward to the weekend. Some friends are taking us to the ballet on Friday night and we're going to do a bike ride on Saturday.

Bored

2010-04-01T18:06:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling "bored" with infertility. I'm just so over it. Give me a new challenge because I suck at this one.

We've been TTC for four years. This is ridiculous.*

As we go through this IUI, it just seems like were going through the motions. In my gut, I just feel that it's not going to work. And, this doesn't feel particularly upsetting. It just feels realistic. I've been feeling more annoyed about the time, money and effort involved than sad about the fact that a baby is not in our future.

I've assimilated to the fact that my relationships with most of my friends is forever changed. I'm totally comfortable saying no to baby showers, 1st birthday parties, etc. I've learned to avoid the most painful infertility "triggers". I have an "edge" that I didn't used to, but that's ok. The emptiness, bitterness, pain, sadness, and loneliness (and hope?) are all still there, but they are contained (usually). I am thankful for so many great things in my life.

I know that in time I'll feel differently than I do now. Even though the TTC goal is a constant, nothing else about IF is. For now, I'll just enjoy the break from tears, overanalysis, etc.

I'm wishing everyone a wonderful weekend and Easter. I have my IUI procedure today and will send out an update on that before too long.

*I know there are those out there who have been trying for longer and have endured more.

Spring

2010-03-21T15:45:00.000-07:00

Hello and welcome ICLWers. It feels like Spring here in San Francisco! I've had a good weekend - a little time outside, exercise, basketball, sleep, acupuncture and even getting my tax stuff together. But, I'm not pregnant. CD1 was Friday. It hasn't been to tough to process given that this cycle seemed to be doomed (i.e. thin uterine lining, low sperm count on top of the fact that even when things are normally perfect we've been trying to conceive for about 4 years now). So, it's on to the next cycle. We'll be doing letrazole/femara + IUI this go around. We did Clomid last month and my RE thinks that may have caused the thin lining. I did 3 cycles of letrazole 2.5 years ago, including one with IUI, and it didn't work. So, it feels we are just going through the motions. But, maybe the stars will align for us. Oh, please!!

I'm going through one of my "I need to do more things to make my body healthy" phases. My acupuncturist gave me a bunch of food recommendations which I will try to incorporate into my diet. Some of them are easy to do, like eating more meat and fresh vegetables. Some are a little harder, like eating blue-green algae and longan fruit! I don't think I've talked much about acupuncture on this blog but I absolutely love it. I find it incredibly relaxing, and fall asleep pretty much every time.

Now...something I don't absolutely love is friends giving me "IF cures" they've heard of. We all know how this goes and that it is usually driven by good intentions, but it is just not what we need. On my ski trip with girlfriends last weekend, one friend told me that she heard cutting gluten out of the diet can lead to pregnancy and another told me that she heard regressive therapy can help. I'm not totally sure I understand regressive therapy but it is something about unearthing latent memories that may be creating blockages of some kind. Again, I know these friends were only trying to help, but hearing these things makes it seem like I'm NOT doing enough. They don't understand how much we have tried and how many possible "random" ideas people have out there! I know that other people beat IF all the time, in a variety of ways. But, I'm still trying to find my way. Despite these comments, the two friends who made these comments were really sweet and supportive in everything else they said. Having shared my struggles with a number of friends, I really appreciate the one who "check in" on me, as opposed to the ones who never bring it up.

I'm wishing you all a very happy & FERTILE spring!!

CD27

2010-03-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

It's CD 27 and I absolutely hate this time of the month. I'm feeling vulnerable and insecure. I'm feeling hope and dread. I know I will feel better in a few days, even if I get a BFN. I'm not feeling any "signs". My previous BFP's were preceded by a bunch of cramping and I don't feel any of that. So, I wait for the final evidence...

On a positive note, I finally have some resolution on my former post, A Lost Friendship . Thanks to all of you for your comments on that one. You inspired me to deal with the issue directly. I wrote her an honest letter (it took a few drafts to get the right tone), and we had good talk a few days later. It felt so good to "clear the air", as I see her everyday and didn't like the resentment I felt. A favorite quote of mine - "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." It's so true, but it's hard not to resent sometimes, especially when you're infertile.

DH is off to a bachelor party this weekend and so I'll be flying solo here. I usually like some "alone time", but right now it doesn't sound that appealing. In any case, I'm sure I'll keep myself busy!

Olympics

2010-03-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

As promised, here's a little recap of our Olympic adventure. We spent 4 days in Vancouver and saw 4 events - short tracking skating, men's ski aerials and 2 hockey games. Vancouver is an awesome town. There are tons of cute neighborhoods, a great public transportation system, lots of fun places to go out for food & drinks, and it's beautiful. It was fairly rainy the whole time we were there so we didn't do quite as much walking as we normally do when exploring a city. But, we visited some of the cool public markets, took a ferry and hung out amidst all the crazy Canadian fans. I loved being so close to the Olympic spirit. It was fun to see fans from countries all over the world. We bought a big American flag to cheer at all the events. The Canadian fans had so much spirit and so many costumes too! Of course, seeing the athletes in action was incredible - not only their athletic abilities but their mental stamina.

Here's a few shots.

Apolo Ohno at the start of the 500m prelims. He looked smooth...

I developed some love for the Olympic mascots - Quatchi (my favorite and the one in the middle), Sumi & Miga.

The Olympic torch. You could wait in line for an hour to get a "better" view, but we skipped that part.

The U.S. completely dominating Finland in the semi-final hockey game. It was 6-0 after 13 minutes! My husband was in a state of bliss.

Jeret "Speedy" Peterson getting the Silver medal in the men's aerials after he successfully landed "the Hurricane" - 3 flips, 5 twists - CRAZY stuff.

Overall, an excellent time. Happy Sunday to all.

IUI Not Good

2010-03-03T19:10:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry to report that today's IUI sucked.

1. The procedure started over 45 minutes late.

2. The Dr. that did my procedure (not my primary Dr. at the clinic) has a crappy bedside manner, which aggravated all of the following.

3. The sperm sample was an all time worst for us. Motility was around 20% and it's typically been right around 50%. And, the overall sperm count was a little less than 10mm, when "normal" is 40mm or more. I'm looking at previous reports and the numbers have never been below 40mm. To make matters worst, the Dr. reported this in passing....like, "btw, your sperm sample sucks". We were in a bit of disbelief.

4. I asked her if they were going to look at my lining again given that it was so thin on Sunday. She said that it wouldn't really matter because it wouldn't change this protocol and my primary Dr. is going to change next month's plan anyway. It seemed like she thought this cycle was a bust already. So why did we spend the money and go through with the procedure?

5. My husband got really angry and upset about the test results and that just made things more stressful.

6. I asked her a few other questions and she was just not nice about them. Not comforting. Not helpful. As I laid back on the table I just tried not to cry.

So, ugh. Not fun and not what I had hoped for. I just can't handle much more of this stuff. I already want to go back to my old Dr. but I need to stick it out at this clinic for awhile.

I promise a more upbeat report (olympics, etc.) soon!

Getting back into the swing of blogging

2010-03-02T21:34:00.000-08:00

This is the first time I've looked at blogs in a week or so. I feel so in the dark about what's going on with everyone. I'll be getting caught up over the rest of the week.

I'm back from a ski trip followed by our trip to Vancouver for the Olympics. It was so great. I will post some pictures and commentary this weekend.

Our IUI procedure is tomorrow (CD15). I had an U/S on Sunday and while I had two large follicles my lining sucked at 5mm. I have probably had at least a dozen mid-cycle ultrasounds over the years and my lining has never been less than 7mm, so WTF? It may just confirm that me and Clomid are not friends (the last and only time I took it was 3 years ago and I had a messed up cycle and leftover cysts that lasted for months). Anyway, we're going ahead with things so keep your fingers crossed! I'm feeling extremely sane right now but I'm sure that will change during the 2WW.

A week or so I got my first mammogram. My Dr. wanted me to do it because there is some elevated risk of breast cancer if you've had miscarriages but not a live birth and are 35 (or something like that). I went into it having heard about how they smash your boobs like pancakes and expected it to be uncomfortable. And, it was. As the technician was wrestling my breast into the ideal position I could not help but say out loud..."oh....wow".. it hurts! Anyway, everything looked good. So, I got that going for me.

Looking out towards these next few weeks, I'm wishing for some calm and work and at home. Work has been too busy lately. And, DH and I have been dealing with stupid but stressful issues such as - we lost our passports and had to figure out and pay for last-minute ones to get to Canada - we're having car problems - we got a new washer/dryer installed but the installers created a gas leak - etc. Make it stop. Infertility is enough stress. So, here's to a March filled with fun, laziness and good karma.

Saying Hello

2010-02-17T20:15:00.000-08:00

Yes, I've still been pretty M.I.A. from blogging. I've been a sparse commenter and didn't even sign up for ICLW this month because I'll be out of town for most of the commenting time. But, know that I'm thinking of you all.

AF unexpectedly arrived today - 3 days early and w/o cramps. So, clomid + IUI here we come. I don't know how I'm feeling about our prospects. It's hard to hope, but of course it's there. Even though I've been doing a pretty good job of not obsessing about IF this past month, it hasn't been easy. My husband has been really down and angry, and it's been tough. I really hope he can come out of it and return to being "my rock". Work has been really stressful too. Breathing deeply....

On the bright side, I recently had my first real-world contact with a fellow blogger. Melissa at Banking on It is just awesome, and it was really nice to sit down and vent about all this stuff!

Also, I got two Beautiful Blogger awards thanks to Melissa (just mentioned) and Jessica at Journey to the Center of the Uterus. Thank you!! These women are both incredible and have helped me so much.

So, seven "interesting" things:

1. I just love cheese. I love high-end cheeses like Abbaye de Belloc or a good triple creme, but I also love that cheap orange processed cheese that they put on stadium nachos. Yumm... But, I don't like Brie.

2. I had a cat named Thesis growing up. My parents both have a PhD in Chemistry and when I finally learned what that word meant (i.e. that it wasn't a typical pet name), I realized how nerdy it was.

3. Alice (my profile name) is my middle name .. I'm so stealth! My first name starts with an L...

4. I do not have a green thumb. Please do not send me any plants. I will kill them.

5. I am an only child. More pressure to pass on the genes....

6. I was clinically depressed in high school and borderline suicidal. Even though dealing with IF for years has been hard, I've never approached the darkness I felt then.

7. I'd pick Jack over Sawyer on Lost.

I am not going to pick 7 more people today (REALLY tired right now..) but so love learning more about all of you!

Bitter But Headed for Vancouver

2010-02-03T19:54:00.001-08:00

I feel like I've been neglecting the bloggy world lately. I guess I'm trying to distance myself from IF this month. Next month we're doing Clomid+IUI and so we have one more natural cycle to try. I decided not to even do OPK's this month. I went back and forth. In the end, I feel like I know my "window" well enough to figure out when we need to get it done in the sack! And, I feel like the 2WW is a little easier when I don't know exactly when it ends. And, my life just feels a little less ruled by IF. I should be ovulating any day now though.

Last week, we found out that another one of our friend's is pregnant with #2. I found out about an hour before I went to my RE's office for my saline sonogram. First, I paid the $600 charge because I have zero coverage now. Then, the Dr. probed around with one speculum for awhile until she gave up. Then, she put in a new one and fumbled her way in. It wasn't THAT bad compared to everything I've done. But, it was uncomfortable and rather painful at times. And, of course the answer was "everything looks good! you can check that off your list". My unspoken response was "of course it looks good but where the hell is my baby?". When I told my husband he said, "we've checked off everything on a very long list except the box that says baby". Anyway, the whole experience just made me feel bitter. I have friends overjoyed to hear that #2 is on the way and meanwhile I'm paying $600 for someone to probe my lady parts and tell me everything looks ok when it's not ok.

Then, a couple days ago, a close friend of mine had a baby. I was supposed to be just a few weeks behind her with my last pregnancy. That loss seems so far away that I'm not even emotional about it. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

This posts sounds kind of negative, but I'm actually feeling relatively good. Being bitter here and there sure beats crying on a regular basis. We have to relish in these small IF victories!

My husband and I booked a short trip to the Olympics at the end of the month and I am VERY excited about that. Maybe I'll be more fertile in Canada?

Freedom!

2010-01-25T21:19:00.000-08:00

Thank you to everyone for your comments on my last couple posts. I continue to be amazed by this blogging community.

One of the other things I talked about last week with my new RE is lifestyle and specifically three of my loves - coffee, alcohol and exercise. I breathed a sigh of relief when she said everything is fine in moderation.

I know it should be easy for me to give up my morning latte and my evening glass of wine, but it's not. I've given them up for a few weeks or a few months here and there over the last few years. And, I'd be happy to do it again if I knew it would work...or I thought it would work...or someone told me it would work. But, when I'm years into this battle and the timeline seems infinite, giving up these little pleasures just stresses me out. And, in my heart, I really don't believe they are the problem. So, I'm glad I got the green light to continue to enjoy these small comforts. HOWEVER, I think I'll always feel a little bit of guilt, no matter how many people tell me it's ok. I can't win either way!

As for exercise, she said that working out regularly is fine. She even encouraged me to do some non-impact exercise during an IVF cycle! So, I've started running more again in addition to the yoga I've been doing recently. I'm planning to do a triathlon and marathon in the fall...not really moderate, but if I get to that point and I'm still not pregnant, I'm going to need a release. For now, I'm just excited to be able to "pick up the pace" a bit. One of my pet peeves is that several of our friends that know about our IF struggles, have told me or DH that I need to work out less. They inevitably have some story about someone they know that gave up exercise and got pregnant...blah, blah, blah. Needless to say, this always pisses me off because they know nothing about our specific situation and usually very little about IF in general. I have never had problem getting my period or ovulating. I am really health and balanced. And, exercise is a huge stress-reliever for me. Not to mention that the conception of my last pregnancy (natural cycle), occurred the weekend I did the Escape from Alcatraz triathlon! Can you tell I'm defensive about this topic?

Anyway, I'm just glad that, as I go into these next cycles, I don't have to change my lifestyle significantly.

In other news, we went on the ski trip from hell this weekend. DH and I were planning to go to Tahoe for both days but then he decided we should only go Saturday because he wanted to devote his energy to the NFL playoffs. He is a HUGE Vikings fan (ugh...tough loss). Anyway, we decided to just go up Saturday. We have a small car and the weather was stormy so we decided to take a "ski bus". I figured we could sleep on the bus and it could plow through the bad weather. Oh, how wrong I was. We left at 4am and by 7:30am we were about an hour from the resort. The bus put on chains and that took an hour. Shouldn't a ski bus be faster than that? Then, we started slipping with the chains and the highway patrol made us pull over until they gave us the green light....which happened over 3 hours later. We were literally sitting on the side of the road for HOURS. We finally arrived at the ski resort after 1pm and made it to the lift by 2pm. I admit that the 2 hours of skiing were excellent, but then it was time to turn around and go home. 14 hours of driving and 2 hours of skiing. Never, never again. Oh well.

Next step on the fertility front....saline sonogram of my uterus sometime in the next week. Can't wait for that....

A Fresh Perspective Goes A Long Way

2010-01-21T18:50:00.000-08:00

Hello to ICLW folks...If you're new to my blog, "welcome and thanks for stopping by". I'm going to skip overview of me (you can see a little to the side or read my previous posts), and just go straight to what's on my mind...

This week I had an appointment with a new RE (I've been seeing my old RE for three years). I was really nervous about the appointment (i.e. worried getting sad or flustered), but I left with my spirits raised. She was very kind and knowledgeable. More importantly, she was decisive and optimistic. There is something about a "fresh start" that makes me feel more hopeful.

Overall, she says she is not that worried about my egg quality, whereas my old RE seems quite concerned. She thinks I'm young enough and my other test results look good. And, she reminded me that I have a 75-80% of carrying my next pregnancy to full term. The odds are still on my side if I can get pregnant again. I did it once in 2008, and once in 2009 ....

After reviewing my previous IVF cycles, she wants to do things a bit differently. She wants to do the transfer on day 3 rather than day 5. This is because we tend to have lots of top quality embryos on day 3 and only a few on day 5. She said some people's embryos don't do as well in the lab, and the lab is not as good as the body. I like this idea because it will probably mean there are more embies to freeze for FET, which is so much easier than a fresh cycle. She also wants to go a little easier on the stimulation and aim for 10-12 eggs rather than close to 20. She thinks by pushing as hard as we did on the ovaries/eggs, my eggs and body were not in peak form (this is my lame attempt at a much more scientific explanation).

I'm very willing to try this new IVF protocol. But, first, here's the kicker, she wants me to go back to Clomid + IUI for three cycles. It seems funny that in my fourth year of trying (I am a veteran people!), I'm back to "basics". But, I understand her rationale. After my natural pregnancy last summer, it shows my tubes, etc. work so IVF shouldn't necessarily be required. And, I only did one IUI (with follistim) before IVF. And, I only tried Clomid one cycle. But, I am skeptical of taking Clomid. The one time I took it, I ended up developing ovarian cysts that lasted for like 4 months. I never wanted to try it again because it delayed the process. And, my old RE always said we could skip it. But, I talked to her about this and she still wants to try. So, in the spirit of exhausting all our options, we'll give it another go.

So, we'll start a Clomid-IUI cycle in a month. In the meantime, I'm going to get a few more tests, but nothing too invasive.

Oh, and I'll just bury this in here, I'm not pregnant per HPT today. But, I was already moving on...

So, I look at the new plan on paper, and I see what is sure to be no fun at all. I see that I am sort of stepping backwards in terms of protocols and wonder how Clomid will work when the "big guns" have failed. I know that despite the new RE's optimism, this is not going to be easy. I remember how many times I've been disappointed and crushed throughout this process and how it's likely to continue. I know all this yet I feel hopeful. And, that counts for something, right?

A Lost Friendship

2010-01-15T18:11:00.000-08:00

Many of my friendships have suffered as a result of my struggles with infertility. But, the state of one of my friendships is particularly troubling to me. I will refer to her as L.

I met L about 11 years ago when I was 24. She was 32 and married. We would go out with a group of girlfriends and have a grand old time. We would talk about our careers, men, sex, fashion, food and all sorts of things. At the time, I was in relationship, but marriage and especially kids were far, far from my consciousness.

As the years went by, the kid thing started to enter my radar screen. And, by the time I was 29, it kind of donned on me that L didn't have kids yet. And, I learned that she was having trouble getting pregnant. I didn't really do anything with this knowledge. Basically, I just never brought it up. Frankly, I was kind of scared of the topic. I'm not sure why, but talking about having kids was always a very private, difficult to talk about subject for me. And, for some reason, I always thought I might have hard time getting pregnant. I now regret not supporting her more during this time.

A few years later, I got hired at L's company. And, we starting working (and still do) in very close proximity, on an open trading floor. At this point, I was engaged and had started to think about having kids. And, L was still not pregnant. I continued to be fearful of raising the topic but a few times she mentioned she had been trying for many years and all I could offer was "I'm sorry". At another point she told me that she had been able to get pregnant but had had multiple miscarriages. Again, I had few words to offer. On top of this, her marriage was falling apart (this is something we did talk about at length), partly due to the infertility struggles. And, she ended up getting divorced at age 39. I can't imagine having dealing with infertility and a strained marriage (thank you DH!). She had been through so much.

The good news is, she soon met someone else and got pregnant (naturally) a few months into her 40s. By this time, I was a year or so into the "trying" phase. Even though it stung to see another friend pregnant, I felt so happy for her given her past. I shared this with her and confided in her about my struggles. She was understanding and said she was "there if I needed her". A few times over the next year or so, I shared things such as when I started an IVF cycle and the pain I felt after my first miscarriage. She had some nice and empathetic words for me. But, there was never any follow up. It's now a year and half later and she provides almost no support for me on the IF front. She never even asks if we're doing ok. We'll be in a private place and she'll ask me about some random work thing or whatever. I didn't tell her about my last miscarriage.

This hurts beyond belief. Some days, I am simmering with anger when I see her at work, thinking that she is really not a friend. I admit that when she was going through it all, I was far, far from the friend I should have been. But, I was ignorant. I don't understand how someone that has gone through it would not help another. IF has made me more compassionate and understanding of other going through IF or really any difficult life challenge (e.g. loss of a parent, difficult marriage, etc.). I've learned to be a better listener. I've learned not to shy away from difficult topics with friends as this is what most people do and it's really easy to feel alone. I feel that anyone who goes through multiple years of infertility and multiple miscarriage should have a special bond. But, L and I have only grown apart.

Infertility is a very private matter. And, I shouldn't judge others for how they deal with it. All of us are just trying to make the most of the crappy hand that we've been dealt. But, I still fixate on reasons why L behaves like this:

1. Maybe she was really hurt that I wasn't a better friend during her struggles (again, justified but it's different)
2. Maybe she really hated sharing and talking about her own issues and figures I want to be as private as possible. However, I've opened my heart to her a few times so I feel like she should know I need her.
3. Maybe it's too painful for her to revisit the subject. She needs to move onto her "new life".

Whatever the case, I feel like L is no longer a friend. And, I want to tell her that. But, because we work in the same room everyday, I don't think I can. I've thought about having a heart to heart with her or writing her a letter, but again, I am worried about the fallout and the work situation. So, I'm writing it here, hoping this will help get it off my chest a bit.

Stay Away Ms. Crazy

2010-01-11T16:42:00.000-08:00

I'm on CD18 (5DPO). I decided take progesterone supplement (prometrium) this cycle, and I'm also ingesting all sorts of tasty (or not so much) herbs from my acupuncturist. So far, this 2WW hasn't turned me into Ms. Crazy, but that will probably start in another 5 days or so.

We also have our appointment with the new RE next week. I'm nervous. It's going to be hard to open myself up to someone new. For some reason, I lose all my confidence in front of Dr.'s. I get shy and sad exactly when I don't want to. I'm scared she won't have compassion. I'm worried she will be stumped by our case. I'm dreading going back into managed cycles, even though I want to move this train forward. Since I'm concerned about falling apart at the appointment, I wrote up a 1-page summary of us including questions and thoughts at the top of my mind. I hope it helps.

Anyhow, all in all, I'm feeling alright. So, what else is going on with me?

I got my hair straightened this weekend. I have sort of curly/frizzy hair and now it is straight and smooth. I just wake up and brush it. So exciting. Maybe my curly hair has been preventing me from getting pregnant? This must be it....
I never made any 2010 resolutions. Usually I do, but it just didn't happen. I think all the little things I try and do seem kind of meaningless compared to the big picture. And, "have a baby" doesn't work as a resolution.
The newest season of the Bachelor is on, and what a title: "The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love". The whole show is redonkulous, but I am already addicted. As far as Jake goes, he's not my favorite. He's definitely a little too nice (Yes, I don't like people that are too nice), and he needs to keep his shirt on more often. Yes, he has a nice body, but it's clear that the season is going to be filled with gratuitous shots.
I'm focused on fun trips in the coming year. There is going to be some skiing, maybe a yoga/surf retreat, and some sort of international trip (portugal and african safari are currently under consideration). Of course, I just want to get pregnant and eat bon bons this year...but god know I can't assume that's going to happen.
I want it to rain more! Yes, it's strange. Maybe it's the Oregon girl in me.

Nothing too exciting here...but boring can be good.

Once again, it looks good

2010-01-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

I went to get a mid-cycle u/s at my RE's office today. I haven't had one in about 10 months (I did IVF FET last March, followed by laparoscopy followed by pregnancy, miscarriage, pregnancy, miscarriage and then a few months of naturally trying) and I wanted to make sure everything appears to be ok. And, as usual, it does. It's always kind of encouraging when my uterine lining looks good and my egg count looks high. My RE said that if he was looking at me for the first time he would never think that egg quality was an issue because my count is average to above average. I'm on CD11 and he said the follicle on my right side looks ready to go and he expects that I'll ovulate very soon. He did say that the follicle was large for day 11 and an early surge (short first part of cycle) could be a sign of low egg quality. Anyway, bottom line is that everything looks good. But, I know looks can be deceiving. I pretty much always get an A on these tests. And, obviously I've got issues.

I also talked to him about taking progesterone supplements. My acupuncturist thinks I exhibit some signs of a deficiency. Me RE says diagnosing one is basically impossible but he has no problem with me taking some in the latter part of my cycle. I'm not sure if I should do it or not. I am grasping at straws.

Anyway, I guess it's time to give it another go. We still have our "second opinion" appointment on 1/19.

In other news, I stayed home from work today due to a cold. I've been feeling pretty crappy and while I could have suffered through the day at work, I just wasn't up to it. I've been able to get some cleaning, organizing, christmas undecorating, etc. done today and it's making me feel more ready to start the new year.

An Appropriate End to 2009

2009-12-31T15:44:00.000-08:00

Today, DH found out and told me that his brother is pregnant (well, his wife is pregnant). They got married in March and his wife is 39. Given her age, they went right into fertility treatments. Apparently her egg count/quality was so low that IVF wasn't even going to be an option. And, apparently they only had like a 2% chance of success. But, they beat the odds and she's 8.5 weeks pregnant after IUI. This is another one of those bittersweet moments. The ratio is about 99% bitter and 1% sweet. I can't fucking deal.

I have so many friends and have heard so many stories about people beating the odds. When am I gonna beat the odds? I don't even know what my odds are. I am not that old (35), I have lots of eggs (my IVF cycles have resulted in 4+ high quality blastocytes), and I'm as healthy as a horse. I am so sick of this shit. Why didn't someone just tell me 4 years ago that I had 0% chance of success, so I wouldn't have wasted all this time and drained so much of my spirit? I hate being a failure. I hate that I've "worked" so hard and this and have nothing to show for it. I really, really hate what this has done to my friendships. I feel like nobody understands me. Lately, I've been thinking about how I need a fun girls weekend away, but all my friends are knocked up or busy with families. And, even if we went away together, I feel like we don't relate so well anymore. Ugh!!!!!!!

So, I guess this is an appropriate way to end 2009. Another dagger to the heart.

I'll be fine, this is just one (of many) of those moments.

Ok - now I'm going to drink a lot of alcohol.

Happy new year to all!

Post Xmas Post

2009-12-27T19:24:00.001-08:00

I've been totally out of the blogging universe for the last week. I just got caught up on my blog reading and was happy to see some good news from a couple folks. At the same time, misery loves company - I embrace all of you that have had a rough holiday and are hoping that somehow, someway 2010 is going to be better. What's new with me...

1. AF arrived on Christmas (CD32). Yep. On Christmas. Why?!?!? I had unusual amount of hope and weird symptoms this month so am really bummed. Each night, I was waking up to pee every in the middle of the night. I was feeling nauseated often. My boobs kinda hurt although admittedly I think they hurt because I torture them! Anyway, it seemed possible.

2. Despite #1, I had a good holiday. Even with the hell of the 2ww and yet another disappointing result, I had fun over the holidays. I have a tiny family and there were no kids around so I think that helps. I felt so much love from my parents and DH. Excluding all this IF crap, my life is really wonderful.

3. Despite #2, I can't do this much longer. I can't handle more "failed attempts". I want to either (1) move onto donor eggs or adoption or (2) just decide that it may never happen and stop really "trying" to make it happen (of course, still hoping that it will happen). For me, this latter option means that I can exercise and drink to my hearts content. In any case, we still have our appt with a new RE on 1/19 and will try one more round of IVF if she thinks it's a good idea. For this next cycle, we'll just give it another go the old fashioned way.

I Feel Sick

2009-12-18T15:46:00.000-08:00

I've felt sick since Monday. Over the weekend, I was still in sad and hopeless mode. I was convinced this cycle had no chance of success. Then, Monday, which was a whopping 4 days past ovulation (although I feel like the OPK was "wrong" this month), I started feeling this sick feeling that I had during my previous pregnancies. I also starting peeing a lot. I went on a google binge (wondering if the positive OPK could have meant a BFP, whether I could have ovulated super early this month, etc. et) and, by the end of the day, my mind was racing so fast I decided to do an HPT. This is VERY uncharacteristic of me. I basically never test because I can't handle the negative feedback. I just wait for AF to arrive and then curse her. And, here I was testing on day 21 of my cycle. Of course, it was negative. And, WTF was I thinking? I knew it wasn't really physically possible feel any pregnancy symptoms, much less get a positive result, but I still tried. I think I've got a case of the crazies.

Today is day 25 of my cycle (7DPO). I've continued to have the sick feeling all week. And, I've felt some twinging and and there has been a rise in pee trips. But, as real as it seems, I think I'm probably just causing myself to feel these things. Or, maybe I'm just sick....but it's a really unique feeling. I can't bring myself to test again, though. And, I'm not sure when I will. This uncertainty is a bitch!

Anyway, at least I've stopped crying daily. And, I'm off work until the 28th! We're headed to Oregon for Christmas with my parents.

December Blues

2009-12-11T21:01:00.000-08:00

Life is kind of sucking right now. I am just sad. I saw my therapist yesterday and was basically fighting back tears the whole time. She basically told me, in many different ways, "it's ok to be sad". But I still don't want to be sad.

I did finally get a positive OPK result on day 17 (yesterday). I'm am not feeling good about this month given my mood and the fact that I ovulated a bit late. Of course we had sex to try and make things happen, but I was fighting back the tears during that too. So sexy....NOT!!!

The good news is that I know I will feel better at some point. I have to. And I will. I have rebounded before and I will do it again. I've been dealing with this for 3. 5 years and I have had many great times during that time. (Yes, I am giving myself a pep talk!)

But, for now, I feel reclusive and uninspired.

The 12 Days of IF

2009-12-08T21:06:00.001-08:00

I love Christmas carols and I couldn't resist....

12 needles poking
11 follies struggling
10 sticks to pee on
9 ways of obsessing
8 boobs not milking
7 spermies swimming (is that all?!)
6 two weeks of waiting
5 CRAPPY EGGS
4 ultrasounds
3 follistim pens
2 sterile gloves
and another negative HCG

Happy holidays everyone!

Oh Christmas Tree

2009-12-07T20:46:00.001-08:00

We put up our Christmas tree over the weekend. I love it, love it, love it. Unfortunately, the process was a bit more stressful/humorous than usual. First of all, I put on most of the lights and realized I had the strand going in the wrong direction! I looked at the end of the strand and though "this is not going to plug into anything". Duh! So I had to redo some work. Then, after the tree was decorated, we decided to try and get a plastic tarp under the tree. Of course, we were supposed to do that at the beginning, but we forgot. So...as soon as we tried to tilt the tree, the whole tree started falling over! I was freaking out about all my ornaments! Note that I was not worried about my husband who the tree was falling on, just my ornaments ;) Only one ended up breaking and, after many readjustments, we got the tree back upright. It still has a slight tilt, but I still love it.

My company Christmas party was Friday. Here's a picture of me and DH. I am generally very stealth about my blogging (i.e. no photos) but I decided to provide a little glimpse of us.

Anyhoo, I'm feeling good but vulnerable these days. I'm on day 14 of my cycle. I haven't gotten a positive OPK yet but for some reason I feel like I've ovulated. Maybe tomorrow. I made an appointment with a new RE for a second opinion on 1/19/10. I've started acupuncture again. My last appointment was uber relaxing. I'm taking a some herbs and trying to cut back on caffeine (even though I basically only drinking decaf anyway!). I got the ok on moderate quantities of alcohol and am happy about that one. So, I feel like I'm taking some good steps, but I also feeling a bit hopeless. I'm prone to crying episodes. Yesterday, I was driving over the Golden Gate bridge while listening to cheesy Christmas music, with tears streaming down my face.

On another note, I am so impressed by all you bloggers. Your posts and comments are so thoughtful, touching, inspiring and real. I'm very happy to "have you".

Rambing Post

2009-12-01T20:58:00.000-08:00

Aah.....the joy of being alone in my home. My in-laws left today after a week long visit. That is just too long for me. They are kind, but they are so different than me. And, my mother in-law talks A LOT more than me. The visit just raised my stress level. Here's how it goes: (1) I get annoyed with them. (2) I get a little rough around the edges. (3) I feel stressed and guilty for parts (1) and (2). It's vicious circle! Anyway, it's over and I'm loving the feeling of having the house back to ourselves. To make the holiday extra exciting, our refrigerator stopped properly functioning on Thanksgiving morning. Nothing like waking up to a raw turkey in your 50 degree fridge! At least is wasn't warmer than that. Anyhow, were able to keep things cool enough using ice, but it wasn't ideal. And, since I've already bitched about my in-laws and our fridge, I will continue....

I had a mini meltdown last weekend. We went out for drinks with four couples we know. It was fun, but it hurt. Three of the couples have infants and one of the couples is recently married. The new parents all swapped stories. I waited in anticipation to see if my recently married friend would be drinking. Phew...she was...but how pathetic is it that I was so focused on that action? And, I kept thinking about how we started TTC before any of the other couples with kids. In fact, we have been trying to conceive since before one of the couples was even engaged. It is so not fair. I felt bitter and sad. And, what do I have to report? Nothing. I'm so tired of responding to "what have you been up to?", with "not much. we had a good weekend...blah, blah, blah", when I really feel like saying "still TTC and it sucks balls!". Two of the four couples know about our struggles, but, of course, they don't ask about it. I appreciate that people want to be sensitive around me, but every once in awhile I would like a "how are you doing with things? It must be really hard...". Anyway, I left the bar feeling pretty vulnerable. Afterward, I was supposed to meet one of my best friends, who was in town for the weekend. I called her and she told me she was to tired to come out. She also has a new baby. All I could say was "ok", and choke back the tears (she didn't know I was upset). I don't exactly know why, but I was so disappointed she wouldn't come out. I think I just feel so alone and increasingly distanced from all my friends. My friends that had trouble TTC are now pregnant or have a baby, and my formerly unhitched friends, are "flying" by me. Bottom line, I had a rough night and very puffy eyes the next day.

Happily, I've kept it together since. I'm on day 8 of my cycle so ovulation should be just around the corner.....

I'll Have Some Wine with that Turkey

2009-11-25T16:09:00.000-08:00

AF arrived yesterday. Damn. I knew it was unlikely I'd get pregnant but it still hurts. That being said, I haven't shed a tear. I'm pretty numb to this stuff. And oddly, I often feel slightly better when I find out it's a "no" for sure. At least it puts a stop to all the wondering and over-analysis. Plus, I think it puts me in a better place hormonally. Maybe December is the month. Please, Santa?

For now, I'll be consuming lots of wine as I hang out with the in-laws. Better luck to everyone else and Happy Thanksgiving!!

Time is Going Slowly....Again

2009-11-22T10:51:00.001-08:00

Well...I'm back to pressing on my boobs multiple times a day to see if they hurt. I feel so pathetic sometimes! I'm 13 days past the positive OPK and no signs good or bad. It feels silly to hope, but I'm hoping anyway. Even so, I'm not planning on doing a HPT in the next few days. I can't stand those things! I'm just trying to focus on other things. My in-laws arrive Tuesday and are staying with us for a week! They are great....but it will try my patience. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving cooking and short work week.

7 things

2009-11-19T18:22:00.000-08:00

Thank you Kelly for this "award". It is my very first. And, this is the first image I've pasted into my blog. I admire all you ladies who put up fun pictures and stuff. I need to do more of that. Anyway, here are 7 things about me:

1. I love triathlons and have done a couple half-ironmans, the Escape from Alcatraz triathlon (3 times) and some others. I've tried to pull back in recent years given our IF struggles but I sneak one in each year!

2. I am the only child of two PhD's in chemistry. Nerds. I stayed away from science but opted for finance which is pretty nerdy too. I wish I had a more creative/artistic side.

3. I don't normally wear thong underwear but have found a recent soft spot for hanky pankies.

4. I hate eggs and always have. Actually, I don't really like pancakes, waffles, french toast or pastries either. On the other hand, I will happily eat italian, mexican or chinese food for breakfast.

5. I want to come back in my next life as an amazing singer (preferably a fertile one). I want to belt it out and move people to tears!

6. My husband is from Minnesota and plays ice hockey once a week. I am still trying to figure out the rules of ice hockey.

7. We went to Buenos Aires and Patagonia in February. Steak, wine, river rafting, lakes, mountains, sleep........I cried (literally) when I left.

I'm not good at "chain letters"! But, pass it on to Melissa, Cathy and hope4joy.

I hope everyone is doing well. I feel like it's been a rough week for a lot of people.

xoxo

NOT OK

2009-11-14T11:33:00.000-08:00

I'm so sick of ambiguity, of second guessing, of worrying and hoping...

So, as I've posted before, we're trying to get pregnant "naturally" for the next few months. This could be considered the "normal" way to get pregnant. I admit it's nice to not be getting shots, ultrasounds, etc. And, maybe I should feel lucky that success is possible without intervention. But, how can I really take any comfort in where I am?

I remember crying over three years ago, the second time we used OPK's. It was our first wedding anniversary weekend and we were hoping to celebrate with some good news. I was so crushed and frustrated. We talked about how there is no way that I wouldn't be pregnant by the holidays. Yet, this is likely to be the fourth year that I don't get my Christmas wish. When I look back on those initial disappointments, it seems so naive and silly. That was nothing. At the same time, I've become so bitter and hardened by this process, that I've barely shed a tear over much worse things that have happened. I've learned to distance myself from the pain - for better or worse. I don't even remember the the exact due date from my last failed pregnancy. I just had to put the memory and hope away.

So, how am supposed to be ok with all of this? I'm still wondering how long this journey is going to last and what the path will be? I'm wondering if I'm just "wasting time" by trying naturally? I'm wondering if the glasses of wine that keep me sane are a bad idea? I'm wondering how many more awkward conversations I'm going to have with friends? I hate this.

I lead a balanced life and get to do tons of things I love. I've got great family and friends. I'm just a normal girl, trying to have a baby. But, I'm not.

TWW - Finally

2009-11-07T08:15:00.000-08:00

I've been MIA because I was in New York all last week. It was a good visit but I'm glad to be back on the west coast.

I think I am close to ovulating so I'll be starting my TWW journey pretty soon. I'm excited to finally be at this point for the first time since June (b/c then I got pregnant and miscarried and then accidentally got pregnant (?!) and miscarried again). But, I'm also dreading all the insane thoughts that will soon invade my head as I wait for the news. I'm not that hopeful, but a little hope goes a long way!

I've been thinking a bit more about getting a second opinion (per my last blog). I was going to wait until January to think about this but I think I'll get the ball rolling sooner. It could take awhile to get in to see some Dr's. I am close to ruling out doing IVF with a RE that is out of state. It just seems like too much time and logistical difficulty. I can't imagine dealing with any more stress than already exists. And, I'd need to use at least a week of my vacation.....This may seem like messed up priorities, but I'd rather save my vacation for a real vacation, not a week of medical procedures and bedrest. I have found the vacations I've taken over the last few years ESSENTIAL in the midst of all this crap, and just don't want to give them up. Plus, in the bay area, there are several excellent clinics so I don't feel like I'd be giving up much, if anything.

On a somewhat humorous note, when I logged into Amazon the other day, it showed my "recommended" items for purchase. One of them was a package of 50 ovulation pee-sticks. Thanks, Amazon, as if it wasn't obvious to me that I need a lot of help.

RE Visit

2009-10-27T20:14:00.001-07:00

We had a "state of the union" with our RE today. It was tough but helpful. I didn't cry, but I felt like I was about to at several points. When I'm in those offices and there is "a mission" (e.g. transfer, follicle count, etc.) I'm usually pretty strong, but when I just need to go in for something minor, I'm an emotional wreck. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and all the sadness from past experiences seeps into me. I think "I can't do this anymore..I can't go through this again..why me?...etc, etc." Anyway, I survived today without a breakdown.

Summary of the conversation:

1. He agrees with trying naturally for a few months since it's worked recently. phew...i like the break from the meds, etc.

2. He think egg quality is the issue...causing both infertility and miscarriages. They've started an embryo screening process during IVF that we could use next time. It could identify embryos that would likely result in miscarriage. That's a small consolation...but more data is better.

3. I brought up the very uncomfortable discussion of getting a second opinion (since we've been seeing him for 2.5 years already). This was hard for me because I believe my dr./clinic is excellent, but more so because he is a family friend. He was great about it. He encouraged it and thinks we may learn something from it. It's kind of daunting to think about starting over with a new Dr. But, hey, maybe it will help. I think we'll get that process started in a month or so. He mentioned some clinics that are out of town. That sounds really challenging. Has anyone done that? How many times do you have to travel?

4. I broached the subject of donor eggs. He asked if we wanted to have the emotional conversation or just the process conversation. It took me .2 seconds to pick process, since I was trying to avoid an emotional breakdown. Anyway, on the process front, he said it typically takes about 5 months start to finish and walked us through the major steps.

5. I told him about the IF blogging community and that he should mention it as a resource for patients. I wish I would have known about it earlier as all of you are awesome!

All in all, I'm glad we had this appointment. But, this is serious and heavy stuff. It's going to be hard to make some of these decisions. Please, please, please let me get pregnant before we have to.

TGIF (almost!)

2009-10-22T18:46:00.000-07:00

Can I get a "hell yeah!", it's almost the end of the week. I am very excited for a low key weekend. I have been way too stressed out about work this week. I don't know how I'm going to handle all my responsibilities and stay sane, much less relaxed enough to get pregnant. Balance...balance..balance. Why is it so hard sometimes!?

Anyhoo, I have nothing fun or interesting to report. I'm glad Jennifer didn't get eliminated from Top Chef. Speaking of food, I had the most DELICIOUS BBQ shrimp on garlic toast this week. Anyone that lives in or visit the bay area should go to Town Hall and order it. YUM.

ICLW

2009-10-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

Hello there for any newbies to my blog. I'm trying this ICLW thing for the first time. I've been blogging for a few non-eventful (sort of) months of my IF journey and it's done me wonders, but I could use a few more "friends".

Even though few of us are where we want to be, I cherish staying up with others news and relating to the hope, disappointment, insanity, dark humor, sadness, and so much more.

Here's my deal:

I am 35 and am in disbelief that I've been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years. I have tried everything including Clomid, Letrazole, IUI, and IVF. I have been pregnant two or three times (i know...really confusing .... read blogs from late september if you want to know more) but never made it past 8 weeks. I am currently waiting for my body to get "back to normal" post-miscarriage. I feel guilt, anger, sadness, numbness, confusion, bitterness (is that the same as anger?) and the full array of IF emotions. I've actually been feeling really strong and happy lately but I think that ugly stuff lies below the surface.

The diagnosis is unexplained, although I had mild endometriosis removed via laparoscopy and FSH is a little high (in the 9's). In any case, I don't have a baby and it's hard to have hope. But,
given my recent "success" getting pregnant, I want to try naturally for the next few months before getting back to ART. If we are still not pregnant a few months down the road, I'm not sure if we'll try IVF again, or move on to donor eggs. I'm trying to wrap my mind around the latter idea. Thoughts?

Other than that, I love food & wine, sporty stuff (especially triathlons & yoga), the outdoors and too many TV shows. Right now, I don't like baby showers or even 1- and 2-year old birthday parties. I've struggled at sharing my IF journey and feel really thankful for the blogging community.

Marley & Me Commentary

2009-10-14T19:16:00.000-07:00

I watched Marley & Me the other night. I thought it would be a touching and feel good movie about a dog. It sort of was. [Don't read on if you haven't seen the movie]. And, I was actually feeling good about the movie industry when the couple's first pregnancy ends in miscarriage. It was at least a little more of dose of reality than most movies where it takes once try to get pregnant and the pregnancy is easy as can be. But, after the does of reality, Jennifer Anniston knocks out three kids back to back...including one "whoops" So, in the end, the movie kind of depressed me because it was a view of "normal" life that just isn't happening for me. Oh well. At least the dog was cute. And, there life looked kind of painful at times anyway. And, I like my husband more than Owen Wilson :)

Nothing exciting to report on the fertility front. I think I'm entering the latter half of my cycle and hope to start trying again (naturally) next month!

Wine Tasting at Childcare Center?

2009-10-11T15:53:00.000-07:00

My parents just departed after a three day visit. It was fun to see them but I'm always ready for some downtime after a visit. Nothing much has been happening for me on the fertility front. I started bleeding again last weekend but it's stopped again. And, my Dr's aren't concerned. I think I may be ovulating (or close to it) because seeing some cervical mucous. I never thought I'd be so excited about it....but I am. I just want to get back to normal.

A group of friends from work invited me to a wine tasting at a childcare place. The idea is that they take care of your kids and while you do a wine tasting. My friends (who don't know about my IF) wrote - "even though you don't have kids we wanted to invite you. and, to incentivize you, you can get a discount. You're lucky you don't have to pay for childcare!". While this was a nice gesture, there are so many things about it that piss me off. Obviously, the biggest is that I don't have a kid and don't "fit in". Also, I have this "big secret" from them, and so I can't even blame them for their insensitive comments, but I'm still hurt be them. And, I am not even remotely interested in going! If I want to drink wine I'm going to go to a BAR not a childcare center!! I'm sure they'll just talk about their kids the whole time anyway. So, I lied and said I had plans.

On another note, I hurt my foot/ankle a couple weeks ago and have put marathon training on hold. That blows. I am going to get it checked out this week.

Despite all the venting above, life is pretty good. I'm still in a pretty good spot mentally.

More Uncertainty

2009-09-28T18:43:00.000-07:00

The last week has been frustrating and anticlimactic. My OBGYN still believes I had another pregnancy and miscarriage...but can't be absolutely certain. My RE thinks it's more likely I was passing tissue/blood from the previous miscarriage.....but doesn't know. Basically, my RE thinks my OBGYN missed something on the ultrasound I had after the last miscarriage. But my OBGYN is confident in what she saw. Maybe I just want to believe I got pregnant again, but I believe I got pregnant again. Why? Two reasons - 1. There was a lot of blood/tissue in this recent round...I feel like my OBGYN would have to have been blind to have missed it. 2. I'm the only one that went through it and I don't know what else would cause that much pain and bleeding. In any case, I'll never know for sure. Annoying.

And, neither Dr. seems to think it really makes a difference anyway. So, I've just gone through more physical and mental hell and nobody really cares. Sweet.

Anyway, all I can hope for is that my body gets back on track ASAP. I had an ultrasound today at my RE's office and he said my ovaries are confused......hopefully, my hormones will start working regularly soon.

On a more happy note, my hubby and I celebrated our 4th anniversary this past weekend. We flew to Seattle and had a wonderful time. We did some sightseeing, ate a lot, drank a lot and relaxed a lot too. He planned the weekend so all I had to do was show up! Oh - and we also each ran 20 miles - well I ran/walked. I am still planning to do the NYC marathon on 11/1. Yes - maybe a dumb move for my reproductive system. I certainly wouldn't have been training had I known what was potentially going on last month. In any case, the marathon gives me something to look forward to. Training is a release for me. Completing it will feel good - something I can do as compared to all my IF "failures". And, hopefully when I finish, my body will be ready to make this baby thing happen!!!

Freaking Out

2009-09-21T17:48:00.000-07:00

I will know more in the next couple days but for now I'm kind of freaking out.

Last night, I had horrible cramping and passed a lot of blood and tissue. This is gross to say, but I'm going to say it anyway....there were like walnut sized pieces plopping into the toilet. Sorry, I know that's gross. And, the cramps were so bad I was squirming around in the fetal position, feeling like I was going to throw up. So, it started to dawn on me, is this another, separate miscarriage? I knew we were supposed to take a month off but I didn't even consider contraception because - why would I after almost 4 years of trying and almost no success getting pregnant? We didn't do OPK's or time anything, and I don't even remember when we had sex. Anyway, I finally got a hold of my OBGYN (after 4 calls), and her gut is that it's a separate miscarriage. Because she did an ultrasound after my last miscarriage that showed no remaining tissue, she thinks this bleeding is separate.

I'm getting my second HCG test & results tomorrow. This will tell us if it's going up or down (from 168). I'd like to think it could be going up but I know there is absolutely no way there is anything viable in my uterus (if you were in my position you would know too). The nurse said, "we don't want to see you tomorrow because if the level is going up, it will be to early to see anything". Give me a break lady! I told her that I don't think I'm pregnant, I just want to make sure everything is cleared out. Anyway, I will know soon enough and go in for an ultrasound.

There's still a few possibilities...I should just wait until tomorrow to get more information but I can't stop thinking about it and speculating:
1. This is a separate miscarriage. I have to admit that this kind of makes me excited because it means I got pregnant again. I never thought I would say I got "accidentally pregnant". Insane. The bad news is that this would be miscarriage #3. But, since my lining may not of been in good shape after miscarriage #2 a month earlier, maybe I don't read so much into it? I don't know. I am definitely not feeling a loss because I never even thought in a million years that I was pregnant. Maybe the laprascopic surgery I had in May really was a game changer. My other concern with this scenario is that after two miscarriage in a few months, my body may need a longer break before we try again. More waiting........grrrrr.
2. The bleeding cramping are carryovers from the last miscarriage. Somehow my HCG is still up from the last pregnancy. Can a placenta basically be gone and then re-grow? I don't know if that's possible. Both my Dr.'s have said that's unlikely. I hope this is not the case because then it's just another thing that happens only in very rare cases, i.e. mine. I guess that means I'd do a D&C.
3. My OBGYN saw a possible fibroid in my uterus at the last couple ultrasounds. I was doing some googling (so addictive) and it looks like fibroids can cause abnormal bleeding. But, they shouldn't elevate HCG... ? I hope I don't have a fibroid that is messing up things and needs to be removed. But, I guess it wouldn't be the end of the world.

Anyway, I am just very intrigued by this whole thing. I'm not sad right now, I'm just wondering what the heck is going on. Give me some answers!!!

Positive & Pissed

2009-09-20T07:38:00.000-07:00

I finally "broke down" and contacted my Dr. about the fact that my "period" is weird and never ending this month. I had been thinking my body just needed to work through this and then everything would be fine. When I told him about the bleeding and cramping he said it is not normal and wants me to come in for an ultrasound. First, he had me get an HCG test. And, it was FUCKING POSITIVE (160). Are you kidding me? It's so hard for me to get this hormone activated in my body and now it's been lingering around for 2 months post miscarriage, confusing my system. I knew I should have had the test taken sooner but Dr. didn't prescribe it and who really wants to get blood drawn to see that you're not pregnant. I do that enough when I'm actually trying to get pregnant. Oh - and in case there's any doubt, it's not possible I'm pregnant because I haven't had sex in ages given this neverending bleeding. Gotta love that too.

I think I should have had a D&C instead of taking misoprostol. I reacted better when I had the D&C - it just hurt too much. God forbid that I have a third miscarriage but I would choose D&C under sedation.

Anyway, I don't yet know what the next steps are. I'll find out today or tomorrow. What I do know is that this is causing more delays. More months of waiting to even try.

Yosemite & More Delays

2009-09-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

I've been a bad blogger. But, I have a pretty good excuse. I spilled water all over my keyboard and it died. Then, it took me almost a week to get a new one. Then, I got busy with work and went out of town for four days. But, now I'm back.

This past weekend was another lovely one. We were at a wedding in breathtakingly beautiful Yosemite. We did some running and hiking in between the various wedding events. The personal vows were heartfelt, funny and endearing. I love weddings.

On the fertility front, I am getting very pissed off at my body. I started my period (or at least I thought I did) two weeks ago. It was super light for awhile and then it picked up on day 5 or so, with cramps and more bleeding. Then, it started tapering off again but this weekend it picked up AGAIN. So today is day 14 of bleeding. And, the last two night the cramping has woken me up in the middle of the night and kept me up for an hour or so. I am wondering if there was still tissue left over from the last pregnancy but I had an U/S a month or so ago and they said there wasn't. I did some midnight googling last night and found others with similar experiences so maybe this is nothing to worry about. I think I will call my Dr. if the bleeding continues much longer. But, I doubt they'll have anything to say. I was originally thinking that we would try naturally this cycle but now success seems highly unlikely. First, I don't know WTF my body is doing. And, I don't think it's be worth trying OPK's because who knows when it will happen. Normally it would be around know but I'm still having bleeding and cramping so who knows. Anyway, we'll still go for it, but I feel like more and more time is flying by without any forward movement.

The upside of having a messed up body is that mentally I'm still doing fairy well. I'm not waiting on pins and needles to find out if I'm pregnant. And, I'm not under medical supervision. I like that part.

AF

2009-09-02T19:26:00.000-07:00

This past week has been a blur. My friend's wedding in Laguna Beach was beautiful. It was an honor to be in her wedding. There was so much love & support in the air. Aaah...new beginnings! I did think on several occasions about my own marriage and how it's been almost four years. It makes me happy to think about how strong our relationship is despite our struggles with infertility and loss. I feel truly blessed to have found my husband.

I did note that several people told my friend (the bride) to "hurry up and have kids". I can't stand these types of comments anymore as the whole concept is foreign to me.

I think AF arrived last night. The bleeding is light, but since this is my first cycle since the miscarriage, I'm not expecting it to be normal. This is good because it means we can start trying again but it has already reintroduced a certain amount of stress back into my life. The pressure is on.....will it work?....when will I ovulate?... what if it doesn't work?.....when will i get crazy and/or sad?

For now, I'm still feeling pretty good.

No Progress But Feeling Good

2009-08-25T16:36:00.001-07:00

It's been awhile since I've posted. There is absolutely nothing going on with my cycle as far as I can tell. I'm not taking OPK's this cycle but I don't think I've ovulated yet. It's been over six weeks since we found out about the miscarriage. I'd like to get this cycle over with so we can get on with things!

In the mean time, I'm having a grand ole' time. I was in Vegas last weekend with my husband and friends. I didn't do much gambling, but there was a lot of laughter and a lot of vodka. This weekend, we're off to Laguna Beach for one of my best friend's wedding. I am very excited to share in the joyous occasion. Of course, whenever one of my friends gets married I think "great, now another person is going to "pass" me on the baby making route." But, oh well.

I'm feeling very mentally and emotional strong these days. I think blogging is helping me "release" my thoughts. And, reading the blogs of others has really helped me feel like I'm not alone and insane! I've also been seeing a therapist for a couple months. And, I'm starting to be more open about my fertility issues. I have shared my issues with some new people and gotten really comforting and kind responses. All of these things are helping a little with the isolation that sometimes overwhelms me. At the same time, I know the emotional roller coaster will continue.

I do still have my moments. We got an invitation to my friend's son's 2nd birthday party. I saw that we'll be out of town on that date and I sarcastically said "bummer". My husband looked at me like I was so evil. But I told him that I don't really enjoy birthday parties for kids because they just demonstrate that everyone except us has kids. No thank you.

Anyway, all in all, I'm feeling good.

Exercise - Friend or Foe?

2009-08-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to report since I'm on a post-miscarriage "rest". I've been getting back into shape. I did a long run on Saturday and 70-mile bike ride on Sunday. I have a bit of an internal battle with myself about exercise and whether or not it's "good" for me. I know it's mentally great for me. And, the times that I have not exercised in the last few years have not had any good results in terms of pregnancy. In fact, I got pregnant this last time after a month of pretty intense triathlon training and then the Escape from Alcatraz triathlon. So, that made me even less cautious about working out. I don't appear to have any issues with ovulating or cycling normally, and am not too skinny, so I think it's fine. But, of course, since our infertility is unexplained, I'm always wondering if I should lead my life differently. I am signed up for the New York Marathon on Nov. 1. I'm not planning to break any records and plan to walk some of it. I just think it will be a blast to be in the midst of the crowd!! I am a sucker for that stuff. Of course, I really hope I won't be able to do it because I'll be pregnant. But, that is very, very wishful thinking.

2009-08-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

My fortune cookie message tonight:

"Contentment is just around the corner for you. Look forward!"

I like it.

Nothing very new to report. I've been comforted by reading other IF blogs. I empathize with others and truly understand the hodgepodge of feelings that come with IF.

I've been oddly happy the last week or so. Since I'm on a "rest" period, I know I can't really do anything on IF front and there's a certain freedom that comes with that.

Still Bleeding

2009-08-06T21:49:00.000-07:00

My Dr. gave me misoprostol two weeks ago. I bled right away and had been spotting since. Then, last weekend, much heavier flow began again. So, I guess it "didn't work" the first time. I went in for an U/S today and they said there's just a little blood left. So, shouldn't be much longer. Just a bit more of a delay than I would have liked. But, as my husband said, we are used to delays. The Dr. also saw a little cyst in my uterus that was there at my 6-week u/s. It's probably nothing but she wants to monitor it. Hmmm..... please go away little cyst!!

Anyway, despite this minor setback, I'm feeling pretty good. My 3-day San Diego trip was great - warm weather, great conversations with a dear friend, time in the ocean, lots of food & drinks, and sleep. Speaking of sleep, it's past my bedtime so I'm off.

TGIF

2009-07-31T18:38:00.000-07:00

Phew - made it through another week. And, I have a five day weekend ahead of me. I'll be wine tasting tomorrow, biking Sunday and hanging out with my friend in San Diego (and her one month old adorable baby) on Monday through Wednesday. Wine, sun, surf, etc.... I need it.

I had an email exchange with my RE this week that was rather disconcerting. I told him that my leaning was to try naturally for a few months to see if it will work again. The good news is he agreed. The bad news is he said "I honestly do not know if we will have more success with IVF or IUI". Now, that is a downer. Basically, he's almost giving up on being able to help us. I guess I already knew that we were nearing the end of the IVF road. And, part of me is glad that there is an end to that road. But, it's scary.

What percentage of people can't be helped after two years of aggressive treatments? I am feeling in the minority here. I know there are many people who are in worse situations than me, but a whole bunch of people seem to "beat" IF. As I'm entering this blog world, I've been searching around different infertility blogs and so many of you are pregnant. That is so amazing and I certainly wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, but I feel like I'm joining a more an more "elite" club (as if it's a good thing).

Anyway, again, I'm so happy it's the weekend and I have been feeling relatively good overall. I've only broken down in tears a couple times this week. I'm still spotting which is annoying (go away!!). But, all in all, I'm dealing.

Friendships & Isolation

2009-07-27T20:05:00.000-07:00

I have wonderful friends who make me laugh, inspire me and keep me grounded. And, several of my friendships have endured the test of time, as life is full of different stages, challenges and surprises. However, I feel my connectedness to my friends slipping away with each passing month and/or each disappointment I have suffered in recent years. Infertility is REALLY isolating.

I find it difficult to share the struggles I've had with fertility. I think some of it is because I usually don't get the reactions and/or support that I want. Friends often fall into these categories:
1. Clueless - Not trying and hasn't tried getting pregnant. Not all that interested and not aware of the depth of the issue.
2. Silent - After I confide in them, they never raise the issue again. Obviously they're not comfortable with the topic and probably are afraid to raise a tough issue.
3. "Just relax" - You just need to stop worrying about it and it will happen when it is time. It is not that big of a deal.
All of these reactions drive me kind of batty! But, I know that I probably wouldn't have been a great friend five years ago (I think I would have been the "silent" type). And, I know that my friends have only good intentions. So, in addition to feeling hurt by some of their behaviors, I then feel guilty for doing so. It's fun.

Despite this, I will continue to share for a few reasons:
1. I think it's important for people to know about infertility and to make the topic less taboo. Who knows if someone I confide in will have similar struggles someday or know someone else who does?
2. I have shared with a couple friends who have been absolutely amazing through all of this. They are supportive, understanding and comfortable talking about things with me. Just having a few amazing "fertility friends" makes all the difference.
3. When I don't share with people, I feel as though they really don't know me. I almost feel as if I'm being dishonest - and honesty is incredibly important to me. So, I just have to get it off my chest sometimes...even though it sometimes just leads to other frustrations.

I wish I didn't feel this isolation. I wish my friendships didn't have to become more complicated because of this. But, they have.

Saturday

2009-07-25T07:32:00.000-07:00

Thank god the end of this week in nearing. It's hard to believe that just a week ago I was filled with hope & fear and now I'm just filled with emptiness. On Wednesday, my Dr. inserted misoprostel into my cervix to induce miscarriage. It seems to have worked because I started bleeding within six hours. And while it's been sad and gross, I'm glad I chose this method over another D&C. When I had a D&C last year, the Dr. only used local anesthetic and it sure didn't feel numb to me!! That was not a good experience.

I'm trying to focus on having fun but I really don't have the energy. I'm a doer and a planner but this loss just has me feeling unmotivated. However, I know, in time, I will start to feel better. My Dr. said that after one normal cycle, we can start trying again so that is good. The fact that I got pregnant naturally this last time makes me really eager to try again because maybe something has just "clicked" in my body. At the same time, I am pretty pessimistic that it will actually work. Before this pregnancy, I was starting to warm up to the ideas of donor eggs. I think I have energy for one more full IVF cycle in me (and not soon), but that is probably it.

I'm about to watch the Ventoux stage of the Tour de France. The Tour has been a good distraction during these past few weeks. Later, I am supposed to hang out with a friend of mine that is now 11 weeks pregnant. I have mixed feelings about this. I am obviously very envious of her and am not sure how I'll deal. Tomorrow, I'm going to an outdoor concert so that should be fun. I can tell you that wine will be a very important part of the picnic menu.

Doing a Double Today

2009-07-21T13:40:00.000-07:00

Since I'm taking the day off from work today (I feel awful), I'll jot down a few more thoughts.

I filled in my history on the blog homepage so the major events are all there. I don't know where I'm going to go from here. Basically, I still don't know why it's so hard for me to get pregnant. Almost every test result it normal. My FSH is a little high and I have (had) mild endometriosis, but these are things that I should have "beat" via IVF. When I've had blastocytes transferred, the embryo quality has looked good to great. But, I've gotten pregnant only one out of four times, a crappy result for being < 35 (although now i am 35) and having no major issues. So, the dreaded "poor egg quality" may be the answer. BUT, this is only half the battle. I've now had two miscarriages thus getting pregnant is only part of the problem. I know that "they" say not to draw any conclusions from one or two miscarriages but it's a little hard not to. I've had the slew of blood tests related to miscarriage risks and, of course, all the test results are good.

This last miscarriage is a really tough blow. I somehow got pregnant naturally. Maybe it's because I just had some minor endometriosis removed or maybe it's because the stars aligned, but it happened. My husband and I just felt that this was one. I hope I can get pregnant again without assistance. But, what if it was a "fluke" and I'll just be "wasting time" by trying naturally for a few months?

The one good thing about finding out this pregnancy is not viable is that the waiting game is over. I have been on pins and needles these last few weeks knowing that everything was going to be wonderful or it was gonna suck. Sadly, it sucks. But, at least I know and can now get on with my non-pregnant life.

Here I Am

2009-07-21T08:38:00.000-07:00

Where do I start?

Yesterday, at my 7-week ultrasound, I found out that I will miscarry any day now. This will be my second miscarriage in my 3+ year struggle to get pregnant. I am heartbroken and in disbelief about how hard this process is and has been.

Over the years, I have accumulated quite a bit of "baggage" related to infertility and pregnancy. I think I've done ok at keeping things in perspective and not letting the process rule my life. At the same time, the frustration, sadness and bitterness are sometimes overwhelming. And, the experience has left me feeling isolated from most of my "more fertile" friends.

I hope that this blog helps me crystallize and release some of my thoughts and connects me to others in similar predicaments. I know I am not really alone in this. I have lots of ideas running around in my head about topics to write about. And, I want to share my full history. So, stay tuned.